Rebuilding the connection

[Mauz]

Hello everyone 
I am new here and I have already read many posts, and know I should read more. I am currently really suffering for the "break-up" with a girl that suffers BPD. I put the word "break-up" in quotation marks because we were not in a relationship, but we were getting closer every day. So if this board is wrong, I apologize and will repost on the right one.

As many relationships nowadays, we started talking online, just by chance, cause I had been in her city and appeared on the dating app we both use. She told me straightaway that she had BPD, and I told her that was not a problem, cause issues can be faced with the right effort. After talking a while, both with text and phone calls, we both agreed to meet, because we really liked each other, despite living quite far apart, so I undertook the travel to reach her. We spent some wonderful days together, they were really peaceful, relaxing and full of positive vibes. We also shared physical closeness. I know that things can get difficult with distance, but we talked about this in advance, making clear that if this should be a problem, we would speak it out clearly. We also agreed on being clear about everything, for example if we would meet someone closer, or if we would have issues with each other. We agreed we wanted to meet each other at any cost, and since we were both in stressful work situation, we decided to postpone booking tickets for a next meeting till we would have a better schedule. Meantime we would keep talking, every day, texting, calling, video calling and sharing nice and less nice things, supporting each other (I have my own issues too), and we were both happy in what we were building. I think we were both enjoying our time, and both of us would enjoy the connection we had and share many smiles and laughter. Ofc there would be some discussion once in a while, but we would always try to solve "fights" (fight is a too big word) communicating properly and focusing on building something together.

Then suddenly things got bad. I don’t know if there was a trigger or something I missed. Thing is, I was facing myself some issues, so my "guard" lowered, in the sense that I was not the best person (I was very needy and demanding for attention) while at the same time she got a low period, so I guess I failed to be there in the right moment and in the right way. We talked about this and I explained my situation, apologizing for what happened.
But things were changed, she said she could not feel the connection with me anymore, and to see how things would go. But things did not go better. She explained this is due to her BPD that she would pass from liking someone in not liking them anymore suddenly, and that she was sorry. And that she thinks we won’t ever have this connection anymore, and would feel uncomfortable with me showing her affection. I asked if she is interested in rebuilding this connection it, but she said she thinks this is not possible. When I asked how she feels about everything, she said she does care about me, but only as a friend (friendzoned ;-), and when I asked if it was all over she said yes. I told her that I am no person that gives up because of a PD, I know it is hard (yes I can really feel it) and needs lots of strength, but I also know that beautiful things are built with effort and patience. When I asked her what she would do in my situation she said she would not know, cause she would not like herself. She could not tell me any other reason why things were going bad, and would explain it with here BPD (if she would have told me about another reason I would not be posting here). All these things seem to be typical of BPD (I am no expert tho, so just from what I learned in the past months). I am suffering a lot from this, because my feelings did not switch off suddenly like it happened for her, and I really want to put an effort in this.

Now here is the part where I am lost. I don’t know what the best thing to do is. Ofc, I want her “back” and I believe to have the strength to be there for her. But I also don’t want to act in some immature way, and despite it’s hard to give up, sometimes one has to give up (I really don’t want this though). I also know she is not doing therapy, which makes thing even harder I guess. The fact that this change was so sudden (and due to the BPD), and that there is no real reason why things should not be fine with us anymore, makes me think that with time and patience, working on it, things can get better again. I know that BPD is something that is with you your whole life (so this would not be a unique event), as are other PD and issues. I have never dealt with someone with BPD before, and I feel quite desperate right now, but I am really willing to listen and to learn (and will also read more here), and I really would appreciate advice.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Mauz and welcome!

That's great that you've been reading a lot of posts. I'd keep doing that, definitely. You'll find many members who have been where you are.

Have you seen this article? It "breaks down" the BPD break-up (much of it is about more long-standing relationships than yours, but the basics can still apply):
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

A break-up with a pwBPD can be bewildering, as you're discovering. Any BPD relationship can cause what I call emotional whiplash. Not an easy thing to deal with.

You're right in that these relationships are possible and can improve with a lot of patience, understanding and work. But (and this is true of any type of relationship), unless both parties WANT that, it won't happen. If she doesn't want a relationship, you can't force her or even "convince" her. She has to be at least somewhat open to that. Unless she wants it, any attempts by you to keep it going could drive her even farther away. It would be invalidating her feelings.

My advice? Respect her decision. Let her know you're there for her (in a non-threatening, non-pushy way) and care for her, but you respect how she feels. Then show that. Back off. Practice self-care in whatever form that takes for you: hobbies, hanging out with friends/family, seeing your own therapist, taking walks in the park. Focus on making yourself stronger. Read and post here. We have a lot of tools and advice that can help.

If she ends up coming back around and wanting a relationship (which, yes, does sometimes happen), then you'll be in a stronger place, emotionally, to deal with that. If she doesn't, the same applies.

[allovertheplace]

Hi Mauz,

I'm happy you found your way here! This is such a helpful forum full of great people, it's done so much for me in the past few months.

