Declined Call from my Ex

[Lucky Jim]

Friends,

My BPDxW sent me a Nasty-Gram yesterday via email making angry allegations about past support issues that are now moot.

Today I sent her a brief, calm reply addressing the issue, which prompted her to call me.  I declined to take her call, even though my knee-jerk reaction was to answer immediately.  I have to consciously disregard my codependent impulse to help, in order to be free in my present life.  I know my BPDxW is attempting to get me to engage, which I refuse to do because I know it will lead to unhealthy, circular arguments.

Maybe declining a call is a small thing, but I'm posting here to remind folks that a little mindfulness can go a long way in the aftermath of a BPD r/s.  Detaching can sometimes be counter-intuitive to us Nons, but can be done.

LuckyJim

[Beneck]

Smart of you to decline the call. How did it feel?

[Sandb2015]

Thank you Lucky Jim,

I have had the exact same feeling, add some fear in there for me.

We’ve been officially broken up for 2 months (thrown out viciously) and she will FaceTime me thinking I’m with someone. And be somewhat normal when she understands I’m not, I can barely function let alone even consider the company of a woman, name a woman and I would walk.

Some days I look at my phone with fear and hope she doesn’t call, text or FaceTime me because I just don’t know which person I’ll get. At the same time I want her to reach out.

Not a knee jerk, a lightning strike.

Jeez... .

[JNChell]

Thanks for sharing this, LJ. You speak of the knee jerk reaction which I understand quite well. For you, is it a feeling of obligation or wanting to? Maybe a combo?

I don’t miss the circular arguments. Crazy making stuff. I’m much better at avoiding them now, but on ocassion I still find myself wrapped up in one with S4’s mom. I’m still guilty of JADE at times. She knows my hot buttons. Ultimately, I know her’s as well.

I’m glad that you shared this good example of simply not engaging. It’s not easy from several standpoints depending on where a person might currently be with their situation.

[mama-wolf]

I declined to take her call, even though my knee-jerk reaction was to answer immediately.  I have to consciously disregard my codependent impulse to help, in order to be free in my present life.  I know my BPDxW is attempting to get me to engage, which I refuse to do because I know it will lead to unhealthy, circular arguments.

Thank you for sharing this, LJ!  It's just as important to hear about the successes (no matter how seemingly small) as it is to hear about the struggles our fellow nons are going through.

This was a very good reminder.  I get the same impulse to answer the phone immediately, and have to at least pause to think it through.  The vast majority of times that a call comes through on my phone from uBPDxw's phone, it has been D9 calling me.  But each time, I have to stop myself, mentally prepare for the possibility that it could be uBPDxw herself, and remind myself of my boundaries.  If my kids aren't with her, then there's very little reason to answer, so I just don't.

mw

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks to all for your thoughtful replies, mama-wolf, JNChell, Sandb2015 and Beneck.

I have to observe boundaries for my own self-protection, after years of abuse.  When she has the opportunity, she denigrates, belittles or blasts me, so it's best for me to keep my distance.  We are LC because we have children together.

I suspect my knee-jerk reaction to answer her call is all part of my susceptibility to the panoply of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that kept me hostage for so long.  No more.  For me, it's over, and I want to move on with my life.

BPD casts a long shadow, and I'm with all of you going through the detaching process.  It's an ongoing thing for me.

LuckyJim
 

[Panda39]

Yep, Lucky Jim... .Just don't play.  Nice job 

Panda39

[Stjarna]

Good for you, Lucky Jim!  I fight this kind of internal battle all the time with my ex -- hoping that time heals and wanting things to be civil and opening up a little, and then having the harsh reality show itself again.  Any contact that we have (very little these days, as all kids are adults) usually revolves around one of our five children - the youngest of which is getting married later this year, so we have had a couple of conversations around wedding planning.  The last time we had a conversation, it devolved into nastiness on his part -- "You need to keep your new boyfriend away from our son."  Good heavens.  This son is 39 years old, for crying out loud and had not even met my partner at the time this conversation took place.  It was so weird - it just came out of the blue.  I did not reply but quickly disengaged and have not talked to him since.  My daughter can communicate with her father about the wedding and if/what he plans to contribute, and we will go from there. 

I think in general you and I are truly caring people, and it is so easy for us to fall back into a F.O.G.  state.   Keep up the good work with your boundaries, Lucky Jim -- we ARE learning this!

[Turkish]

Good to refuse to engage like that.  Stick to co-parenting with boundaries. Your r/s as it was is over.  There can be a tendency to want to relitigate the r/s from one or both parties.

A few months ago,  I accepted an invite to a cousin's wedding on my ex-laws side.  I knew there would be good food and a few people I wouldn't have minded seeing. It was my custody weekend. 

On the way home,  any hour's drive, my ex decided to bring up what bothered her about me.  Since she is seperated from the guy she left me for (her husband),  I know she's trying to analyze.  I bit. I told her that she would have ended up cheating on me even if we were married.  Thankfully,  we were 5 minutes grim her home and I dropped her off. 

Three weeks later,  I got a late night email where she told me I had hurt her when I said (according to her), "I always knew you were going to cheat on me." She then told me she was sorry she hurt me but that she would never cheat on her husband.

That isn't what I said. I never thought that and that she cheated blew me away since she was always telegraphing that I'd cheat and complaining about her serial cheating dad. 

I was tempted, but I didn't respond.  Nothing good could come of it. 

[blueblue12]

I am with you Lucky Jim. I feel that engaging again will lead you to grief at some point in time. I have been NC for a while now, no kids so a lot easier, I feel for you in that area, it must be tough.

She tried to engage me a few months back, the usual stuff, “can you do this for me? And this for me?” Requests for stuff as if nothing ever happened. I did not respond. I get anxiety when I see her name pop up on an email, I do think about her often, but I just don’t want to engage any longer, I don’t check what she is up to on social media, I just dont want to know. And I am leading a much better life, out of the fog now.

My T says that I was abused a lot. I never thought of it like that, I was always under the impression that everything was my fault, she told me that lots, she would also say “so and so says that you are lucky to have me” well... .and I believed it. I just kept trying to do my best to help at all times and in any way possible, after all I was the ‘lucky guy’. I was gaslighted to the max!

[Lucky Jim]

The last time we had a conversation, it devolved into nastiness on his part

I hear you, Stjarna!  Like you, I try to keep things civil, yet she is incapable of it, which is why I won't engage w/her.  Right, we ARE learning this!

Good to refuse to engage like that.  Stick to co-parenting with boundaries. Your r/s as it was is over.  There can be a tendency to want to relitigate the r/s from one or both parties.

Exactly, Turkish.  It's over, yet my BPDxW is still trying to argue about past issues.

I feel that engaging again will lead you to grief at some point in time.

Hey Raul,  Agree, it will lead to grief and I'm no longer interested in taking grief from her.  Like you, I shouldered a lot of blame during our marriage.  No more.  I'm a lot healthier than I was then and have better boundaries!

LJ