Third time around

[restoredsight]

So, here I am again, for the third time in ten years. At the end of February, my wife suddenly left once again.

This time is a little different because in the past she's completely ghosted me.
 This time around she's in limited contact because I've been the major caretaker for our two children. I think this is the only reason, and I don't think it's a lasting situation.

I'm treated as an stranger at best and an annoyance at worst. She's not given me a reason at all and the nature of her escape leads me to believe she's using a distortion campaign with her family.

We had moved to a different state and I had isolated myself from my old friends so I am very lonely and struggling in the day to day with taking care of the kids and life in general.

My wife only ever raged/was abusive in our first relationship and they were minor flare ups compared to what most go through here. Most of the time there's just a bunch of distancing behaviors, eventually trianglation usually involving a sexual partner and personality changes, then I'm painted black for 6-9 months.

I am fairly certain that she will split me again eventually, probably in less than a year. I've always been conflicted about it. Every time I come here I look for validation and reality testing, but underneath that I was looking for hope she'd return and I'd get the idealization again and next time will be better. I never detached. I obsess over her.

In reality, this is not a good marriage, even without being discarded. She's never dependable. She's impulsive. She took me for granted and I have bent over backwards for her. I read somewhere that you could break your back bending over backwards for someone like this and eventually they will criticize you for it. That's pretty much my experience. It's never enough. The goalposts move.

I helped her brother move a few months ago and it took longer than she thought it should. My phone's battery died. So, in a panic, she called her brother and messaged her SIL trying to find out where I was. She couldn't calm down after I returned either. She paced and paced. Then, just a few months later she just left while I was at work and didn't respond to texts or calls. She didn't leave a note, but she had written down the number for the local police department. There was no argument, no harsh words. That moved l morning she had a cold anger radiating from her, but she said nothing as I hugged her and left for work.

That evening she came back with her brother and refused any idea of counciling. Then the police showed up. Her sister has called them for a wellness check. There was no fighting and no one was in danger. I think she'd been priming her family with stories. I'm any case, she left that night, leaving me with the kids. That was a relief because last time she took my son.

No reason for the breakup was given. She puts me off now saying that she doesn't know how to talk to me about it. I one better than to pursue it at the start because she gets more and more irrational and angry in that mood, and she says things that barely make sense. She can also become coldly cruel. I wanted to avoid that.

As things stand, she says she wants a divorce, but only when I press her about it, and she's made no actual moves towards it.

I don't know what I want. I know this is a dead end. I know this will probably keep happening until she actually decides it's truly over or I do. I understand this on an intellectual level. My emotions are all over the place though, especially when I see her, which I have little control over. When she's not present I try and tally up the bad things and I know it's toxic. When I see her, I just want to hold her.

I don't know what to do.

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[Lucky Jim]

Hey restored sight, Does your W suffer from BPD?  It's hard to tell from your post.  It seems like you are in a holding pattern, waiting on tenterhooks for your W to decide about the future of your r/s, as if you have no say in the matter.  It's your decision, too, my friend.  What would you like to see happen?  What steps have you taken to carry out your objectives?  Are you honestly trying to detach, or are you secretly hoping to recycle again?  Again, it's hard to tell from your post.

LuckyJim

[JNChell]

Hi, restoredsight. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I relate very closely to what you’re describing. There is nothing easy about it. Especially with kids involved.

I’m also curious about the questions that Lucky Jim asked. Sharing helps us to be able to meet you where you’re at with things a little better.

In reality, this is not a good marriage,

You’re seeing things for what they are. How does it feel to come to this realization?

I don't know what I want. I know this is a dead end.

This is a hard place to be. Simply speaking from your statement, what do you want from a dead end?

We understand how your heart and mind are racing. We get the feelings. I was a mess when I arrived here. The fine folks here guided me until I wasn’t a mess anymore. I still didn’t feel good, so they guided me even more. I had setbacks that were not my greatest moments and they never left my side. I’m ok now. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m on my feet.

I don't know what to do.

Stick with us. We’ve got you.

[once removed]

Every time I come here I look for validation and reality testing, but underneath that I was looking for hope she'd return and I'd get the idealization again and next time will be better.

try things differently, restoredsight.

post on the Bettering/Reversing board where you can get real feedback and support, have a plan, and give this a fighting shot, or failing that, a steadier landing if either of you head to divorce. nothing changes without changes.

when was the last time that you spoke to her?

[restoredsight]

She isn't diagnosed. We go through the idealization - devaluation - discard cycle though, and she can be utterly cruel during the discard. I don't know exactly what this is, but it feels like a cluster b from all that I've read.

I am in a holding pattern. I feel like my autonomy has been compromised. Part if me wants to just get along and wait for her to change her mind while part of me knows there's nothing good to be had from that.

I've been making lists of the negatives on the relationship vs the positives, and it's helping mostly. When I have to see her, those things simply leave my mind and I try to talk to her, get answers, or just feel like this person cares at all. It's just a reversal of most if my experience with her and talking like an adult is useless. She cloaks everything like it's rational and I'm not, while she doesn't have any explanation to offer me. It just is and I'm not worth talking to about it.

