Separated from wife who I believe is suffering from BPD / NPD

[Rufus Thistle]

Hello everyone. After about 20 years of marriage I finally called it a day and separated from my beloved wife. It was perhaps more a case of "you can't fire me because I quit" ie. I left before being shown the door in a desperate attempt to hold onto the flimsy remains of my self esteem. The rages, verbal and emotional abuse were intensifying and I could no longer stand to watch the effect it was having on my daughters wellbeing. I can only hope things have calmed down a bit while I have been gone for the last few months. Her hostility towards me has only intensified since moving out and she is making it as difficult as possible for me to see my daughter. I have arranged mediation for us and it is her turn for her interview this week. All I really want from her now is to help with the arrangement of a parenting plan so my daughter can emerge from the chaos with as little emotional scarring as possible. I have only recently become aware of BPD / NPD after separating and it has been both a relief and concern. I am of the opinion that her sibling and at least one parent also suffer from NPD / BPD hence why I had to finally acknowledge I was outnumbered and my hope for change was futile. Feels both good and frightening to write about all this but it must be confronted. Thanks for reading.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SunandMoon]

Hello Rufus and welcome!

I'm sorry it's taken so long for someone to reply to your post and am glad you've reached out to share your story.

20 years is a long time and it must have been a big step for you to finally leave. How are you coping? Do you have family and friends - a good support system?

Unfortunately it's all too common and many of our members have gone through similar situations. It's especially hard when there are children involved. How old is your daughter?

[Ozzie101]

Hello Rufus! I'd like to join SunandMoon in welcoming you to the family! I'm very sorry for what you're going through but I'm glad you've found us here. As Sun said, many, many members are (or have been) where you are now.

You have been through a lot. Living with the rages and the abuse really take a toll on your self esteem and your emotional/mental health. I truly hope the mediation works and that you can come up with a good plan so that you can be a strong, supportive, calm center for your daughter.

In the meantime, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you have friends and family who can give emotional support? Any hobbies? Self-care is very important when dealing with situations like this.