Telling your story for the first time: reflecting on the experience

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone ,

This thread is about you and your story. Everyone has a story right... .so what's yours? It often isn't easy to talk about the reality of your parent, sibling or in-law with BPD (traits) and how they have affected you. In this thread I would like to explore how you've experienced sharing your story here and perhaps in other places too. I have some questions that I hope you'll be willing to answer for us:

1. Have you told your story here yet about the family-members with BPD in your life? If you have, how did this make you feel?

2. Were there things (or persons) preventing you from telling your story sooner? Were you perhaps feeling afraid, guilty or ashamed?

3. Had you told your story to anyone else before you joined here? If so, who did you tell and how did they respond? Do you feel like they could relate to or understand what you were talking about?

4. How has telling your story here been for you? Has it helped you and if it has, in what ways has it been helpful?

I personally found telling my story here about my undiagnosed BPD mom and sis quite scary at first. I am very happy I did it though because for me it was very liberating. It helped me break free from a sense of isolation I had been feeling. I'm looking forward to reading your reflections on your own story-telling here!

[Kwamina]

Hi everyone ,

This thread is about you and your story. Everyone has a story right... .so what's yours? It often isn't easy to talk about the reality of your parent, sibling or in-law with BPD (traits) and how they have affected you. In this thread I would like to explore how you've experienced sharing your story here and perhaps in other places too. I have some questions that I hope you'll be willing to answer for us:

1. Have you told your story here yet about the family-members with BPD in your life? If you have, how did this make you feel?

2. Were there things (or persons) preventing you from telling your story sooner? Were you perhaps feeling afraid, guilty or ashamed?

3. Had you told your story to anyone else before you joined here? If so, who did you tell and how did they respond? Do you feel like they could relate to or understand what you were talking about?

4. How has telling your story here been for you? Has it helped you and if it has, in what ways has it been helpful?

I personally found telling my story here about my undiagnosed BPD mom and sis quite scary at first. I am very happy I did it though because for me it was very liberating. It helped me break free from a sense of isolation I had been feeling. I'm looking forward to reading your reflections on your own story-telling here!

[eaglestar1013]

1. I just told my story here for the first time yesterday!  It was a little intimidating, as a bunch of preconceptions were gnawing at me.  First, that it was wrong to post information about my undiagnosed BPD mom without her knowing about it.  Second, that venting online was something mostly for emotionally weak people and that I am not emotionally weak, so what do I hope to gain from it?  Third, that it doesn't make sense to talk about something that hasn't been diagnosed yet because wouldn't I feel stupid if it turned out not to be BPD.  I dealt with those things by basically recognizing that first, I am doing this out of love for her, not to try to embarrass or shame her.  Second, I'm not venting, I'm gathering information about a potential diagnosis, and third, that the information I gather could end up helping my mom in the long run.

2. I was definitely feeling guilty and ashamed, as mentioned above.

3. My dad and I have spoken extensively about this.  We think she probably has BPD, but that it is next to impossible to get her treatment because she will never admit she has any issues at all.  The world has the issues, not her, according to her.  

4. So far, just being on this board has helped me to recognize BPD behaviors in my mom.  Some people on here might as well be writing about her, because her behaviors are so similar.  The next step is action of some kind--figuring out how to help her.

Thanks!

[clljhns]

Nice thread Kwamina!

I have told my story here and, yes, it was scary. Mostly because I was afraid of the response I would get. It is very difficult to tell some of the parts of my life which were the most painful. I did share my story with several of my closest and dearest friends. Two of these friends were my life savers as they stayed with me for three days as I finally let go of the pain and memories.

I don't think anyone overtly prevented me from sharing my story earlier in my life. It was my own shame and need to pretend that I had a good family that kept me from coming out with the truth.

Telling my story here has been validating and healing at the same time. Just knowing that others are really listening to what I have to say and offering comforting words of support gave me the boost I needed to continue my healing journey. I really was down and feeling quite at a loss when I first joined the site.

Thanks for this thought provoking thread! 

[Kwamina]

Hi eaglestar1013 and clljhns

Thanks for your wonderful responses!

I can definitely relate to the shame that both of you mention. I am glad that you were able to overcome those negative feelings holding you back and tell your story here.

