Why pursue a relationship with someone with BPD traits?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

From my reading it seems impossible to pursue a relationship with someone with BPD. It seems it will never be authentic. Or reciprocal. So why do people continue contact with someone with BPD?

[BeanCounter]

From my reading it seems impossible to pursue a relationship with someone with BPD. It seems it will never be authentic. Or reciprocal. So why do people continue contact with someone with BPD?

[HappyChappy]

Inheritance ? Just kidding, BeanCounter. Its entirely up to you, I have a very violent  NPD bro, so no contact is essential with him. But my BPDm maybe low contact will work. BPD is a spectrum, so some are more agreeable than others.

You are right, that its very rare they would accept the BPD label let alone change. But there are techniques on here that make dealing with a BPD more palatable. So, I'm interested by your questions because when I first realised all this, that was my burning question. Someone with BPD/NPD can be charismatic, have redeeming qualities. Why do you see no way forward with your BPD ? Welcome to the forum btw  

[once removed]

there are a host of reasons people choose to maintain their relationships. in some cases its because people place a strong value in family (weve all got that very difficult family member...or members). in some cases, its because they have a relationship that is safe and works.

It seems it will never be authentic. Or reciprocal.

do you feel this way about your relationship with your family member?

[Harri]

Love, idealism, a desire to help, attraction, etc.  Pretty much the same reasons people get into any relationship.

A lot of times the BPDish behaviors do not show up in the beginning of the relationship, at least not the more difficult ones.  Idealization is common in all relationships but it can be pretty intense in the beginning of these relationships.  This is done by both parties and can result in a pretty intense connection.  Later on when the idealization has ended, it is not uncommon to hear that the partner is hoping those intense and happy times will return.  

Later on, the ties are there, sometimes with kids, years invested, the love is still there in spite of the troubles.

One common pairing is pwBPD and co-dependents.  People with care-taking and rescuing tendencies.  People who get their self worth and value by helping others.  Generally, even in the really bad relationships, there is a pay off for staying for both parties.

What I wrote above is a gross simplification and there are a lot of other factors that can come into play but those are the ones that popped into my head when writing the post.  These ties are hard and extremely painful to cut.

[BeanCounter]

do you feel this way about your relationship with your family member?

Yes. I do. But since it is my MIL I don't actually have any memories of happy times with her or even a real past relationship. So that is likely part of it. I'm trying to understand why my DH would want a relationship with her. I want to support him, without enabling him to get hurt (both emotionally and physically). It feels like to me that he wants to try again with her because he feels so much guilt about being NC. Which IMO isn't a reason to have a relationship with someone who is abusive. But I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and let him figure it out.

[once removed]

MIL/DIL being at odds is a classic conflict. we see a lot of it here.

i saw my parents go through it. my grandma could be a serious pill with no sense of boundaries and no filter. my mom would complain to my dad. my dad would either side with his mom, or he would agree but pretty much throw up his hands, my mom would feel even more hurt and frustrated, and it all perpetuated the conflict.

you can learn a lot from the karpman drama triangle in this conflict. if you push or come between your husband and his mother, it will likely drive them on the same side; its human nature.

work toward the center of the triangle: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[Harri]

I'm trying to understand why my DH would want a relationship with her.

She is his mother.  Children are wired to bond to their protector/caregiver for survival.  If a caretaker/mother abuses their child the child will look at their own self as the cause, to do otherwise risks survival.

Those ties are not easy to break when raised surrounded by dysfunction.  Typical BPD mothers see their children as extensions of their own self and kids are often placed in the position of being their caretaker.  The kids are raised to always please and appease at their own expense and often have a distorted sense of their own needs and rights.

These are not  things that will be turned around quickly and easily but they can be changed in time, with work and often professional counseling is needed.  We have tools here that can help you deal with your issues surrounding your MIL and also for your husband.  He may benefit by setting up his own account here and posting.  We can also help you support him. 

Which IMO isn't a reason to have a relationship with someone who is abusive. But I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and let him figure it out.

The emotional ties are very strong sometimes.  So are the behaviors that have become ingrained over the decades.  It is not easy to change and when / if your husband chooses to work on this he will be struggling not just against with his mother but within himself as well.  Changing behaviors, long established behaviors and thought patterns, takes time and effort.  But it is worth it.

[Notwendy]

I don't really consider it a relationship.

My BPD mother lies a lot, and so I don't ever know if she is being truthful to me or not. To me, this makes a relationship impossible. I can't trust her. For me, trust and honesty are key elements to a "relationship".

Why am I in contact with her? It's low contact and it isn't personal. I don't share personal information with her. Her relationship with me has been need based on her part. I'm useful to her.

The decision was made based on circumstances and my own moral values. She's an elderly widow and it didn't feel right to go NC with her. I've done a lot of personal work so what she says to me doesn't bother me like it did before. I don't seek for her to care about me. I have  boundaries- I know I could not be a daily caregiver to her or spend much time with her but I also don't seek to be hurtful to her, and going NC seems cruel to me in our situation.

However, I chose to have contact with her. It just didn't feel right to not do that. I had the choice when my father died and she basically disowned me in an angry spell. When my father was alive, it really wasn't a choice to go NC with her unless I went NC with him. I wanted to have a relationship with him and that meant her too. But once I had the choice, I decided it wasn't the right thing for me. Being that it is my choice, I feel OK with it. It's for me, not her. I can't make her care about me or be happy, I just have to be OK with my choice.

This isn't what I really would want for an elderly mother. If we had a mother-daughter relationship I would be more involved and closer to her. But a mother-daughter relationship isn't possible. If I were more involved, she'd simply use and manipulate me. She doesn't care about me and I don't have any illusions about that.