Help my mom is ruining our family

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mom has high functioning BPD and now knows I think she has a personality disorder thanks to my “wonderful” dr . (I have high functioning autism and don’t like to go to the doctors by myself .) She found a book about BPD in my purse and said in a sarcastic tone wow you really do think I have a personality disorder I guess you don’t love me. My mom ruins everything for my family and stresses and everyone out . We may be having a good moment and then my mom Opeans her mouth or her anger just takes over .My mom controls ,complains ,criticizes wines and yells /cusses and name calls non stop. She is very negative. She can go yelling and screaming cussing and name calling from anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour or more . She always brings up the past and the same things to complain about . She goes from topic to topic . She has spent all our money and is always wanting more . Blames my dad for not managing his business well. She even told me that he is lying and that he has lots of money that he is hiding from us. I usually just hide up in my room and turn the music up because If I’m around her she’ll make me do random chores  and always say where are you going? Me: to the bathroom ? Her : why ? Because I have to pee. Her: that isn’t a nice way to talk young lady we are not trash we don’t talk about going pee! Ughh I’m 21 years old btw. Help! Ps. I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow

[Tillycat]

My mom has high functioning BPD and now knows I think she has a personality disorder thanks to my “wonderful” dr . (I have high functioning autism and don’t like to go to the doctors by myself .) She found a book about BPD in my purse and said in a sarcastic tone wow you really do think I have a personality disorder I guess you don’t love me. My mom ruins everything for my family and stresses and everyone out . We may be having a good moment and then my mom Opeans her mouth or her anger just takes over .My mom controls ,complains ,criticizes wines and yells /cusses and name calls non stop. She is very negative. She can go yelling and screaming cussing and name calling from anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour or more . She always brings up the past and the same things to complain about . She goes from topic to topic . She has spent all our money and is always wanting more . Blames my dad for not managing his business well. She even told me that he is lying and that he has lots of money that he is hiding from us. I usually just hide up in my room and turn the music up because If I’m around her she’ll make me do random chores  and always say where are you going? Me: to the bathroom ? Her : why ? Because I have to pee. Her: that isn’t a nice way to talk young lady we are not trash we don’t talk about going pee! Ughh I’m 21 years old btw. Help! Ps. I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow

[Harri]

Hi Tillycat.

I am sorry you are still dealing with such difficult behaviors at home.   You mentioned you can get away to your room.  How does your mom respond when you do that? 

How did you doctor spill the beans about you thinking your mom has BPD? 

Can you tell us what kind of support you want from us?  Validation and things you can do to work on emotionally distancing yourself from your mom?  Validation only?

Let us know.

 

[Tillycat]

My dr has been very mean to me. He told me I was delusional infront of my family . Then told me mom straight up that I said she had a personality disorder. My mom gets mad at me for being in my room because she says I don’t spend enough time with my family. . Yes I would like both and any suggestions for what to do moving forward to help make things better what things to say that they respond well to things that might help de escalate things a bit. Also I have fear of abandonment which sucks because I feel like I could do so much more without it and find it hard to make my own decisions because my mom is so controlling . I am afraid to tell people I’m autistic because my mom is always saying mean and negative things like not eveone wants to be autistic autistic people are weird and that’s why they don’t have many friends. My parents told me that I should try to hide my autism but I’m thinking well how come I never had to hide it before only now when I’m just diagnosed with it. They don’t understand that autism is who I am and makes up all I am . I told my mom that if you took out the autistic part of my brain I wouldn’t have a brain because all of my brain is autistic.

[Harri]

Hi again.

I am sorry, I forgot that the autistic diagnosis is relatively new to you.  It sounds like you have really accepted it though.  Is that accurate?  Am I remembering correctly that you wanted (sort of) the diagnosis?  I think what you say about your brain still being autistic is a very good way to explain things.  Unfortunately I don't think your parents are going to be able to hear you no matter what you say or how you say it.

And that is part of what I mean about detaching emotionally from them.  Expecting your parents to accept and understand your disorder is not productive so to keep explaining it and trying to get them to remember it and hear you is not going to work.

Acceptance will go a long way in helping this.  Your parents are who they are and you will not be able to change them.  We talk about Radical Acceptance a lot on this site.  It does not mean accepting abusive words or actions.  Rather it means accepting that certain things can not be changed and accepting reality as reality.  Are you familiar with the concept?  We have articles here that you may find helpful:
Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)
There are three parts to radical acceptance.

~~The first part is accepting that reality is what it is.

~~The second part is accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause. 

~~The third part is accepting life can be worth living even with painful events in it.

See if anything in the thread helps you.  We have other articles but I do not want to hit you with too many all at once.

About your doctor... HIPAA violation?  What sort of doctor is it?  Does you mom have to go in the room with you or can she stay in the waiting room?  More importantly, can you change doctors?  I don't think I would trust one who did that.

Consider posting and reading here even when things are relatively calm at home.  It is easier to absorb and learn a lot of the tools and strategies we offer here when we are not in crisis. 

[Tillycat]

Thank you ! Yes you are right.

[Maya L]

Hi!

I can relate to a lot of things that you tell about your mother. It can be very sad and hard to deal with. As a teenager my room and being alone in my head was comfort, at least I had my own world there, even if she tried to enter into the rest of my world, not even my diary was out of bounds for her.

I think that you should not simply listen to what your mother says about your autism being a secret, I think you should think deeply about it and decide for your self if you want to tell people or not. Maybe talk to someone you trust about those feelings, like a therapist, a counselor or a relative. I´m not very familiar with autism but I believe that it could also be kind of a strength. Search for Greta Thunberg, this young girl is not afraid to tell people of her Asperger’s and she uses it as a strength. You could choose to do so, or choose to hide it and try to fit in in some way, it´s your choice on what to do. 

Can you change doctor? Even your mom might be positive to this.

Consider trying to find good hobbies or positive friends that has nothing to do with your family. It can help to get your mind of things at home.

I agree with Harri that acceptance helps. If you realize what you can´t do much about then you can find what you can change instead and start to build up positive things.

I feel for you and I hope that things will get better for you! I hope you will find people in your life that will cherish you for who you are!