Accidentally Honest

[Local_Boogeyman]

dBPDw isn't the best at keeping on top of her meds. There always seems to be some issue as to why. Over the past week or so, a rx ran out and she never got a refill. A refill requires bloodwork, but her doc will call in a rx to the pharmacy as these are necessary meds(non-mental health related) if asked. She hasn't yet.. Within a few days of not taking them, she gets very tired and has a very difficult time keeping her eyes open.

When I spoke to her this morning she told me how tired she was and how she had to stop and get coffee after dropping off our oldest son at school, with our youngest in the car, because she was so tired and didn't feel comfortable driving without at least some caffeine in her. Later, she texted me that she was exhausted and couldn't keep her eyes open. I texted back that I was sorry she was feeling that way. I didn't get a text back for a while, so I called during the time she is about to get ready to pick up our son from school. She picked up and I told her I was just making sure she was up and ok considering how she's been feeling. As soon as I said it, I knew it was a mistake. Although, I'm not sure if I was in the wrong. Was I in the wrong?

Well, she got super offended at that. I told her, I just wanted to make sure she was up and ok, it wasn't a call made for a lack of confidence, but one of concern. She didn't believe it, and just like that I'm black again. I've been working on my not jumping into JADE, so I read the situation, decided it best to end the conversation there. 

I know it's a tiny thing, especially considering the more extreme situations we can find ourselves in, but it's now something to deal with. I'm pretty sure she won't speak to me until I get home from work, so I will not reach out. In the next few hours, I know (at least historically) she will sit and stew about this in silence and when I get home, it will be a "thing". The "conversation" will be start with this instance and end up something completely different. She will start it, set it up so I have nothing to say, then get upset when I do not engage. It will stick in her head for years, "about that time you didn't trust me enough to even be awake to pick up Son". I have a thousand examples over nearly 20 years to fall back on.

It's these little moments that always seem to pop up that I don't see coming that get me. When there's a storm brewing, I can tell. It's the unforecasted that gets me every time.

 

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[Scarlet Phoenix]

She picked up and I told her I was just making sure she was up and ok considering how she's been feeling. As soon as I said it, I knew it was a mistake. Although, I'm not sure if I was in the wrong. Was I in the wrong?

Hi Local_Boogeyman.
Your not wrong in being concerned, I would say it was even normal. What often happens in these situations is that what you see as concern, she sees as critique. Someone with BPD is highly sensitive to perceived rejection. So when we think we are being straight forward or logical or showing concern, that's not the way they see it.

One of the things that's really helpful to learn when dealing with someone with BPD, is to use communication tools. Have you heard about SET? Where we use sympathy and empathy to state our truth (which for example to make sure your wife is up and alert). It's sort of a softening of our message since a regular message sounds aggressive to our partners. You find more about it here.

"Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote."