Scapegoating and Brainwashing

[Redk331]

Hello all.  This is my first post here.  This site was recommended by a friend of mine who also is the director of a community mental health organization.  She felt that this community might provide me with some support.  

My mother is (undiagnosed) NPD/BPD.  All my life there has been a push/pull relationship between her and others in my family - namely my sister and my eldest son.  She drops us without warning and ices us out, then after we make amends (for things we did not do), she would bring us back into the fold and be kind again.  This has gone on for years, intensifying as we've all grown older.  Personally, I have been disowned via email three times, each time on my birthday, then eventually reinstated.  

[Sunfl0wer]

Just felt like popping in for saying hello, welcome.

I personally was likely raised by some tyrant of a matriarchal figure and her diagnosis I am unsure of.  My sister tho definitely has BPD and bipolar.  I am familiar with my sister dropping in/out of my life as it suits her emotional regulation “needs.”

I have learned tons here.  Most helpful stuff that has been ongoing and years of study then implementation then more studying and so on... on the topic of learning boundaries.

Am still learning this... glad actually that I am as I do feel more whole and content in life for this kind of ongoing boundary learning.

[Redk331]

Hello all.  This is my first post here.  This site was recommended by a friend of mine who also is a mental health specialist and director of a mental health center.  She felt that this community might provide me with some support. (note: this is the full updated post)

     My mother is (undiagnosed) NPD/BPD.  All my life there has been a push/pull relationship between her and others in my family - namely my sister and my eldest son.  She drops us without warning and ices us out, then after we make amends (for things we did not do), she would bring us back into the fold and be kind again.  This has gone on for years, intensifying as we've all grown older.  Personally, I have been disowned via email three times, each time on my birthday, then eventually reinstated.  
     My sister and I are adopted.  This is significant.
     I have two sons from my one marriage.  I divorced their father in 2005 and he was the male version of my mother with the addition of physical abuse along with the familiar condescension, gaslighting, and emotional torment.  I would joke later on that while most women "married" their fathers, I "married" my mother. 
    My elder son grew up without any major challenges, thank goodness.  He is a well-adjusted and confident 22-year old young man.  My younger son, however has struggled with everything from Oppositional Defiant Disorder, to ADHD, to Aspergers. He has learning disabilities and has had IEPs his entire academic life.  Most of the time, his negative behavior was externalized only at school so he spent many hours in the principals office, including during daily lunch in grade school.  The combined smells and sounds of the cafeteria were overwhelming for him so he would eat with his principal at a table just for him.  He was lucky to have such compassionate administrators.  They helped the teachers understand that he was not to be defined by his behaviors and that they were linked to larger issues.
     My younger son was in and out of counseling his whole life.  Most of them he hated because they would try to help him adjust to general norms that his oppositional personality naturally defied.  But he got better over time and his goals of becoming a filmmaker and/or politician seemed within reach.
     Then, in 2017, he graduated early.  He wanted to do it.  He could, so he did.  But he lost a lot of his social network since his other friends were still in school and a number of other things collided that ended up creating chaos.  He had a new friend who got him into drugs.  He fell in love and had his heart broken.  He became suicidal.  He became violent - towards me. 
     During this last stretch of time my elder son was living in an apartment elsewhere with friends.  I had remained mostly single since my divorce and did not have a new partner - and still have not for a long time.  I was alone with my son who was becoming a danger to himself and others, and who was resistant to most treatments.  I was able to get him into an inpatient facility after his first attempt - and this brings my mother back into the story.
    His first attempt seemed to shake her and for the first time she listened when I told her, as we sat in the waiting room during his intake, that she needed to understand that I would only allow her to be in his life if she followed my lead in regards to his care.  I gestured around me and said, "You see where we are, right?"  She was chagrined and agreed.  That Christmas she had the three of us, along with my sister, her husband, and a family friend, over for dinner.  She likes to give speeches.  She ended it with, "...and my favorite phrase is 'we are all one', and that's what we are as a a family - one."
    Bull___.
    A year before my son's first suicide attempt (fall of 2017), my son showed the first sign of physical aggression towards me.  He put his fist in my face.  Didn't hit me.  Threatened to.  My dad always was close to me and my boys and my younger son looked up to him, so I drove him to my parents house so my dad could talk to him about making better choices.  That's what happened.  They talked. 
    While my dad was talking to my son in the living room, I sat in the sun room with my mother where she feigned sympathy and concern.  I say "feigned" because once my son completed his conversation with my dad and entered the sun room, she looked at him and said, "Well, your mother must have done something to deserve that - you are such a good boy." 
    My dad and I looked at eachother, then at my son.  My son looked confused.  I stood up and said, "No, mom.  First of all, this is not about whether he is a good boy.  He is good.  This is about a choice and nothing warrants violence.  Anger is a healthy emotion, however the choice in how to convey that sometimes isn't.  He made an unhealthy choice and that is what needs to be communicated."  She just walked over to my son and hugged him, whispered something into his ear. 
    I tugged his arm and said that we needed to go.  Later on, I wrote an email to my parents explaining that it would not be in my son's best interest to be around her for awhile. 
     Fast forward to the next year - March of 2018.  My son was out of the facility after his first attempt and got more heavily into drugs with that one friend.  He was becoming more and more agitated.  Finally he attacked me - strangled me.  I got away and called the police.  He ran away.  They found him, booked him, and took him to jail.  He was 18 at this point.  My heart broke.  I called my elder son who rushed over and sat with me while I talked to the police.  I wanted them to release him but the city was charging him, not me.  The marks on my throat, back (where he hit me repeatedly with the plastic reservoir of a humidifier), and head were indisputable evidence that they were bound to use. 
    I sobbed.  My elder son stayed.
    My parents were vacationing in Hilton Head at the time and I thought they should know.  My elder son disagreed.  I should have listened to him.  I called them the next day - a Sunday - and my mother's response after I briefly told her what happened was to pause and then say, "is that all?".  I was holding the phone in front of me and the speaker was on so my son could listen and talk.  He shook his head and mouthed for me to hang up.  I did. 
    Later that week they contacted the public defender I hired for my other son and offered their "assistance".  He was released to me after the arraignment and I told the prosecutor that he needed help, not jail time.  The judge agreed to a lesser charge, he was put on a two-year probation and life went on. 
     A few months later, he was in college and going to regular outpatient therapy, yet his behavior was escalating again.  I didn't know why.  My elder son had moved home to help - he didn't feel that I was safe in the house alone with his brother.  My dad would stop by periodically and talked to my younger son to reinforce expectations. 
     My mother was working insidiously in the background, but I'll come to that later.
     During the middle of the summer semester when the course work got heavier, I discovered my son had tried again to kill himself.  There were empty pill bottles in his room.  I confronted him.  He confessed.  He had tried the night before but failed.  I cried.  I told him that I could not keep him safe and that he would need to be readmitted.  He refused.  I called my parents, knowing that he still wanted to look good in front of them.  I asked my dad to come alone.  He didn't. 
     An hour later, we were sitting in my living room.  My mother asked my son, "Did you really take those pills?" 
    He settled back into his chair, shrugged, and said, "Nope. She's exaggerating." 
    She smirked and turned to me to say, "Why do you lie about things like this?" 