4. So far, just being on this board has helped me to recognize BPD behaviors in my mom.  Some people on here might as well be writing about her, because her behaviors are so similar.  The next step is action of some kind--figuring out how to help her.

This has been my experience too and it often still amazes me how similar many of the experiences are that the members here have been through. Like you I often read other people's posts and they might have well been writing about my own life because the similarities are so striking, almost surreal even. I understand your desire to help your mother, it's unfortunate that she seems unwilling (or unable) to admit she has any issues. Even if she doesn't acknowledge her issues though, there are still things you can do yourself that might help. By changing your own behavior, you can change the dynamics of the relationship you have with your mother whether she decides to change or not.

I have told my story here and, yes, it was scary. Mostly because I was afraid of the response I would get. It is very difficult to tell some of the parts of my life which were the most painful. I did share my story with several of my closest and dearest friends. Two of these friends were my life savers as they stayed with me for three days as I finally let go of the pain and memories.

Talking about the most painful aspects of our lives isn't easy or pleasant. I am glad you had some good friends you could talk too, it really helps if you have a solid support network. That's also something I really like about bpdfamily that it's offers a support network even when you might feel like you don't have anyone to discuss your issues with.

I don't think anyone overtly prevented me from sharing my story earlier in my life. It was my own shame and need to pretend that I had a good family that kept me from coming out with the truth.

What were you most ashamed of and how have you been able to deal with this shame? Would you say that the need to pretend you had a good family was perhaps a coping mechanism you developed as a child to help you survive what you were going through? I can really relate to this 'need to pretend'. It's like we needed to hold on to the fantasy because if we were to let go of that too, there would be nothing left in our lives except the harsh reality and that would just be too much to handle.

Telling my story here has been validating and healing at the same time. Just knowing that others are really listening to what I have to say and offering comforting words of support gave me the boost I needed to continue my healing journey. I really was down and feeling quite at a loss when I first joined the site.

It really does help that the people here can actually relate to what you're going through because they are often going through the exact same things. I think it's great that we are able to support each other here and learn from each other's experiences.

[clljhns]

What were you most ashamed of and how have you been able to deal with this shame? Would you say that the need to pretend you had a good family was perhaps a coping mechanism you developed as a child to help you survive what you were going through?

I was most ashamed of anyone knowing what my family was really like and the long-lasting effects of the abuse made me feel ugly, and unlovable. I feared that if anyone knew what was done to me, they would reject me, see me as something disgusting and dirty. Still dealing with the aftershocks of the sexual abuse. This is probably the one area that I need to the most work on. Having some serious health issues which I believe is directly related to  the abuse. The health problems are isolated to the left side of my body, which ironically is the feminine side of the human body. It is no wonder that this side is breaking down, since I have feared being feminine my whole life. Being female meant danger and no power.

As to my need to pretend that I had a good family, this was self-serving. So, yes, I guess in a way this was a coping mechanism. I really wanted to believe that I mattered in the lives of my parents and siblings. I wanted to believe that they would love me unconditionally. The reality is that they can't offer something they don't have to give. Until I embraced that reality, I remained in my fantasy, trying desperately to manifest my need for love by my FOO.

It really does help that the people here can actually relate to what you're going through because they are often going through the exact same things. I think it's great that we are able to support each other here and learn from each other's experiences.

Yes, it does. Thanks for listening. 

[Kwamina]

I was thinking of this thread I started a while ago and suddenly realized how long I had known about this site before actually joining. I found bpdfamily near the end of 2011, yet only joined in 2013. In the meantime I was reading a lot of books and articles about BPD and things such as cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). I however wasn't reading the stories on the forum as message boards 'weren't really my thing' back then. Oh how times have changed since then!

One of the main reasons that led to me registering here was that I was experiencing severe neck and shoulders problems. At one point it became very clear how much these problems were also related to the stress my BPD family-members had caused me. I had a very busy week at work and really expected this to aggravate the neck and shoulder problems, but to my surprise this didn't happen. Then as I was doing some stuff at home on my day off, I was thinking of some things that happened in my past related to my BPD family-members. I could immediately feel and actually see in the mirror the muscles in my neck and shoulders really tensing up and that's when I no longer could deny how much their behavior was also physically affecting me. That's when I knew I needed to take some more steps to address these issues.

