Was I Soliciting A Desired Response Again?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I taught my daughter how to ride a bike a month ago,  and i finally pushed my son into graduating into the BMX/trials bike that I bought at a garage sale a year ago,  along with an adult bike for me.  D inherited his bike.  I pushed her to skip training wheels as I did him and she got it. 

Yesterday we all rode to their school and spent a few hours there. 

Today we rode twice as far,  maybe a mile,  to our favorite local park.  I have been waiting years to do this rather than driving,  and I certainly could use the exercise. It's a slight uphill,  so it was really easy coming back.  I'm on the multi speed bike so I'm cheating a little. 

My ex was checking in because D was sick Friday.  I texted her a few pics. She replied that it looked cool and she wished she could be there and she wished she had made a different decision. 

That's funny because I was thinking the same thing as we were riding: that I wished we could have gotten to this point where we were all riding together as a family. I even started thinking, "I could tell her she could buy a bike and I could store it in my garage so she could come over and we could ride together."

But that would be pretending something was that isn't.  I could suggest that and maybe she would do that,  but what would out result in besides more pain for us, even if the kids liked it? 

After over 5 years, I'm apparently holding onto something. 

[Turkish]

I taught my daughter how to ride a bike a month ago,  and i finally pushed my son into graduating into the BMX/trials bike that I bought at a garage sale a year ago,  along with an adult bike for me.  D inherited his bike.  I pushed her to skip training wheels as I did him and she got it. 

Yesterday we all rode to their school and spent a few hours there. 

Today we rode twice as far,  maybe a mile,  to our favorite local park.  I have been waiting years to do this rather than driving,  and I certainly could use the exercise. It's a slight uphill,  so it was really easy coming back.  I'm on the multi speed bike so I'm cheating a little. 

My ex was checking in because D was sick Friday.  I texted her a few pics. She replied that it looked cool and she wished she could be there and she wished she had made a different decision. 

That's funny because I was thinking the same thing as we were riding: that I wished we could have gotten to this point where we were all riding together as a family. I even started thinking, "I could tell her she could buy a bike and I could store it in my garage so she could come over and we could ride together."

But that would be pretending something was that isn't.  I could suggest that and maybe she would do that,  but what would out result in besides more pain for us, even if the kids liked it? 

After over 5 years, I'm apparently holding onto something. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Turkish, The reality is that, if your Ex was along for the ride, it would have changed the whole tenor of those outings, because you would likely have been walking on eggshells rather than enjoying the moment with your kids, and your kids would probably have picked up a different vibe if your Ex had been there.  My sense is that you were being your authentic self on those recent bicycle expeditions with them.  Could you have been the same if your Ex had accompanied you?  It's doubtful, in my view.

Yes, you probably are hanging onto something.  What would happen if you let go?  Maybe it's time to stop carrying those rocks in your backpack?

LuckyJim

[JNChell]

Hey, wolf man. It’s time to let go. Brother. I’m at a very weird spot with myself. It’s time to let go. Her bike doesn’t belong in your garage. You have told me to distance myself from S4’s mom. I’m placing your advice on your plate. I’ve taken your advice with respect. I appreciate you. Maybe it’s time to take your own advice.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Turkish,

I think you are correct that you are still holding on to something, and I think that it is natural to retain some type of deep, buried hope for the dream that we had to relinquish. It may be the tiniest remnant of denial that the relationship can not ever be what you hoped. However, I think that you are insightful and self-aware enough to catch that without simply acting on it, and that is awesome. That is the product of progress and recovery.

Redeemed

[Turkish]

JNChell (and IAR): point taken,  but I'll still be honest here,  maybe it will help someone. I did ignore her suggestion about going to an extended relative's birthday party last week.  Her emotional exploration of me a few months ago on the drive back from the coast really bothered me. 

LJ: she texted me while we were still at the park.  Did S9 eat? What did they have for lunch?  Aaargh! Knock off the Anxious Helicopter Mom schtick!  It used to piss me off that their grandma was feeding them too much,  like food within the hour we'd pick them up after work,  and then they wouldn't be hungry for dinner. 