    The world spun.  I was in the Twilight Zone.  I was trying to get my son help when he desperately needed it, and also desperately didn't want it.  My dad is in his 80s and this was at 11:00 at night.  He was exhausted, so he didn't help.  I ended up kicking them out because they made everything worse.  My mother commented on my house being messy (derived from a full basket of laundry on my kitchen table and some books on the living room floor), and that I looked awful (I was also home on medical leave due to vertigo from the hearing loss in one ear I received, most likely due to the assault months before).  As I ushered them to the door, another thought struck me.  I had seen on my adopted sister's Facebook that she was "friends" with my ex-husband.  I thought of this and asked them if they knew.  My mother stopped walking, and asked my dad, "Did we know?", then before he could answer she turned around to look me square in the eyes and said, "Yes.  Yes we did." 
     I slammed the door shut after them.
     A month later after confronting my son about more drug use, he head-butted me so hard I got a concussion and when my older son tried to get in between him and I, he hit him over the back of the head repeatedly with a coffee mug, lacerating his scalp.  Again I called the police.  Again he ran.  Again they took him in.  This time he called my parents and I haven't been able to talk to him properly since.
     I mentioned the insidious involvement of my mother.  After the March assault, I found out later that she had been messaging my son on Facebook, telling him that they would help him get away from me and my "controlling, abusive ways", that he was not to tell me of their conversations, that she would give him money, that she knew how "awful" I was and how "hateful" I was, etc.  Every effort to bring him back to health was actively undermined by her.  She told him to provide "color" to his therapists in case they would need to testify on his behalf.  On and on.  I found this out months later when, in a weak moment, I tried to log into his Facebook to see if he was literally still alive (I'd been blocked).  Turns out his password was the same as every other one he'd used since he set up his first account online in middle school. 
    My mother hired the most expensive defense attorney in the city and wrote pages of lies as a deposition, citing years of abuse perpetrated by me upon my son.   
    At the arraignment, another event turned everything inside out.  My older son and I were sitting two rows behind my parents and my mother was seated next to a man in a pinstriped suit who we figured must be their fancy lawyer.  During the three hours of waiting before my younger son's case was called, she laughed with the man and traded phones back and forth.  The entire time they ignored my elder son and I.  Not a word.  Nothing.  Finally, when my shackled son entered the courtroom, my elder son and I were pulled in to give our statements.  As I spoke, I turned to look at my parents who had stood up and moved closer to the partition in order to hear better.  Standing next to my mother was the man in the pinstripe suit.  It was my ex-husband.  I don't remember much because I experienced disassociation and had a massive panic attack, right there in the courtroom.  My older son later on told me he had never seen me so scared.
     I started therapy the next day.
     My ex-husband has been MIA in the boys life since the divorce.  No child support.  No cards on their birthdays.  Nothing except a few years of threats against me that prompted the boys' school and my workplace to hire security guards.  Now, here he was standing shoulder to shoulder with my mother, allies.  Madness.
     Since the last assault, my mother has done everything in her power to keep my son not only physically away from me, but to ruin our relationship.  He believes what he is told so they control him completely.  He remains unmedicated.  He remains without mental health support.  He remains estranged. 
    He lived with my parents for a time and would text me to apologize, to say he loved me, to say he wanted help... but those texts changed into nothing.  He stopped responding.  They moved him in with his father (!) and wouldn't talk to me about my son's needs - instead conferring with his father instead.  Again, madness.  They retained the same attorney for themselves and enlisted him to send a cease-and-desist letter to me in regards to contacting them, after I tried to get them to see that my son needed help - I multiple occasions, I presented proof.  That doesn't matter to her.  To them.  My father is old, in pain, and tired.  He cannot help.
    Mother's Day is around the corner and my son might as well be on Mars.  The latest communication from her was that they would ruin my reputation, make me lose my job (which is preposterous), and generally ruin my life if I contact my son again.  This was after he reached out last week and asked me to go to therapy with him twice a month.  They told him not to and followed up with the threats to me.
    I find the cease-and-desist ridiculous because I would if I could.  Trust me.  It is she who inserts herself between my son and myself and it is she who should cease-and-desist to Me. 
    I have learned terms like "scapegoating", "triangulating", "mobbing".  My sister is the "golden child" and has not reached out to my older son or I once, yet she stands besides my parents.  My elder son and I have been equally blacklisted and she controls the dialogue - and my younger son.   She's stolen my cherished possession - my child. 
     I mentioned earlier that it was important that I am adopted.   My friend, (the mental health specialist), feels that my son may have inherited a personality disorder like my mother's - from his father.  This is excruciating to consider.  That means that despite the fact that there is no biological link between my mother and I, her issues STILL managed to flow into my son through the man that I consciously chose.  The burden rests on me because it was avoidable.
     Of course, I know that kind of thinking is pointless, not to mention paradoxical.  I understand that people often chase their demons in relationships, and that I would not have had all the wonderful things that my sons are in addition to their challenges, were it not for my relations with that one particular man.  But still, it sits on my hearts and tears at my soul.  What if...  Sigh. 
     If I had one wish, it would be to hug my son.  To look in his eyes and see the boy I know is in there and who does not need to be defined by his issues, if only he had the right kind of support.  Diabetics have to take insulin or die.  Mental illness is often no different.  But a wish is just a wish.  I am bracing for a Mother's Day without a word from him, knowing that things could and should be different.  Yes, last year was horrible but also he pushed through and was his wonderful self more than he wasn't.  Last year, while my older son was working, he insisted that we make a nice day of it and chose places to go that I love and he doesn't - like Ikea.  Later that night, the three of us went together to a movie. 
    Yesterday was May the Fourth.  My younger son and I used to do something special on this day because we are both big Star Wars fans.  My heart broke out of grief from  missing him.
     So, I'm here without one son but lucky enough to have the other - or at least that's what I tell myself.  I see my therapist still nearly every week and am learning that so many of my characteristics - hypervigilance, feelings of undeserving, lack of boundaries, trust issues - come from being raised by a woman incapable of love.  I wish I could detach myself but because my son is within her grasp, I can't. 
     Thank you for reading my story.  I know it's long.  I welcome any advice or feedback you may have - and if you are here too, it must be because you are going through something also.  I extend my compassion to you. You are strong.  You are worth it.  You matter.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am glad you posted and are reaching out for support.  All of us here are dealing with a family member who has BPD or BPD traits/difficult behaviors.  We also have a couple of members posting here who were adopted.  You are not alone and we do get it here.