The Reflective Parrot

[unicorn2014]

1. Have you told your story here yet about the family-members with BPD in your life? If you have, how did this make you feel?

2. Were there things (or persons) preventing you from telling your story sooner? Were you perhaps feeling afraid, guilty or ashamed?

3. Had you told your story to anyone else before you joined here? If so, who did you tell and how did they respond? Do you feel like they could relate to or understand what you were talking about?

4. How has telling your story here been for you? Has it helped you and if it has, in what ways has it been helpful?

1. Its still hard for me to accept that my mom might have BPD traits. I know my dad does have narcissistic traits.

2. I've told my story before starting in therapy as a teen, then CODA as a teen, up to the present day through therapy and various 12 step programs. I've been telling my story over half my life however finding out my dad has narcissistic traits has really helped my recovery.

3. Ever since high school some of my teachers have known there was something wrong with my mom. One of them reported her as abusive.

4. The survivor's guide and the book recommendations have been indispensable. Currently I have surviving the borderline parent on my shelf.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014

Thanks for joining the discussion.

1. Its still hard for me to accept that my mom might have BPD traits. I know my dad does have narcissistic traits.

Acceptance of the reality that our parent has BPD (traits) can be very hard indeed. What aspect of this reality or what trait in particular do you find hardest to accept?

I've been telling my story over half my life however finding out my dad has narcissistic traits has really helped my recovery.

In what ways do you feel this new insight has helped in your recovery? Has it perhaps helped you to make sense of certain past experiences you had and how these experiences have affected you?

3. Ever since high school some of my teachers have known there was something wrong with my mom. One of them reported her as abusive.

Yes, I still remember that post in which you said your mother was reported. If I remember correctly your mother did not respond so well to this happening, did she?

4. The survivor's guide and the book recommendations have been indispensable. Currently I have surviving the borderline parent on my shelf.

Great to hear these resources have been so helpful to you

[unicorn2014]

I have to say things are out of control now. My dad is staunchly entrenched in defending my mom in fact when I try to talk to him about my condition he threatens to expose me to her. I've been planning to make a post about that. It's quite frightening.

[sea5045]

Hello this is a first time post in a while. I used the site when going through a breakup six years ago... and now have watched as the members in my family continue to be abusive, or alcoholic, or just hateful, and what has happened in the end is my step mother has cut off contact with me, and my brother is being hateful towards my mother on Mother's Day. so I thought perhaps, is it possible that these are BPD behaviors.  I have started a new job, yay, but these things are hurting me and I hate that this is my legacy, I try to detach with love, but underneath is this sense of some how it's my fault and a flaw with in me... .I hate that this is cycling around again, but there you have it. Thanks for listening guess I will re-read taking care of yourself , etc.

[Linda Maria]

Hi Kwamina!  This is a great thread - thanks for starting it.  I had shared my story with a couple of close friends before I found this site.  One in particular totally got it, as she knows my uBPDsis quite well, and she was a life saver.  I found that other people I talked to about it had trouble digesting it, which made me feel bad, like maybe they didn't believe me, and I shouldn't be talking about it to them.  I can understand it - because the stories are so mad and unlikely - the sorts of things my uBPDsis was doing made no sense - so why would anyone believe it?  I started to feel like they would think I was the mad one.  I found this site through my research on pathological lying, as this was the big thing that I couldn't get my head round - when I came here - the relief was immense that I had possibly found a reason and a cause for the behaviour.  I was nervous about posting initially - for some reason I don't really understand - I was worried people wouldn't believe me, would think I was just b___y and negative, especially as so many people here have been through far worse than me, for a long time.  So when I got all the fantastic supportive responses it made such a difference.  The site really was a lifesaver - and I did vent a lot when I first found it.  Even though my best friend has been an absolute rock, there was something very special about being validated by people who truly got it, and had been through the same thing.  It has really helped me get rid of some of the guilt I felt about the situation - I still don't know why I should feel guilty about the fact that someone has treated me so badly - I think it is the fear of not being believed about it.  Very glad this site is here - thank you to everybody. 