I'm no expert either, but maybe my situation can add some context and I can tell you how I'm trying to approach it. Super long story short, I dated my ex boyfriend for 3 years before his BPD became apparent - he had a mental breakdown for lack of a better word, became a different person overnight, and told me he'd never loved me, was never attracted to me, etc. He cut me off, cheated, and acted completely unbothered by the loss of our relationship and the pain I was in, which was SUCH a far cry from how things had always been.  He wasn't diagnosed until after we broke up and we went no contact for a few months, so I didn't know for months after the fact. I'm glad that your girl seems pretty self aware about her BPD, that way you can at least hear from her mouth that it isn't your fault (although I know this doesn't make any of it feel better).

So I've lived through the sudden dramatic change in feelings that seems to make no sense. Since we reconnected we act like we're dating, but aren't. From the first day he was being intimate/sexual, saying he loved me, wanted to hang out a lot, etc. which was so confusing because for months I'd been torturing myself repeating his words, that he'd never loved me, I disgusted him, etc. Since then we've switched back and forth from two extremes multiple times: sometimes he loves me so much, is very overt with expressing that, wants to be together, we see each other/talk often etc. and sometimes we won't talk for weeks, he never wants to date me (still wants to act like much more than friends, however), but when I reach out it's like I'm annoying him and he could do with or without me. Even though I know it's an inevitable cycle, it rips me apart each time things go up and then come crashing down.

That being said, from what I've learned BPD emotions are very rarely permanent. They are completely real and valid to the person expressing them - they do truly feel the things they say in the moment - but they tend to lack emotional constancy so things shift without warning. Whereas you or I might say "I love you" and be able to feel that consistently, even through fights or hard times, BPDs often can't maintain the "I love you" feeling if they feel frustrated by you or distant from you in the moment. In my situation, we were in a bit of a rough patch, so my ex's feeling of being distant became the only feeling he'd ever felt - he'd always felt this lack of love for me and always would. Then he rationalized, and that's where the "I never loved you, etc." came from - this is what he's told me, at least. It's really hard to wrap your head around because it's so different from how you or I might feel, but something people say with BPD often is "feelings = facts" - it's harder for someone with BPD to say "I feel angry at this person and like I'm not as in love with them as I once was" but to also know "But I love this person and we're just in a tough spot that we need to work through" - the first emotion overrides.

I truly never ever thought that I would ever speak to my ex again, that was how intense his indifference towards me was. I didn't expect to hear from him, let alone have him invite me over, kiss me and tell me he loves me among other things the very day that we reconnected after months of hostility/silence. So nothing is impossible and I think it's really hard to say that her feelings are permanent, one way or the other - again, the reversal could happen so suddenly and would probably be triggered by something in her life/head, not something you could see.

That being said, because the shifts in feelings are usually a product of the person with BPD's own perception, there isn't much you can do to flip things around. We can very easily, however, push them away. Coming on too strong and trying desperately to fix things or explain your feelings (which believe me I did) might just push her away further and cause annoyance or lead her to believe you're clingy, etc. Not that any of those things would necessarily be true, but people with BPD sometimes struggle with the fear of being abandoned but also engulfed, so feeling controlled or consumed by you could do exactly the opposite of what you're hoping for.

I read something once that said: when navigating these issues with people with BPD, do exactly the opposite of what your instincts tell you to because this isn't a typical, emotionally regulated/healthy dynamic. So for me, my gut reaction is to pour out my affection and love, try to get closer, fix things, etc. when in reality this just convinces my ex that I'm needy and he can't escape me and confirms the negative emotions he may be having. So maybe try to find a balance between being present so she knows you're there and there's no hostility, but also letting her process her emotions on her own. There's a total possibility that given that time and space, she'll come around - she needs to know that you'll be there if she does, but there's nothing you can do to push her to this point or compel her to work on it. My ex isn't in therapy either, although he's very aware of his condition and irrational behaviors. He just isn't at the point where he cares. So, as hard as it is, I try to take his lead - when he's expressing the positive stuff I let myself do the same, when he pulls back I have to force myself to because I've tried to ask him what's changed and why and keep being affectionate and that has such a negative effect. He retreats and I feel forgotten.

All of that being said, this really does a number on your self worth and emotions. I'm okay and getting help to learn to be less emotionally reactive to his bizarre behaviors and random emotional shifts, but I'm constantly in a state of hurting while he's in my life. But I love him so much and, like you, I'm not one to give up because of mental health issues. Walking away to me seems impossible and like a waste of a lot of love. Like Ozzie said, try to work on strengthening your sense of self and security with your life, that way if she comes back around, you're in a solid place where these ups/downs won't tear you apart every time. I haven't been solid at all since the breakup, so each shift sort of turns my world upside down - you get used to it and it feels easier, but still devastates you to feel like somebody you love may not love you tomorrow for no reason - the fear stinks.

You sound like a really great person who is willing to stick through a lot to work through this with her, and that's amazing - but I'll pass on the same message to you that people have been drilling into my head for months: real change can't happen until she's ready, of her own accord, to get help and is committed to it. Our support, however intense it is, can't do this for them. It seems like you're able to detach from this and recognize that it's not your fault, which is amazing because I still struggle with that. I hope that this could help even a little bit!