I would joke later on that while most women "married" their fathers, I "married" my mother.

A lot of us have realized we followed what we knew.  I know I got into relationships with people who behaved similarly to my mom and even my non-dad. 

I am so sorry to hear of the difficulties you and your younger son have dealt with.  I can't fully experience the pain of a parent when their child attempts suicide but I do know pain and grief.  I am so sorry.  On top of that having to deal with his physical violence and your mom working against you must be even more painful.   

Of course, I know that kind of thinking is pointless, not to mention paradoxical.  I understand that people often chase their demons in relationships, and that I would not have had all the wonderful things that my sons are in addition to their challenges, were it not for my relations with that one particular man.  But still, it sits on my hearts and tears at my soul.  What if...  Sigh.

Yes.  I think there will almost always be an element of grief, sorrow and the thoughts 'if only' and 'what if' even when you have accepted the truth that you did what you knew at the time.   

Are you familiar with the term Parental Alienation?  It is something that is frequently talked about here, mostly by members who are in the process of divorcing.  It sounds to me like this is what you mom/parents may have engaged in.  I wonder if learning about that would give you some options.

I am glad you posted on this board as clearly you will want/need support regarding your mothers behaviors.  I am also wondering if you would be interested in posting on the son/daughter board as well.  We have parents here who are dealing with children (many adult children) who have engaged in similar behaviors.  They work on learning to understand the disorder and tools that can help improve things.  We work on them too but the focus here is a bit different.  In case you want to check it out here is the link to the son-daughter board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0

In the meantime, I hope you settle in, read, post and even jump into other threads as we all get it here and support each other.

