Almost made it through the day without confrontation

[CathFoley]

My sisters and I received a simple "Thank you" from our uBPD mom. We kept it simple and said you're welcome, Happy Mother's day.  My older sister got this text from our enabling grandmother saying " Could you tell me why you are doing this to your mom? She has forgiven you for many things you have done. I could name them. How long are you going to punish her for whatever. I think this is horrible and have never seen anything like it. I'm sorry but I'm sick of all this plotting.  She doesn't deserve this. So if you have a reason I would like to know. And i'm not sharing this with anyone so let's be honest with each other. And if you would rather talk to me face to face I would rather that. I can't go on like this anymore. "  following this both myself and my younger sister missed a phone call and got an angry voicemail. This is typical sequence of events.

[JNChell]

Hi, CathFoley. Sounds like you’re having a difficult Mother’s Day. If I read correctly your grandma intervened and tried to shame you?

[Harri]

Hi.  

Ugh!  I hate it when this sort of thing happens.

Have you responded yet?

You might want to check out this article on Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle.  You will see what your mother and grandmother are doing and how you have been, at least in their minds, the persecutor.  Make sure you read all the way to the bottom as you will see how to get out of this dynamic.  It takes practice but works quite well.

[CathFoley]

That is correct. This is very common between the two of them. I'll be at odds with my mom and without even talking to my grandmother about it, she will intervene in defense of her.  Every time. 

I responded by saying that I wasn't going to participate in this and didn't appreciate being singled out for the state of our mom's relationships. All I or my sisters have done is be honest and if that can't be respected  and we are going to be punished for it the so be it. Her being our mom does not excuse the behavior and we certainly have the right to set personal boundaries.  When all three of us are saying the same things maybe that should be reflected on.

She replied: I told you I didn't want to hear from you! I just wanted some answers.  But I guess I won't get any! Sorry I bothered you. Later just tell me what personal boundaries are?

[CathFoley]

I think I need to commit to full NC. There is no convincing them to hear me out and all I get is deflection and denial over and over again.

[JNChell]

Are you committed to that ?

[JNChell]

I also think that it’s necessary to discuss our childhoods. Are you ok with that?

[Harri]

She replied: I told you I didn't want to hear from you! I just wanted some answers.  But I guess I won't get any! Sorry I bothered you. Later just tell me what personal boundaries are?

So she, predictably, shifted into the role of victim, keeping you the persecutor.

No response is needed for her last message to you.  You said no... stand by that.

Even if you do end up going no contact, understanding the drama triangle will help you process what happens with you, your mom and g-ma.   Being raised in the sort or environment we were, we are all at risk of getting involved in dysfunctional triangles... I specify dysfunctional because some triangles are healthy and stabilizing.  Learning to differentiate between the good and bad is important.

I think I need to commit to full NC. There is no convincing them to hear me out and all I get is deflection and denial over and over again.

We can support you as you make your choice.  Regardless, having appropriate expectations is also important.

[LumosNox22]

Thank you for this post. I needed it today! I am sorry that you are having a rough Mother's Day! I empathize your situation! I had the same round of text messages between my BPDM and her girlfriend this weekend. It a confusing round of whiplash.

Her Gf texted me saying that some of things she says to my mom are what sets her off and that she is working on it. That we can't blame everything on her BPD. That things she does upset my mom and that is her fault. That she used to blame my mom and realized that it sometimes her. That she can see where it would hurt my mom, that I no longer trust her with my son. That my brother's being distant is on them. That mothers are human and that they make mistakes and my mother is legitimately hurt. She asked me, if my childhood was really bad enough to hold it against my mom? That when my mom tries to talk to me that I stop the conversation.

I didn't reply to any of this. I don't even know what to say. I feel that they want me to say I'm sorry and do a complete make up with my mom. I don't think I want to, yet.

I do the exact some thing it seems that you do. When your mom and you are at odds or she goes into a "rager"...you refuse to fuel the fire. I told my mom during several arguments conversations the past 2 weeks...that "I'm done talking about this" and "I'm not going to participate in the vicious down wad spiral." I go back and forth between feeling guilty because I'm being mean and that what I'm doing is setting boundaries to keep things from escalating.