This anxiety is why I didn't invite their mom to a concert last summer though she asked to go when she heard who we were seeing.  Part of me wanted to say ok,  but the anxiety stuff really ruined a lot of stuff,  like I could never relax or be myself.  I handled myself and the kids fine,  then 6 and 8, at an event with thousands of people,  sitting in general admission.  The great thing about being a single parent is not doubting myself because someone else doubts  herself and projects it onto me. Jet mother really messed her up. 

When I picked up D6 Friday, sick so I took off work,  it was,  "D6, call me if you need me to help with anything." As if I hadn't been taking care of her by myself since she was 1.   

[drained1996]

If you could keep it at a co parenting experience  and you would not allow yourself to be drug back into the BPD drama\relationship I'd say go for it.  But the way you put things, sounds like you may be incapable at this time which is completely understandable...And not your fault.  Do what you need to do for you first, so you're the best parent you can be given the circumstances. We all know you're the rock for all in your life.  Don't let that fact escape you. 

[Turkish]

Thanks drained. Paper beats rock. Stay away from paper.  Carry matches just in case.

[GaGrl]

Turkish, it sounds to me that your bike ride experience with the children elicited a type of fantasy of the family you wanted. And yet you realize it is a fantasy, that the reality of family is not possible with your ex.

And that brought up a question...have you ever really grieved the loss of your family as you thought it would be?

You have stayed so busy, so focused on your children's needs -- but has that allowed you to avoid letting go?

[empath]

With Gagrl, it seems like a grief reaction. There are hopes and dreams that we have in connection to our relationships, and some of the more difficult grief situations are when we are still connected to a person and grieve the loss at the same time. It's sometimes hard for us to (radically) accept the idea that our relationship with another person is different than what we had hoped or planned, especially when some of our interactions seem like they would fit right into the hopes and plans.

One of the common goals in grief work is to come to a new relationship with the person that we are grieving.

[Turkish]

Grieving our losses... I think we have an article on that. 

No I don't think I properly did.  I find it hard to compute. Maybe I've done the same thing from my BPD childhood: you just take "whatever" and soldier on. 

[Turkish]

RTM me if I ever post something like this again.

Last night,  D6, me and "mommy" forgot to pick up our daughter's backpack for school.  I texted her and she came overt an hour later to drop it off. D6 was in the shower and S9 was on the living room floor doing his homework (always a struggle given his ASD/Asperger's). I fed him stir fry in bowls on the floor so he could eat and do homework. Yes, he's weird. I had fed D6.

Mommy came in and D called her. I heard her commenting about not getting the shower curtain in the tub.  I told her I had washed it with bleach last weekend.  It was out of the tub.  D6 has been smelling bad and having discharge. I get blamed. Thats her view. I dont check, my almost 7 yo daughter's privates.  She took her to the doctor last week. No infection. D6 had a urine test. Science.

"This is dirty!" I heard. Then I got criticised about leaving the shower mat in the tub. "That's why whenever I get her back she's discharging!" I was so pissed, but the kids don't know any better. She helped D get ready for bed in her room.  "What's with this towel? It isn't absorbant." S9, don't you have slippers? You're sick.  You shouldn't be walking on the tile while you're sick." (It was 65F in the house, and i told our son to put on a shirt though he normally sleeps in shorts no matter the temp). "Dont shower too hot!" "Are you putting on lotion?"

The kids wanted her to cuddle them and read. I was about to go non-linear. On her way out, "Both kids have cob-webs in their rooms.  Are you sure you don't need a cleaning lady?" I looked today when the sun was up.  There were a little in one corner in both rooms.  I removed them. I'm near sighted so sue me.

With S9 sniffling, "you'll be with me this weekend and I will take care of you." S9 doesn't need it.  What's interesting is what he said before mommy showed up, apropos of nothing.  Seriously, they talked out of the blue.

" Mommy kicked [step dad] out because he smokes marijuana."

What does that mean?

But you still see him.

"Only for events."

How do you feel that mommy says that? You still see him,  is she nice. (Here I might cross the line).

"She is nice but not until he doesn't do what he's supposed to do."

I let it drop at that point.  Despite the aging, and self help books (which she tries to get me to read,  because I need them of course) she's still the same.  And now she's gotten into meditation, and D6 has picked up on it. 

I really wanted to kick her the  out of my house, but I couldn't due to the kids.  D can do without the backpack next time. 