Again,

[Redk331]

Thank you for the reply. I will definitely look on the son/daughter board as well.  Also, I have heard that term - parental alienation.  It's so difficult because he is legally an adult.  I am sure that I will find a lot of support here.  Thank you again!

[Harri]

Yes, his being an adult really does make this more difficult. 

How are you doing?  What sort of support do you have (other than us here of course?   )  You mentioned a T and your other son so that is good.  What about other stuff that fills you?  Do you discuss growing up with your mom in T?  Sorry, I am prying here but I hope I am not pressuring you.  I do want to make sure we help you in the areas you need it though.   

[Redk331]

Harri, What is a "T"? 

[Harri]

Sorry.

T = therapist

[Redk331]

That’s ok. Lol. Yes, I am completely open with my therapist about everything and she has helped me a lot. I talk about everything with her, including my childhood.

There are plenty of things that fill my life. I love my job, I’ve rediscovered writing again, I read, I work out, I have close and supportive friends. I also enjoy being alone.

The being alone part, though... that took time (and therapy) to do successfully. I never knew that I always kept myself busy as a coping mechanism for PTSD/C-PTSD. I never even considered that I wasn’t really ok. I can thank my therapist for helping me understand myself that way. Solitude is a gift now.

[Hopeandjoy]

Marrying your mother is common, a toxic mother teaches you what to tolerate.

You've learned about some of the dysfunctional patterns like triangulating, you can add some healthy behaviors.  The first thing you need is healthy boundaries with each family member. Your son with the PDs will learn from you, if he trusts your motives he will be on board. Your golden child and mother will be resistant, because they benefit from the dysfunction.

Most of the events you've described show a lack of boundaries leading to out of hand behaviors. the point of recognizing problems is so you can figure out how you're going to respond. It's best to zoom in on the behaviors you dislike. Like any opinion, it's best to leave personality disorders and abuse terms like parental alienation out of the relationships. Treatment is not a quick fix for conflict. Your younger sons issues are linked to the family as a whole, no one person is at fault and no one person is defected.

I'm sure you have noticed that each family member has their own perspective and opinions about the way you all operate. Your job is to focus on your part in it, if the rest of them want to be crazy that's up to them. You can distance yourself when/where necessary. you have the right to enjoy your life despite the way your relatives act.

Your mother is causing a lot of emotional harm for you. I think it will be hard for you to make positive changes with her around. If I were you, I would take a break from seeing her so you can focus on your mental health. I know your son has been harmful to you as well, but I believe that you can influence him for the better if you get your mom out of the picture until you feel confident in yourself. If you fully understand your goals, you could employ your T to guide you through this. I would not advise adopting a passive stance with your T, she will be happy to charge you for endless sessions and you can define your problems until the cows come home.

[Redk331]

Hopeabdjoy thank you for replying. I don’t think that either I conveyed my situation accurately or perhaps you misunderstood. I do not see my mother at all and would not choose any interaction if it were not for my son. Any communication with for over a year has been outside of my control and peripheral to other events. My son lives outside of my home and under her control since last August.

Some terms are good to know, if for informational purposes, not to mention for legal ones.

I have a trusting relationship with my therapist and have benefitted greatly from my sessions with her since last August. I shared my story because that is what it is. My story. But I try every day for it not to define me.  Also, there is nothing or no-one that is within our control outside of ourselves. Even then, many of our choices are involuntary. That’s why it is so important to seek to understand your true self. I’m on that path now and while it’s difficult, it’s worth it.

Struggling is a part of life - but learning how to cope and be healthy in an autonomous way is the challenge. I am grateful every day. Gratitude is what I live by. Humor and positivity as well. They do not erase trauma and heartache, if they help.

Thank you for your feedback.

[Hopeandjoy]

My son lives outside of my home and under her control since last August.

Your mother has too much power in the family.

