What does forgiveness mean to you

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi There,

I've been reading the book "Surviving a Borderline Parent" by Kimberlee Roth, and one thing she emphasizes is the concept of forgiveness so that one can emotionally "move on" in their life.

For me forgiveness means:

Not feeling guilty for having allowed my mother to physically, verbally, and emotionally abuse my son and wife, because I was "conditioned" into seeing my mother's behavior as being acceptable or even healthy, at times.

Believing that I am a neither the devil nor an angel and that I am just a person who can make mistakes and learn from them like any other.  I also am a person who has the right to have my own needs and can lead a life independent of my mother.

Believing that my mother has a mental illness, and she needs professional help.  I can assist her if she requests it.  However, until she realizes that she does have a problem, there isn't much I can do for her.

Believing that my mother's behaviors around me was not because of me but because of her illness.

Can others share what their interpretation of forgiveness is?

[alphabeta]

Hi There,

I've been reading the book "Surviving a Borderline Parent" by Kimberlee Roth, and one thing she emphasizes is the concept of forgiveness so that one can emotionally "move on" in their life.

For me forgiveness means:

Not feeling guilty for having allowed my mother to physically, verbally, and emotionally abuse my son and wife, because I was "conditioned" into seeing my mother's behavior as being acceptable or even healthy, at times.

Believing that I am a neither the devil nor an angel and that I am just a person who can make mistakes and learn from them like any other.  I also am a person who has the right to have my own needs and can lead a life independent of my mother.

Believing that my mother has a mental illness, and she needs professional help.  I can assist her if she requests it.  However, until she realizes that she does have a problem, there isn't much I can do for her.

Believing that my mother's behaviors around me was not because of me but because of her illness.

Can others share what their interpretation of forgiveness is?

[CautiousHopeful]

Hi alphabeta,

Thanks for introducing this topic, and sharing your own perspective on forgiveness.

I've been trying to figure this one out myself. I think it is possible to still have compassion for someone who has treated you badly, and that that is part of forgiveness. I feel like I have been able to forgive my uBPD mother, but not necessarily forget. By that I mean I still have trauma stored in my body that goes back to childhood. This is not voluntary but it is just there, but I'm gradually managing to release this trauma bit by bit.

I also have come to see that what my mother has is a kind of mental illness, and in some ways even like a kind of psychophysiological illness, because it is like her whole nervous system gets dysregulated leading to extreme emotion dysregulation and a loss of control. This is related to her own childhood trauma.

So I think for me forgiveness is the capacity to understand, to see how things really are, and have compassion for someone who is not well. This understanding seems to help with the release of trauma within myself (even if that is a life long process).

Understanding someone has a mental illness I think allows us to put some distance between their actions and us, that we do not deserve to be treated badly and their actions are not about us but stemming from their mental illness.

That is where my thoughts are on this topic at present anyway. Also, knowing they have a mental illness does not mean we need to rescue them (I have been slow to learn this in my situation), but as you say we are there for them if they eventually do choose to acknowledge the issues they have and want to do something about them.

[Panda39]

I know this post is with a focus on a family member but my forgiveness lesson came from a romantic relationship so I hope you don't mind if I share it.

I think forgiveness is tied to radical acceptance and I think it is for us not necessarily for the person we forgive.

It's about accepting the situation or person as they are, seeing that their issues are not about who we are but about who they are. That who we are is separate from them, our happiness, self-worth, our authentic selves belong to us and is not dependent on them. This may involve some grieving over the relationship we hoped for or envisioned.  To me forgiveness isn't about forgetting but letting go.

It's recognizing you can have conflicting feelings about the same person.  You can love them but not like them, you can see the good things in them and the bad, you can remember the good things but still know it isn't healthy to be in a relationship with this person.  It is okay to put yourself first, your feelings matter, that you may not be what this other person wants or thinks is ideal but you are no less perfect, valuable or lovable as you are.

It's about accepting the other person and their flaws and loving them and letting them go whether that is no contact or just emotionally letting go.  And accepting yourself, your flaws and in spite of them loving yourself...self-compassion.

There is someone from my past that I loved dearly, he made me...I allowed him... to make me feel "less than". I loved him to my very soul, I tried so hard to be what he wanted not realizing I could never be that, be what he wanted.  I was me and simply couldn't be someone else.  I tried so hard to make him love me as much as I loved him and in doing so I was forgetting to love me...the authentic me...she was feeling "less than" less than perfect, less than lovable, less than the wonderful person she was.

He cheated...he finally found the someone else that wasn't me.  He broke my heart and in someways broke me for a long time.

I married my rebound man to prove that someone loved me...he didn't even know me how could he love me?  I didn't know him how could I love him?  I'd never seen alcoholism so I didn't recognize it until it was too late.

Fast forward 20 years I'm freshly divorced and reconnect with my long lost love.  To his credit he helped me finally process our relationship.  He loved me, I didn't realize it but I had received the very best he could give so long ago.  Our 10 year relationship was his longest.

At 50 he had never been married, he was a womanizer, commitment phobe wondering if he was missing something in his life...no wife and no children.  I finally got to see him as he was not the idealized first love in my memory.  I recognized that not only was he trying to make me be someone I wasn't but I had been trying to make him into someone he wasn't.  I was his first relationship, there was no history to draw on, no way to see that he was incapable of the love I needed.  It took time and distance to see it.

At 47 I realized I didn't like him in the present but I loved the younger version of him and always would. He was wrong for me and always had been. Just as I has always been wrong for him.   I could forgive him for cheating and breaking my heart because I could see him for who he was and the cheating was about him and who he was. It wasn't about me and who I am at all.  I could forgive him and I could 20 years later finally let him go.

With my divorce and letting go of that past relationship...my storage crate of baggage was left behind.  I was me and I was good.

Panda39

[Notwendy]

It helped me to learn about BPD and family dynamics. Through interacting with my BPD mother's remaining family members from her childhood, I got an idea of what she may have felt growing up. They are not bad people. They are intelligent and highly accomplished. They are even well meaning. But they are self absorbed and have a way of making me feel invisible. They talk all about themselves but don't listen. They are ultra complimentary about themselves and their children/grandchildren and critical and condescening of me and my kids. I don't compare kids. I think it's destructive, so I say nothing back. It seems pointless.

They don't admit my mother has anything wrong with her but they speak about her as if she was a small child or mentally delayed. She's intelligent but severely BPD. So they still "brag" about her but for ordinary things. It's condescending. She's more capable than they give her credit for.

I found myself feeling sorry for her growing up in this family. If she felt like I feel when I am around them, how could she have any self esteem growing up with this?

I do not forget what she did or what she is capable of. She's a constant liar, verbally cruel and abusive to me. But I see it in context of a larger picture. I can see why she's angry and has no sense of self. It's not my place to try to fix that, I can't do that anyway. But it is in my ability to not pass it on. I can raise my children with unconditional love and try to treat my mother with civility as much as possible.

[JNChell]

Hi, alphabeta. Forgiveness is something that I’ve been wrestling with. My parents died 4 months apart in 2010. Closure died with them.

Forgiveness on matters like this are a very personal choice. I confronted my parents once and was gaslighted. I left the exchange questioning my reality. I know what happened to me. All of it. I’ve chosen to not take the steps to forgive my parents. That’s my personal journey. I won’t validate the people that screwed me up.

 Many of us here have been hurt and damaged by our upbringings. Forgiving our abusers is an option. I don’t believe that it’s a mandatory thing when it comes to healing. Healing comes from within. I hope that you stick with us.