Two 15 Y Older Sisters with BPD , eldest is Narcissist

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello people.  I always knew there was something wrong with my relationship with my sisters because I could never do anything right in their eyes, try as I may.  And they would find out my every weakness and use it against me and tease me.  There would be hollow praise, but it was CONDITIONAL on if I performed in a certain way.

I was sole caregiver for my parents for 25 years with no help from these sisters.  Of course I did everything wrong in their eyes and they spoke about me behind my back as well as speaking about their own children in the same way.  The middle sister was a substance abuser also. 

They were both verbally and physically abusive towards me.  My parents were not--they were kind and good.  My sisters also trash talked my parents and other relatives whenever they could.  They both were under the impression I led a charmed life.  To them I was the golden child, although I paid for my own education and my own home.  I eventually divorced after 18 years of marriage.

Gradually I let these two sisters bring me a lot of unhappiness through their 'bitchin and moanin' and my Dad said before dying in 2017 that they had also brought he and Mom a lot of pain over their lifetimes.  "Lots of tears were shed over those girls," Dad said.  One time the sisters didn't talk for 30 years.

The reason I am bringing it up now is a church friend shared the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which described my sisters to a T, especially the eldest one.  We all felt like we had to walk on eggshells around her.  I am also bringing it up because my Father's death has placed the dynamic on me now.

Before dying my Father left his Life Insurance Policy to me for taking care of he and Mom and my Eldest sister is contesting it (and other things) along with the middle sister.  They are bringing up a lot of lies and even times when the eldest called the police on me for no reason--saying I was abusing Dad. (B.S.)

The humiliation and abuse and low self esteem it has caused me have been worse than my divorce and losing my two parents combined.  Up until now I have been able to ignore them it but it has turned into a full blown legal case because my sister won't sign a release.  I have even offered her the policy to just go away.

It's like she doesn't even know what she wants--only to harass and embarrass and humiliate me.  She's got all of the traits mentioned in this book.  This trial is costing me money and I don't know how to stop it.  My question is does anybody know how to stop a family member like this?  What defuels a person like this?

She has a husband and children.  Her husband seems to go along with her--the path of least resistance.  She has a son who is married and normal with two kids and they don't speak with her.  She has an eldest daughter who is married with kids and she's just like her.  She has a middle daughter who is also toxic.

The part that is so dangerous is that these sisters are using the legal system and   police to wreak havoc on my life and it's really done a number on my self esteem and my bank account.  I am now 100 percent disabled.  It's devastating to say the least.  They can be very convincing... .and costly.  But hospice and Dad's Doctors know I never hurt him and the church members know that too. 

These two toxic sisters have families--some of which don't talk to them and are dysfunctional themselves.  I am alone in this and need support.  These people have no empathy.  This is not family.  Somehow I have to detach with these blood relatives and get them out of my life forever after this trial is over. 

That's why I need a signed release.  The eldest keeps saying she is going to sign the release and then keeps renigging on her promise to do so.  I am going to have to sue her for defamation of character which she knows is going to cost me--it's money I don't have.  I'm just praying she signs this latest document.

Do you think she wants me to sue her?  Do you think if she can't have the money she doesn't want any of us to have it and therefore it should just be burned up in court?  I mean how stupid can she be?  Why can't she make up her mind?  This is so painful.  Over the years she has been such a poor communicator and this is just the icing on the cake.  There is just no going back after this.  Who does this?

[Sister Sledge]

Hello people.  I always knew there was something wrong with my relationship with my sisters because I could never do anything right in their eyes, try as I may.  And they would find out my every weakness and use it against me and tease me.  There would be hollow praise, but it was CONDITIONAL on if I performed in a certain way.

I was sole caregiver for my parents for 25 years with no help from these sisters.  Of course I did everything wrong in their eyes and they spoke about me behind my back as well as speaking about their own children in the same way.  The middle sister was a substance abuser also. 

They were both verbally and physically abusive towards me.  My parents were not--they were kind and good.  My sisters also trash talked my parents and other relatives whenever they could.  They both were under the impression I led a charmed life.  To them I was the golden child, although I paid for my own education and my own home.  I eventually divorced after 18 years of marriage.

Gradually I let these two sisters bring me a lot of unhappiness through their 'bitchin and moanin' and my Dad said before dying in 2017 that they had also brought he and Mom a lot of pain over their lifetimes.  "Lots of tears were shed over those girls," Dad said.  One time the sisters didn't talk for 30 years.

The reason I am bringing it up now is a church friend shared the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which described my sisters to a T, especially the eldest one.  We all felt like we had to walk on eggshells around her.  I am also bringing it up because my Father's death has placed the dynamic on me now.

