Neither Abandoning Nor Enabling

[Sage Brush]

I know that writing to my adult splitting son who has cut me off would make things worse.  So would never reaching out to him again.  Would  once a month make sense?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Sage Brush

You ask the million dollar question here, how do we reconnect with our loved ones without pushing them further away? Forgive me if I've misinterpreted the core of your question, please let me know if I have.

Unfortunately, there is no pat answer for this stuff, "it all depends..."

Fortunately, you've found a supportive place on the internet where you can safely process what's happening with your relationship - we get it. You don't have to figure this out alone

I'm so sorry your son has cut you out, what happened?

Whatever it is, please know that many of us have been in similar situations and have found hope here, support from others walking a similar journey, and we want to help. We know how difficult it is to navigate these emotionally intense relationships. I'm glad you found us.

Please share whatever you are comfortable with, we want to help.

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Sage Brush
I join OH in welcoming you here and assuring you that you have come to the right place for help and support. It is hard when our adult children cut us off. I am currently cut off from my 24 yr old son although I don't know how long that will continue. It is also hard to strike a balance and not be seen as either neglectful or pushy. I think a monthly message is good. Keep it light though. Nothing heavy. Just "I love you and wish you well and am here if you need me" kind of thing. Meanwhile, learn all you can about BPD. Welcome!

[rolney]

Hi Sage Brush

I feel your pain. I'm in exactly that situation at the moment. My daughter has cut us off and up to about 2 weeks ago would respond to msgs from my husband but now that has stopped. I did write to her once a month roughly for the past 6 months because we are in the early stages of this latest outburst. She would always respond within the hour and yes, it had made things worse. This week I wrote to her again "validating her feelings "...an important thing for BPD's but not validating her distortion of the truth. She hasn't replied. I don't know what to do next. I'm not sure why you think writing will make it worse...? The thing we know about BPD's is they fear abandonment and rejection so not making any contact could fuel that feeling for them...that is why I followed advice on her and reached out. I don't know what the answer is...keep treading the water I guess.

[Sage Brush]

I know that writing every day to my adult splitting son who has cut me off would make things worse.  So would never reaching out to him again.  Would  once a month make sense?

[Only Human]

Hello again Sage Brush

Like Faith and mggt, I have also been cut off by my DD25 at times. In my situation, it's always happened after I've evicted her from my home.

I echo Faith's suggestion to keep any communication light, loving, and mggt makes a good point as well:

This week I wrote to her again "validating her feelings "...an important thing for BPD's but not validating her distortion of the truth.

Here's an article that goes into more depth about validating/not validating the invalid.

Validate the Valid

The last part of the pop-up includes Shari Manning's Validation Model and has some really great tips.

We look forward to getting to know you and how we can best support you. You are not alone.

~ OH

[Lollypop]

Hi sagebrush

My relationship broke down for a while when my son was in his early 20’s. I know how it feels - my son couldn’t be around me. I found this forum and discovered that I had to change my approach. My son and I are in a better place now.

When was the last time you heard from him?

I’m so very sorry you’re having to go through this, it’s very painful.

LP

[Mirsa]

Hi,

From my perspective, it seems as though it's a lose/lose situation.  She says she doesn't want to hear from me, and if I contact her, it enrages her, if I don't contact her, it is 'abandonment.'    She basically uses either/both actions as a way of validating her own storyline/identity as a victim. 

I've decided to communicate with her as works for ME.  This way, I know it's authentic, and I am reaching out to her from an honest place of love, and not from fear, obligation, or guilt.

Good luck,
Mirsa