[purekalm]

Kwamina,

1.) I've told bits of my story here and there to get a little help or insight or just plain to be believed that I'm not the crazy one.

2.) The bits I have told were really hard because I have been invalidated my whole life and what I write will be in the digital world forever, so I was scared of being found out that I was speaking of it. You know,(Kwamina) of all people, because you were one of the one's who initially responded to me and I freaked out because of what I shared and kind of ran away and then came back again because I quite literally don't have anyone else. I'm pathetic I know, but oh well.

3.) I've tried to tell it, at least some parts of it. But, either the person didn't believe me, couldn't handle even the easier bits, not interested or invalidated me. Even my pastors from over eight years ago pretty much gave up on me and only wanted to listen to the general term of 'a troubled child' type deal. I don't think I will ever have anyone I could tell the whole story too, and I won't post it. There's no way, that's just too vulnerable, and long.

4.) I'd have to say that some responses were helpful and some I had to go back and read again at a later time because they triggered negative reactions, based on the advice is what someone I was hurting from would say. Over all, getting a different perspective and having positive feedback is more than I could ask for.

Sometimes I wish I was one of the brave ones, but I'm not. I've suffered in silence and unfortunately I'll probably continue to do so because regardless of what people say I will be judged. There's plenty of time to craft a careful response, but initially, it's pretty much all the same. Either I'm an attention seeker or narcissist for wanting to talk about my pain.

So, huge    and   to all those that open up here or somewhere to heal. 

[khibomsis]

  Kwamina! Great thread! Here is my response:

1. Have you told your story here yet about the family-members with BPD in your life? If you have, how did this make you feel?[/i]

I have hardly begun telling my story - four generations and 53 years of my life. It is coming out in bits and pieces and every time the telling makes me feel great. Your advice for newbies is 'just talk' so I did. It works.

2. Were there things (or persons) preventing you from telling your story sooner? Were you perhaps feeling afraid, guilty or ashamed?

Nope, I don't think so. Actually, I hung on this site for six years before I posted. It was such a relief to have a narrative and see that other people were going through the same thing that I didn't feel a need to. Plus I was still working things out in therapy then. I am out of therapy now two years and trying to keep it that way. After ten years- two therapists-  I have spent so much money on therapy. But also I am starting to feel a need to do this on my own. My niece (15) getting diagnosed bipolar NBPD at the beginning of 2016 was a huge shock to me and triggered all my stuff.   So then I started posting. I got good advice during the crisis and  as I dealt with the aftermath. My depression is starting to lift and I am slowly getting a handle on the PTSD and anxiety. Major feeling of accomplishment that I could do this on my own - with the help of BPDF.

3. Had you told your story to anyone else before you joined here? If so, who did you tell and how did they respond? Do you feel like they could relate to or understand what you were talking about? Only in therapy. People really don't understand. And indeed it is extreme. Doesn't help that my FOO and BPD ex are very high functioning, respected in the community, etc. Externally,people look up to them.  From within, their craziness is normalized, I was split black as the crazy one. Very isolating.

Although I explained it very carefully before we committed (wanted to be sure she knew what she was getting into) my current spouse didn't understand for years. It is hard when you are used to sanity to gauge fully the depths of loopiness. Eventually I figured out you have to know it first. My FOO, or more precisely my co-dependence with my FOO, caused huge problems in our marriage and we even went to couple counselling.   Worked great and by now the level of dysfunction was so bad (seems to get worse as uNBPD mom  gets older) that spouse started to see it very clearly. That was a huge step forward.  We are happy as clams now and although some people might find it odd that I log onto BPDF at night once she is asleep, she gets it.

4. How has telling your story here been for you? Has it helped you and if it has, in what ways has it been helpful?It's been amazing. I  still often surf rather the post, it validates me just to see what others are going through and the support they get. But when I feel like speaking I do, and I feel heard. Now and then I try to respond to someone, and it is also validating to know that my tough experiences can be of use in relieving somebody else's suffering. Passing it forward is important to me and although I still have my doubts at whether I can do it well, I reckon practice makes perfect.