I know it's not a good marriage, but I'm still stuck in my thinking that things will get better if I only try hard enough, if I find the right words, if I find the right actions. This is delusional, but it's such a strong habit. I feel like I've been brainwashed, but with my own permission. I feel like if I give enough then it can be about me again, which I know is false and unhealthy.

As for thinking it's a dead end, what I know and what I feel and have been conditioned to do are two very different things and it's a very difficult pill to swallow.

In the past, during the two previous breakups, I hurt for the entirety, but I improved myself in various ways. I don't believe in psychic phenomenon, but it's almost like she has an intuition about coming back when I've got my life together, but before I'm fully over her. I'm suddenly valuable again.

Truth be told, I'm addicted to her. The breakups are nothing short of torture, and then she comes back and it's like a drug high. Then it's hot/cold/hot/cold and me scrambling to right the ship.

She doesn't rage at me, but she uses my compassion against me. I couldn't convince her to get up to take care of the kids in the morning, even though I was working a full time job from home. She was so tired. I cleaned up after her incessantly because she "forgot" to. Gifts I got for her were lost or forgotten about, without exception. She'd spend a lot of energy doing things for others, baking when someone had a birthday at work. Then, she'd leave the mess for me to clean up. She forgot my last two birthdays, and she "feels so bad about that." Everything has some plausible deniability. All of it has me so confused. She's so nice and polite almost all the time. She leans on my feelings of obligation and compassion.

And this isn't counting the cheating or possible cheating, telling people I was neglectful and abusive, abandonment, and sheer sadism during the breakups. There's something very wrong with her, and instead of fleeing like a reasonable human being, I've married her and had two kids with her.

I know I have strong codependent traits, and in almost every other situation I'm aware and take steps to counter it. In this relationship I just lose myself. And it's not like I don't stick up for myself or argue about it. I pressed her on my needs and she "handled" me. She made promises, acted contrite, and made some token efforts. Then, back to the status quo, or worse.

She always seems to know how to keep hope in play, and that hope is like my kryptonite. I KNOW she's keeping me in play. She pushes buttons, but she denies relationships, doesn't give closure or comfort, she acts innocent, and she doesn't make those adult steps towards ending things. I think she is intentionally avoiding offending me, keeping me around to care for the kids or some future exploitation.

Here's the point though. I can write these things and talk about them and see how toxic this all is. But I can't internalize it properly. I'm going through with what I think is best, like deleting my social media (she stalks me online when we're separated and I have no intention of snooping on her) and avoiding nostalgia. I feel like going no contact would be very helpful, but it's completely impossible to even go low contact at the moment.

When we're in the same room I am alarmed and disoriented by her. Her demeanor and affect is so alien that I feel a compulsion to bring the other person back. It's like one of those zombie movies/books/comics where someone's spouse has been bitten and dies, and when they come back they can't bring themselves to defend their lives.

Tldr:  I'm a basketcase. I'm codependent. I know this is bad for me but I have malignant hope that she will change, while intellectually knowing she won't. I think I have been subtly abused, but it just registers as personal weakness on my part. I'm ashamed and feel totally stuck.

[restoredsight]

try things differently, restoredsight.

post on the Bettering/Reversing board where you can get real feedback and support, have a plan, and give this a fighting shot, or failing that, a steadier landing if either of you head to divorce. nothing changes without changes.

when was the last time that you spoke to her?

I'll try that. Thank you.

I "spoke" with her today. Just enough to find out what her plans were for her and my daughter for the day. It's all civil so far. It may be my imagination, but it always feels like she feels smug and sort of looks down on me during any exchange. There are no arguments. She either gives short emotionless answers or silent treatment. I'm avoiding emotional "conversations" because she acts as if they are a nuisance or I'm some stranger that is in pain that she has no connection to.

[Levi Love]

Hello restored sight,

 You and I are neck and neck.  This is about the third (me move out) breakup between my wife and I of 6 six years.  We have spent about 1 1/2 years of that separated.  I am new to this site, and your post pulled me out of the closet.  I feel your dilemma as I have the same addition to my wife.  She is the love of my life.  In the past, before being sent away to the dungeon for the third time, she made me feel like royalty.  Right now it's been about 8-9 months since I hugged her last.  

Since then, I have been on a journey of self discovery of who I am, and what makes me soo co-dependent.  Also discovered I have some traits of CPTSD based on a crazy childhood.   Yes, I miss her and VERY often dream of her in sleep.  I saw her a week ago from a distance, I lost control for 24 hours.  The next day I emailed her to tell her how beautiful she looked even though I totally exposed myself to condemnation.  I am on this site as well as reading MANY books to understand more about both of our issues so in the ring (so to speak) logic stands a better chance in the battle arena over my (and her) Goliath emotions.  About a month ago she told me she wants a divorce, and it may come to that.  I know deep inside I cannot truly love her if I don't know more about myself (my toxic traits, habits, boundaries I/we need) and overall what is eating me. 

I wish you the best friend in your journey.

[Levi Love]

I pray for you also.

[once removed]

avoiding emotional, or otherwise charged conversations right now is a wise move. if she does try to discuss things, i would primarily listen.

if you suspect theres going to be another return, then i really urge you to learn the tools on this board. you will need a very different strategy, and you will need to be in a centered and balanced place. otherwise, if she came back tomorrow, it might crash and burn very quickly, or eventually.

any update? have you spoken to her in the past few days?