Sustaining optimism

[Zabava]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to say that I feel more hopeful since reaching out and receiving your support.  I am slowly realizing how much my childhood experiences have kept me from trusting people outside my biological family.  Has anyone else felt guilty for talking about their BPD loved ones in such a public space?  Do you worry about being found out?  Growing up my uBPD mum feared the judgement of neighbours and extended family the most.  She was most angry when my sister and I turned to family or teachers for help.  Exposure was her big fear and now I feel like I am betraying her by sharing here.  And yet it is helping.  So thanks.

[Kwamina]

Hi Zabava

I am glad you reached out again because you were dealing with some difficult thoughts and emotions. I think many of us have felt guilty about talking about our experiences and have felt like we were betraying our BPD family-member. The reality is though that not talking about these things doesn't help anyone. It doesn't help us  because it prevents us from healing and it even doesn't really help our BPD family-members. It only helps them in the sense that not talking about these things would allow them to just continue with their dysfunctional ways, yet it would not help them actually grow either.

A long time ago we actually had a thread here about telling your story for the first time, you might find it helpful reading about others' experiences:
Telling your story for the first time: reflecting on the experience

Take care

The Board Parrot

[No-One]

Zabava:
One thing to remember is that everyone here is anonymous.  No one knows who you are or who your mom is.  It isn't like you are confiding in a neighbor or a friend of your mom's, or gossiping. This is a safe place and nothing you say can get back to your mom.  Everyone here is trying to be helpful.

Reaching out is a good thing. It can be a positive experience for you and how you react and interact with your mom.  In the long run, it can lead to some level of improvement with your relationship with your mom. (from your prospective).

[Harri]

Zabava, you are in a safe place and your story and voice are important to you and to us.   

I am so glad you are pushing through the fear and the guilt and fighting for a better way of being. 

[sklamath]

Hi, Zabava!

I can definitely relate to not wanting to confide in people outside my immediate family about my mom, specifically anyone who knows her. While some of them may be well equipped to confirm and validate my experiences based on their own observations and interactions, I want to respect her relationships and avoid triangulation and thus am very conservative about talking about the situation with anyone other than my close friends. My uBPD mom has contacted my close friends in the past seeking validation over something she perceived that I had "done to her" and attempting to triangulate. I can respect her boundaries, even if she isn't able to respect mine.

I do feel safe sharing in this forum, though I felt similarly to you when I made my first posts about a year ago. We've chosen anonymous user names, in my case my mom has no reason to suspect that she has BPD (nothing could possibly be wrong with her!), etc. I think the lovely part about a forum like this is that we can objectively look at our BPDs' behavior; not in a way that's about passing personal judgement on them as people, but in a way that validates and supports one another here.