When you sought help for your son's disorders, when they told you it was linked to bigger issues, what that means is that the entire family is dysfunctional. They were telling you not to make your son the problem. Unfortunately you believed your son did not deserve that compassion and favor.
When you took your son to counseling, the therapist was working for you, that's why they validated the idea that your son was the problem. Your son was not allowed to communicate with you about this, that's why he became defiant.
You provided a lot of content proving how messed up your son is. It is clear you strongly believe he's guilty as charged.
I believe your youngest son has been scapegoated.
It is clear you think highly of your other son, it sounds like you have a golden child.
Your youngest son prly believes you have NPD. His therapists prly encourage him to cut ties with you.
I'm not sure if you're here to get support so you can have a healthy r/s with your son, or if you're here to validate your perspective on the situation.

[Redk331]

I have not entioned my son’s therapists so I am curious how that topic came up. I love both of my son’s equally. Hope and joy, Please do not reply to my post anymore. Thank you.

[Harri]

A reminder of our guidelines:

2.4 Divisive Exchanges: All members should feel safe in their expressions; we are all here to heal from abuse. Please keep in mind that the membership is comprised of diverse experiences and backgrounds; this is a great strength of our community. Forum is healthy when conducted in a respectful, and tolerant manner. Under no circumstances shall members be permitted to engage in divisive or abusive exchanges or be judgmental of other members.

If you have an offensive comment directed toward you, do not engage it. If a you find the subject matter or a response to be triggering, do not engage it. Step away from your computer. If, upon reflection, you feel that there is a problem that needs to be addressed, please contact a moderator. The staff will investigate with an impartial eye. There is a button for this purpose at the bottom right corner of every post titled "report to moderator."
https://bpdfamily.com/guidelines#divisive

- Harri

[Hopeandjoy]

You would benefit from the don't JADE tool. This forum is a place you can practice.

They also have a great article about Boundaries and Karpman drama triangle.

[Panda39]

Hi Redk311,

I also wanted to welcome you to the BPD Family  

I'm sorry that your son is leaning on your mom, it sounds to me like he is taking the path of least resistance.  You have been setting boundaries which of course is what you should do but he doesn't like and your mom on the other hand is validating your son's poor behaviors which of course any healthy person would not do but is easier for him.  Then they team up against you.  I can completely understand both as a mother and a daughter how awfully painful this must be for you.

Then complicating it all is that your son is an adult...an immature adult but legally an adult none the less.  So at this point your control is limited.  

I arrived here too trying to control...my partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share 2 daughters.  His wife was alienating his kids just like your mom is doing with your son.  I came here one angry Panda, angry at the uBPDxw for pulling all the strings behind the scenes, the girls for siding with their mother against their father, and even with my partner for not showing (what I thought) was not enough backbone.

One of the first lessons I learned here is that the only person I control is myself...I could not make any of them do anything that they didn't want to do.  So I needed to detach some, I needed to let go of my anger, I needed to let some things happen that had consequences, I needed to put my focus where it was constructive etc.

So my first bit of advice is to try and let go of trying to control (and believe me I know this is hard to do, you will go back and forth with it, and it will take time), your mom and son are using that to keep you engaged in the drama.  As Hopeandjoy also mentioned I'd like to share the link on the Karpman Triangle because I see it in your situation too.  I think it really helps to understand the Karpman Triangle or any dynamic that is playing out with our person with BPD (pwBPD) it helps to clarify what is going on and also helps so we don't take things as personally.  

Here is a link about the Karpman Triangle...  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

What we learn here is that we can change our approach to things and in changing our approach we can change outcomes both for ourselves (self-care is important) and for the relationship with the person with BPD/BPD traits in our lives.

I'm sorry to hear that you have PTSD my partner's younger daughter has been diagnosed with PTSD as well it is a tough thing to deal with, but having a Therapist in your corner will really help.  I'm glad to hear about the support you have in your life because as I'm sure you know already that is super helpful.  We all need someone in our corner. Now you have us too!

Take Care,  
Panda39