[Harri]

Turkish, yes, she can do without the backpack.  But why didn't you just greet your ex at the door and get it and send her on her way?  so what if D called to her?  You say you will see mommy tomorrow (or whenever) and if D gets upset, she gets upset.  Same with the ex.

I know I am saying this in hindsight but lets think about this.  I know you want to have a decent relationship with your ex but this is beyond having a decent relationship or so it seems to me.  some exes can be friends but she pummels you with a thousand tiny (relatively) blows every dang time you see her.  That is not good for you or for the kids.  I think her anxiety is only part of the problem.  Why do you allow her such access to your home and the kids on your time?

Why did your D want her in the shower anyway?  Does mom 'help' her when she has her?  Why? 

[GaGrl]

I agree with Harri here...your ex has too much involvement and connection what goes on in your household than she is entitled to have.  No one is allowing that except you.

What do you get from her involvement?

What do you sacrifice from her continued influence and involvement (i.e., interference)?

[Turkish]

She just texted me about school pictures then, "may I ask, why are you letting the house go." I'm not answering.  I'm going to bed and have to work tomorrow to catch up.  I did their laundry. My back gutters need fixing. Also my back porch cover (secondary to the gutters). I need fixing I get it. *sarcasm*

The house is fine. I'm negotiating a multi million dollar captital project next week.  I don't have time for her BS.

[Sadly]

Good, your garage remains mommy bike free   and you carry on being an amazing daddy to your little ones. Our lives are peppered with “ if only’s” the most commonly used words in the English language. I read you with admiration “ if only”   I could be as strong as you, I hope one day it will come. Keep on doing what your doing, it works.
Love from Sadly x

[Turkish]

I worked both days last weekend.  I texted her Saturday night I wouldn't be at church Sunday.  She asked if things were ok.  I souls have said yes. None of her business? I was being passive aggressive?

Sunday morning "the kids don't want to go to church." I didn't answer.  Late that night,  "how are you?" I didn't answer.
 
Monday morning: "I'm a little concerned since you didn't reply... hope all is well.  Let me know if you want me to take care of poor children tonight." (My night)

"I'm fine [name].I worked both days this weekend and went to slurp early to get up early [true]. If it isn't about the kids we don't have to talk.  Thanks."

"I understand. Thank you."

I think I was being a little immature and passive aggressive... I souls have answered BIFF and cut it off.  I think I did the very thing I titled the thread with 

Maybe I should start talking to Lilly The Chihuahua...

[Harri]

Actually I think you did very well given that this is new to you and it will take time and a bit of practice to get the tone right.

Not answering was what you could do at the time.  It's okay.  Not sure I would call it passive aggressive.  Maybe.  You are in the best position to make that call.

At this point, lets take a look at how you feel about the way you handled it and then figure out what you can do differently next time.  You do need the separation IMO. 

[Mutt]

Hi Turkish,

Were  you upset with her is that why you didn’t respond?

Have you done activities with mom and the kids? Is your idea to be able to spend time in front of the kids with the both of you?

[Turkish]

My idea is to do less. Lunches most church Sundays is what I want to handle. I eschewed going to her parents for father's day last year. I had the kids.  I'm glad 2/4 ex brothers-in-law are dads now, last year their first each. I'm thinking of doing something else when I have them again this year. 

[Starfire]

I don't know your story, and I know this is not what you asked, but I wonder if you've thought about how this dynamic will impact a potential future romantic relationship.  Perhaps you aren't even in that head space yet, and that's okay, but eventually I assume you will be.  Generalizing here, of course, but most women are perfectly fine with dating men who have healthy co-parenting relationships, but there is a delicate balance.  Keeping your ex's bike in your garage with the understanding that she's welcome on family biking outings... that will likely raise a huge red flag for a future mate.  How can someone else imagine herself in that picture? 

Like I said, you may not be anywhere close to thinking in those terms yet, but it's worth considering how (or not) you're setting up you and your children for allowing another into your family in the future.  That doesn't directly solve your current internal conflict, but perhaps it is incentive to take a slightly different perspective?

[Turkish]

Yes. The mommy bicycle was a stupid idea. I'd also be enabling her to keep eating the cake of a quasi-relationship, which I've been struggling with for five years.

You are totally right about it being weird if I had a future prospect. Truthfully, I feel that she'd be weird and screw it up due to her anxiety. 

Retiring to Idaho in 12 years can't come soon enough... I want to get out of here.