Long time silent treatment, how can I make it better in time for a visit?

[Maya L]

So.

My mom has silent treated me for months now since she found out how I really feel about my upbringing and because I went to see my sister but I did not come to see them. I live very far from their area and asked them to come and see me where my sister lives, 1 hour from them. Now I want to visit them, partly to see my siblings but also to stand up to myself now that I know more of what to do. I want to show the others in the family too that you don`t have to follow along on the emotional roller-coaster but you can ignore the silent treatment and arguments and do your own thing.

A few weeks ago I called my mom for a few minutes when she did not want to really speak with me, but I told her that I want peace and that I did not mean anything hurtful with visiting my sister (just stated the fact, I did not apologize) and that I hope we can visit them next time we are in the area. I also said that I did in fact want them to come and see me. She did not react way too bad, but still not great of course.

How do you take up contact with someone who deeply thinks that you hate her? I do love her, but not like a daughter, more like I feel sorry for her and I hope she will get better, you know what I mean. At the same time she makes me anxious and I don´t want to be around her.

She messaged my husband recently about something and he did not agree to do what she asked him to do, but answered very nicely why. He also said that we had booked our trip to visit them. But she did not answer, that was days ago.

Like how to say "Hi mom, I know we don´t speak but I plan to stay at your house"
Or is it better to rent a place close by instead of staying at their place (also would be a strain on our budget to do so)? I think the whole family would get offended, but hey, what should I think when I`ve talked for less than 5 minutes with my mom for the last 6 months. No matter what I do, I will always offend someone. Maybe I should ask the other family members if we are welcome or not, like ask her husband? (not in an emotional way, just to know since she does not speak to me, sometimes he is reasonable). Or should I call and ask her? Likely she will give the most nonchalant answer that we could come if we care to do so, or just maybe she would say no. I mean, she did not answer on the message that we were coming.

Any similar experiences?

[Harri]

Hello and welcome though I am sorry you had to find us I am glad you did.  As you read and participate in other threads you will find you are not alone and many people here can relate.  We are a support group of peers who will listen and validate but also challenge you in some ways.

When do you plan on visiting your mother?  What sort of timeline are you working with? 

Like how to say "Hi mom, I know we don´t speak but I plan to stay at your house"

Well, I have no idea how to say this.  It is awkward and a pretty big leap from barely talking to now staying with someone.  How has she been previously when things have been bad between you?  Is there anyway you can stay with someone else or in a hotel?  Given the amount of tension there is bound to be if it were me, I would prefer to have a place I could escape to just to decompress. 

No matter what I do, I will always offend someone.

When in these sorts of situations, I always choose to act in ways that are consistent with my values and do what is right for me.  You are right that no matter what you will offend someone.  So why not do what is best for you?

If you do choose to call and ask directly, I would talk with your mom.  Getting others involved in the situation rarely goes well and often results in more conflict.

Likely she will give the most nonchalant answer that we could come if we care to do so, or just maybe she would say no. I mean, she did not answer on the message that we were coming.

Given this, I would definitely talk with her directly. 

What do you think?

[zachira]

I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you to bpdfamily and am glad you found us. You would like to see you mother who lives an hour away from your sister and also see some of your other siblings. Is there any chance you could stay at your sister's house, and then make a visit to your mom's house and see how it goes? Would your sister be willing to have a family event at her house with all the siblings and your mom invited? From my experience with my mother and siblings with BPD and NPD, things are likely to get worse before they get better. Dysfunctional family members are usually pretty upset when the family dynamics change because they cannot accept change when it involves them. I never know when my family members will start acting nice again which does not last, as they once again spiral into mean behaviors. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can help. There are many members with similar circumstances to yours, and will help you in any way they can.

[Maya L]

Thank you for your answers. It means a lot to have a place to turn to that has people with similar experiences!

Harri: I´ll be visiting in June. We could rent some Airbnb or so, but at the same time I was hoping to visit with them so that we don´t grow even farther apart from the family. I agree that it might be good for us, to rent something, but then the rest of the family will likely feel that we don´t like them, but we do, and in that way we let my mom ruin the relationship between us and the rest of the family. Although, I would think that renting a place or even camping in the car would be an option if it goes bad, just to stay around and hang out with the rest of the family.

Zachira: It´s not possible to stay with my sister or others for different reasons, would not work out this time. I see what you mean with the dysfunctional family members getting upset about change. They are so used to the roles and now suddenly we won’t fulfill their wishes anymore.


I´m dreading the phone call to my mom. So nervous. But I do feel like I don´t want to run away, I want to tackle this issue. I´m also considering that either me or my husband (since my mom turned to him with her latest problem) would send a message to her and her husband. Like my husband in a chat-group with my mom and her husband and write something nice where he is telling about our plans and wonder if it works for them that we stay at their house. Or will she think that we are cowards who don’t call or afraid or whatever (even though she would not call me)?

It kind of makes me laugh and cry at the same time that I am so nervous and upset about calling my own mom for a visit. Isn’t it a crazy world us non-BPD lives in sometimes? It´s so sad and unnecessary. And then there are parents out there that just wait for their busy kids to call them and the parents are so happy when they do. I am so grateful for all the non-relatives and my in-laws that which I have good relationships with that I do not have to have these feelings with. They are worth a lot to me!


Than you again for your lovely answers. I´ll try to support others in this group more too. Together we are stronger!