, khib

[khibomsis]

purekalm, you're not pathetic at all. Your story validates my feelings of isolation.  , khib

[purekalm]

purekalm, you're not pathetic at all. Your story validates my feelings of isolation.  , khib

khibomsis,

Thanks for writing that. I forget sometimes that I'm not the only one who is isolated by choice or force. It doesn't feel good to know you're isolated as well, but helps to keep things in perspective when I start to whine to myself. 

 I'm glad that others can understand. It's nice to post on this site is it not? I may be afraid to trust most of the time, but mutual understanding is a relief. It takes off a lot of pressure! 

Purekalm

[khibomsis]

Hey purekalm, you must be a very strong person to survive what you have. Don't take what other people think to heart. They say 2-6 % of the population has BPD. It is not strange that most people are not going to understand. The more so since many BPD's are triggered by their nearest and dearest and can seem perfectly normal to the outside world. I wish beyond words that I was one of the ignorant ones. That not being so, I am happy if my suffering can be of use to somebody.It doesn't validate it, nothing could do that, but at least it won't be wasted. Keep posting. We are in this together.   and   right back, khib .

[purekalm]

Hey khibomsis,

Ahh, I don't feel that way the majority of the time. I think I'm just stubborn.   I used to take it all to heart, but most glances right off at the moment. That is true, I didn't really expect anyone to really understand I guess, just need someone to vent to every so often and they're like wait, what?   

I know, it's bittersweet. Nice to know someone can commiserate, but sucks to know the reason you can is because of your suffering. But, I don't want to highjack Kwamina's thread so I just wanna say thank you for responding and sharing as well.

 

Purekalm

[Kwamina]

Hello this is a first time post in a while. I used the site when going through a breakup six years ago... and now have watched as the members in my family continue to be abusive, or alcoholic, or just hateful, and what has happened in the end is my step mother has cut off contact with me, and my brother is being hateful towards my mother on Mother's Day. so I thought perhaps, is it possible that these are BPD behaviors.  I have started a new job, yay, but these things are hurting me and I hate that this is my legacy, I try to detach with love, but underneath is this sense of some how it's my fault and a flaw with in me... .I hate that this is cycling around again, but there you have it. Thanks for listening guess I will re-read taking care of yourself , etc.

Welcome back sea5045  Sorry that there is so much going on in your family right now. Taking good care of yourself is very important indeed so it seems to re-visit that material. When did your step mother cut contact with you? Did anything happen leading up to her taking this action or was it totally out of the blue?

You cannot control what other people do, yet that does not take away how unpleasant all of this is. If your family-members misbehave, this isn't your fault, it's a choice they have made themselves. Do your family-members perhaps tend to blame you for their problems?

It has really helped me get rid of some of the guilt I felt about the situation - I still don't know why I should feel guilty about the fact that someone has treated me so badly - I think it is the fear of not being believed about it.  Very glad this site is here - thank you to everybody.  

Thanks for joining the discussion Linda Maria BPD behaviors can be very extreme and when people haven't experienced it themselves, they indeed might find it hard to believe. Especially if your BPD family-member would put on a 'mask' when other people are around, then these people never get to see the extreme BPD side you might witness behind closed doors. Would you say your sister also puts on such a mask? If so, do you think you might have felt guilty because you felt like you were exposing you sister, exposing what lies underneath her mask?

[Kwamina]

Hi purekalm and khibomsis

Thanks for joining the discussion!

As khibomsis has already pointed out, you definitely aren't pathetic purekalm. You are a valued member of our online community

3.) I've tried to tell it, at least some parts of it. But, either the person didn't believe me, couldn't handle even the easier bits, not interested or invalidated me. Even my pastors from over eight years ago pretty much gave up on me and only wanted to listen to the general term of 'a troubled child' type deal. I don't think I will ever have anyone I could tell the whole story too, and I won't post it. There's no way, that's just too vulnerable, and long.

Good thing parrots never tire, we just keep parroting! I think it's normal not to tell everything, especially not immediately or when you aren't feeling comfortable. Just take your time and share what you are willing/able to share. Telling our story here in a way definitely can make us feel vulnerable, yet it's also extremely validating to find out people can actually relate to you and have felt the same way.