Before dying my Father left his Life Insurance Policy to me for taking care of he and Mom and my Eldest sister is contesting it (and other things) along with the middle sister.  They are bringing up a lot of lies and even times when the eldest called the police on me for no reason--saying I was abusing Dad. (B.S.)

The humiliation and abuse and low self esteem it has caused me have been worse than my divorce and losing my two parents combined.  Up until now I have been able to ignore them it but it has turned into a full blown legal case because my sister won't sign a release.  I have even offered her the policy to just go away.

It's like she doesn't even know what she wants--only to harass and embarrass and humiliate me.  She's got all of the traits mentioned in this book.  This trial is costing me money and I don't know how to stop it.  My question is does anybody know how to stop a family member like this?  What defuels a person like this?

She has a husband and children.  Her husband seems to go along with her--the path of least resistance.  She has a son who is married and normal with two kids and they don't speak with her.  She has an eldest daughter who is married with kids and she's just like her.  She has a middle daughter who is also toxic.

The part that is so dangerous is that these sisters are using the legal system and   police to wreak havoc on my life and it's really done a number on my self esteem and my bank account.  I am now 100 percent disabled.  It's devastating to say the least.  They can be very convincing... .and costly.  But hospice and Dad's Doctors know I never hurt him and the church members know that too. 

These two toxic sisters have families--some of which don't talk to them and are dysfunctional themselves.  I am alone in this and need support.  These people have no empathy.  This is not family.  Somehow I have to detach with these blood relatives and get them out of my life forever after this trial is over. 

That's why I need a signed release.  The eldest keeps saying she is going to sign the release and then keeps renigging on her promise to do so.  I am going to have to sue her for defamation of character which she knows is going to cost me--it's money I don't have.  I'm just praying she signs this latest document.

Do you think she wants me to sue her?  Do you think if she can't have the money she doesn't want any of us to have it and therefore it should just be burned up in court?  I mean how stupid can she be?  Why can't she make up her mind?  This is so painful.  Over the years she has been such a poor communicator and this is just the icing on the cake.  There is just no going back after this.  Who does this?

[Turkish]

Some people, too many, thrive on conflict. People with PD traits have a distorted world view and engage in blame shifting while refusing to look at themselves. 

I'm sorry that they did all that to you, and you did the right thing for your parents. 
.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am so sorry for all that you have been experiencing.   It is good that you found us and are reaching out for support.  We get it here.

My question is does anybody know how to stop a family member like this?  What defuels a person like this?

Upping the ante will only feed the drama and the emotional dysregulation.   So backing out of the drama will help.  Are you familiar with the Karpman drama triangle?  We have a great article that explains how getting out of the triangle can diffuse such high conflict situations.  Often when we are raised with people with PD or other highly sensitive people, we act in ways that either enable or encourage more drama... .without even realizing it.  We all have been there to an extent so no judgement here.  See if you can see the drama triangle playing out in your relationship with your sister.

Do you think she wants me to sue her?

It is hard to say for sure.  I think she is feeding off drama of her own making and that suing her might be playing into her needs in some way.   If you do not have the money to sue her, why do it?  I understand wanting to defend yourself, I get it, I really do.  I am not sure how a lawsuit will stop her though.  I might be missing something though.

Who does this?

Unfortunately your sister does this as do a lot of emotionally difficult people whoa re lashing out and acting on their emotions. 

I hope you get a chance to read the article I linked so we can talk about it some more.

In the meantime, hang in there.

[boatingwoman]

I just wanted to tell you I understand. I am handling a 13 year old probate lawsuit where my mil is the defendant. The plaintiff clearly has a personality disorder. MIL now has dementia.  It’s finally going to trial soon.

I had to hire a bodyguard for the trial, at the suggestion of a witness and I agreed with her.

The plaintiff has made it cheaper for us to go to trial then to settle. He should lose easily.

I’m so ready for it to be over. I don’t know why his wife has put up with it this long. He wants imaginary money that has never existed.

Good luck to you.

[zachira]

Reading your post broke my heart. I have two siblings with BPD and NPD, and the escalation of mental cruelty in the last year or so has been unbearable at times, though they have been blaming me for years for all kinds of things and the lies they tell about me to others are unbelievable. I have found the only thing that works is to set better boundaries with them and have as little contact as possible. I try to never correct their version of events unless I absolutely have to, and give in to their wishes when possible. Is there any chance your lawyer can talk with their lawyer and agree on the best course of action? My experience with lawyers is they often know each other, and work together to resolve a case. Lawyers usually do not like to be involved in long drawn out cases with people with personality disorders even more than the rest of us, and often like to settle things out of court when possible. Let us know what we can do to help. Post any time you would like, as we are here to listen and support you, as many of those who post here are/have been in similar situations to yours with their relatives with BPD and/or NPD.