Struggling With Guilt Of Not Speaking To My Mother

[SafeDistance83]

Hey guys,

I'm new to this. Just found out about this site earlier today and thought I'd give it a try to see if it helps me in any way. I'm the daughter of a borderline mother. I've had an incredibly challenging relationship with her since I can remember. I honestly believe it started while I was in the womb knowing that she didn't want me.  I've never felt safe with her. When I was little I actually thought she might be a witch. She had black hair and sharp pointy features (very beautiful mind you) and she was so scary. We never knew when she was going to lose it and scream and cry. She called my siblings and I "pigs", "leeches" and constantly compared us to our cousins and asked why we could be good like them. My older sister has memories of her yelling that if she had a gun she would shoot us all. Our family looked perfect on the outside (big beautiful house, everything we needed and more) and my mother was always very personable and kind to everyone outside of our home so it was very confusing. People in my small hometown to this day still have no idea what a scary angry woman she is and how awful she treats us children. It makes my siblings and I feel crazy because only we really know how she actually is.

My mother is someone who went though a lot of trauma in her youth and never did any work to heal herself so she is a very angry and sad adult. She goes back and forth between intense depression and incredible rage. The last time I saw her on 2/28 she lost it on me out of nowhere and I swear she sounded demonic she was screaming so loud. She has always felt betrayed by my love for my father. And when he was alive she seemed to feel betrayed by his love for myself and my siblings. They divorced when I was 11 and I left with my father. She has felt abandoned by me since. She is venomous with her words but yet she longs for a close relationship with me that she see's other mothers and daughters having. She tells me that she loves me but is NEVER happy when I'm happy, is very competitive (for example I'm a songwriter who is finally having some success and her latest texts include how she's started writing songs and they "just fall out of her and I can doubt her but she'll prove me wrong" even though I would never discourage her and have never said any of these things to her). The older she gets, the more intense her anger seems to be getting and the more unstable her mental state. My stomach hurts at the thought of being in the same room as her and after our last face to face that ended so badly, I haven't spoken with her. I told her as I was leaving, that I'm not willing to let her speak to me the way she does. I told her I love her but that I would NOT be visiting her again because it's not healthy for me. I told her I was sorry for all of the pain she's experienced in her life but that it's not my job to fix that and I'm not responsible or to blame for the ways she feels my father and her father wronged her, and that her pain doesn't give her permission to scream at me and be so hateful. So far I've held true to my word and haven't engaged in ANY contact with her even when she sends me lengthy text messages every weekend. Her texts are all over the place emotionally; telling me she loves me one sentence and then angry and accusatory in the rest. She thinks me standing up for myself and setting a boundaries means I hate her and I wish she was dead instead of my father. (Things I would NEVER say and have NEVER said to her) I struggle with the guilt of feeling like a bad daughter for not speaking to her, but at the same time I know in my heart that being in contact with her isn't healthy for me emotionally. I'm trying to figure out how to do what's best for me without feeling guilty about it. Any advice from anyone who has cut their BPD mom out of their life?

[Harri]

Hello and welcome!

Congrats on your success as a songwriter!   

I am glad you are reaching out for support.  It is so important to talk with others who get it.  while some of the details of your story are different, overall the theme is one I have read here before several times so please know you are not alone.  I am so sorry you have had to grow up with this sort of conflict and abuse but glad you are trying to change things now.

Her texts are all over the place emotionally; telling me she loves me one sentence and then angry and accusatory in the rest. She thinks me standing up for myself and setting a boundaries means I hate her and I wish she was dead instead of my father. (Things I would NEVER say and have NEVER said to her)

Give her time to settle with the new parameters of your relationship.  It is a big change for you but for her as well and given that BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation, she will go through these time periodically and especially after you start changing the way you typically react and respond to her.  Give her time to return to baseline. 

I struggle with the guilt of feeling like a bad daughter for not speaking to her, but at the same time I know in my heart that being in contact with her isn't healthy for me emotionally.

Allowing yourself to recognize and take care of your own needs is excellent, but like I said above, it is a big change for you.  You will struggle with your feelings as things might feel wrong or man or uncaring as you change the way you interact with her. 

I'm trying to figure out how to do what's best for me without feeling guilty about it. Any advice from anyone who has cut their BPD mom out of their life?

I think it will take some time and practice before you can get to the point of not feeling so guilty.   As you learn more about the behaviors associated with the disorder and how they influenced the way you relate to your mother, I think the guilt will change.  Learning about the behaviors will also help with self-differentiation which will help you be able to consider your needs and those of others without ignoring you or defining you based on their view and opinion.

Have you had a chance to read other posts and look at some of the articles we have listed above?

[SafeDistance83]

Thank you. I really appreciate your support and insight. I'm going to dig through the site here and read other people's experiences and read some of the articles you have. Thanks again.

[HappyChappy]

I honestly believe it started while I was in the womb knowing that she didn't want me. I've never felt safe with her. When I was little I actually thought she might be a witch.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with all that, it must have been very hard for you, as it would be for anyone. But your post seems rather enlightened in several ways. Firstly, you're right a BPD decideds before you are born on how they will treat you, its not personal and it definatly is not you. Keep reminding yourself of that. Seondly  there is a categorisation of BPD into 4 types one of which is termed witch, so you may have guessed well there. We were brainwashed to a certain extent by our BPD to serve them, to fear them to never leave them. But now you've gound the BPD explanation and this forum, hopefull your healing begins. This forum is very non judmental, and folk on here tend to be very good at dealing with anxious people (out BPD trained us that way) so you're in good hands. Welcome. Feel free to ask questions or just vent frustration  

[stark]

Hi,

I just wanted to say I relate to this strongly.

I went for a long period with no communication with my BP mother and I believe it was in part thanks to the distance I allowed myself from her that I accomplished what I did during that time (accepted to a good college, graduated with honors, learned a second language--my world expanded so much). I think especially if your mother is not interested in getting better, there are times when no contact is the safest and best thing. And it doesn't have to be forever--I started talking with my mom gradually after college, in large part because she was getting treatment and trying hard to establish a healthy dynamic with me even though that was hard for her, and we had several years of decent, kind conversations, where we expressed love for each other.

She's quite ill again now and I'm trying to decide how much contact to have with her, but I just wanted to say that breaking things off, even temporarily, does not make you a bad person.

Wishing you luck and strength.