Sometimes I wish I was one of the brave ones, but I'm not. I've suffered in silence and unfortunately I'll probably continue to do so because regardless of what people say I will be judged. There's plenty of time to craft a careful response, but initially, it's pretty much all the same. Either I'm an attention seeker or narcissist for wanting to talk about my pain.

I think you are brave, telling your story here requires a lot of courage. Also coming back after initially going away, and facing your issues head on is quite courageous. You might be braver than you think purekalm

Nope, I don't think so. Actually, I hung on this site for six years before I posted. It was such a relief to have a narrative and see that other people were going through the same thing that I didn't feel a need to.

Well I am glad you did decide to post after 6 years khibomsis, it has been great having you here! Just reading the site can be very valuable too though and your story serves as another example how just by sharing our story we can also help people who haven't even registered yet.

Major feeling of accomplishment that I could do this on my own - with the help of BPDF.

Sounds like you've come a long way indeed

My FOO, or more precisely my co-dependence with my FOO, caused huge problems in our marriage and we even went to couple counselling.   Worked great and by now the level of dysfunction was so bad (seems to get worse as uNBPD mom  gets older) that spouse started to see it very clearly. That was a huge step forward.  We are happy as clams now and although some people might find it odd that I log onto BPDF at night once she is asleep, she gets it.

Thanks for sharing this. It can indeed be very difficult to 'get it' if you have not witnessed or experienced it yourself. At a certain point however, your spouse did witness it and that made a significant difference. Glad things worked out so well for the two of you!

Passing it forward is important to me and although I still have my doubts at whether I can do it well, I reckon practice makes perfect.

I think many of us still have doubts (me too!), but I personally have found your posts a welcome addition to our site!

[khibomsis]

No, thank you Kwamina! You my favourite bird   , khib

[polly87]

Hi there,
Thanks for this thread Kwamina.

1. Have you told your story here yet about the family-members with BPD in your life? If you have, how did this make you feel?

2. Were there things (or persons) preventing you from telling your story sooner? Were you perhaps feeling afraid, guilty or ashamed?

3. Had you told your story to anyone else before you joined here? If so, who did you tell and how did they respond? Do you feel like they could relate to or understand what you were talking about?

4. How has telling your story here been for you? Has it helped you and if it has, in what ways has it been helpful?

1. I started sharing my story in December 2014. In April 2013 I moved out of my uBPD mother's home and that was the starting point for my journey towards healing. Sharing my story on here was enlightening and it made me feel understood. I started working on acceptance of my past. After some time I was able to tell my paternal family members what my mother had done to me.

2. I was isolated and didn't know that there were any people out there who could have similar experiences.

3. I'd told my story to my ex, with whom I was in a relationship from 2012 until 2015. It was only then that I realised I had been sexually abused. It made me feel terrified. I was in crisis every day. The memories almost got the better of me. My T did not understand my feelings and that made things worse. I thought my ex was understanding but actually he tried to rationalise my feelings because he found it hard to deal with extreme emotions. That's because his mother also has uBPD and he has been taught not to show any feelings when with his family. So my realisation of the sexual abuse started the downfall of our relationship. He'd try to soothe me but at the same time he expressed extreme guilt when I was stressed or afraid. Just like my mother used to mix up my feelings with hers. So no, I don't think my ex really understood.

4. Telling my story here has helped me more than I can express. I have found friends on the board who understand me and encourage me when I could not understand or encourage myself. The board has played a key part in my healing. I'm really grateful for all those who have listened and given me advice.

PS. Kwamina, I thought you'd like to know that my current bf owns two parrots 

[Kwamina]

Hi polly87

Thanks for joining the discussion!

I have followed your story from the very start and am very happy that you are doing better now. You have been through a lot and healing from that takes time and isn't easy, but through the hard work that you are doing you are managing to achieve positive growth in your life

4. Telling my story here has helped me more than I can express. I have found friends on the board who understand me and encourage me when I could not understand or encourage myself. The board has played a key part in my healing. I'm really grateful for all those who have listened and given me advice.

It is great to see that your participation here has been so beneficial to you. I am glad to have you as part of our online family

PS. Kwamina, I thought you'd like to know that my current bf owns two parrots 

This is very important! I think parrots can be considered a green flag Of course it could be that I am a bit biased being the Board Parrot.