I am angry. Feeling trapped. Stuck. Frozen. Locked. Behind bars. Glued down. Concrete up to my knees. Right now. Today, in my marriage and my relationship with my wife I feel hopeless. I’ve held onto hope for almost ten years. But I’m coming to realize much of this dysfunction (not all) is on the coattails of a lifelong personality disorder. A personality disorder that is caused by trauma, neglect and intense unhealthy specifically in relationships. What is oozing out of my inner subliminal pores is anger. Rage. Resentments for the wounds. The floggings. The beatings that I took on as my own for years. I am hurt. Hurting. And feel like no one truly knows or understands what it is like to be the source, the target, the bullseye. Everything is my fault. Always my fault. I see someone noone else sees or knows. The deep seeded cynicism. Anything and everything I say has to be countered, challenged and argued with sometimes not in tone but still challenged nonetheless. I can never win. At the drop of a pin an argument stemming from anything as meaningless as how I walked past her in the kitchen, a glance I made or did not make, my eyes wandering or looking elsewhere on her face other than her eyes… “What are you looking at” she says in a panicked voice. “What are your thinking right now!” she demands. “You’re thinking. ‘THIS’ aren't you? “ Then with the vengeance of a tempest in the middle of the Atlantic with all the angst and anger towards a life’s worth of relationship resentments directed at that perceived thought of mine, the argument escalates. I feel like I can’t even have my own thoughts without them coming under fire! I'm afraid to think thoughts that might set her off! WTF?
We have a toddler now. He’s the most precious gift I have ever been given. His name means, ‘Rest, peace and comfort from the winding valley.’ He lives up to the name. He is wildly intelligent. A sponge.
She wants more. Some days she's the best mom on the planet other days I see her taking out her frustration on him. She lately has almost been demanding more kids. I can't in good faith do it. Not now.
My wife cannot be alone. She cannot have a day let alone two back to back where she is not surrounded by someone. My son is becoming the same way. Has to be entertained. Has to be doing something with someone.
I’ve been fortunate and blessed to have stumbled all but by the grace of God into a work rhythm that brings life. That I enjoy. I’m a creator. These days it’s running a tech company.
It’s a full season. I manage dozens of employees. We have thousands of customers. And we’re in the middle of the biggest launch in the history of our company. I am needed in this arena in a very real and tangible way at least for the next year. We have an enormous opportunity right now. Yet, I am SO afraid of putting in the hours I need to for a season (with an expiration date) due to how it will affect my BPD?
What makes this awareness most difficult is that I am a recovering addict myself. Who am I to cast the first stone? A recovering sex addict. I used to be addicted to porn and masturbation. It’s how I coped. How I numbed. But by the grace of God, I have found an incredible community (of men and women) and have found healing and meaning in ways I never dreamt life could be lived. A week from now is my one-year sobriety date. While I have not explicitly ever had an affair. My last (and most extreme) relapse one year ago was going to a massage parlor for a massage and being assisted in the release.
I told my (non-diagnosed) BPD. It nearly broke her. Certainly did not help with the trust issues. I was wrong.
I have an incredible support group. Three other guys I talk to EVERYDAY (rain or shine) at the end of the day to check-in emotions, anger, events of the day, say a prayer and commit to another 24 hours of sobriety. I have a list of 60 guys I can call on a the drop of hat to checkin emotion. More importantly, I’ve found a grace and power much stronger than my own to carry me through the forest of this life.
But now I feel. I feel the emotions and feelings that I once neglected or didn’t want to feel. Since acting out is not an option. The hurt is that much greater. The lashing stings in a way it never has before.
The “always on the offense towards me” it really hurts. The being blamed for anything and everything often with her position on issues changing as frequently as the wind.
I’m at a loss.
Emotions are her guide. She cannot read nuance. Everything is black and white. Anything implied is most assuredly missed.
I'm the best husband one day and the worst the next. Hero to villain sometimes on the same day.
Our couples counselor (whom we see 1-2 times a month) recommended three months ago she see a very specific therapist (that ironically enough specializes in DBT). She’s a therapist in high demand and it requires calling the office at 8 am every Monday morning to book an appointment three weeks out. My wife is consistently inconsistent. Make these big grandiose promises and confessions to change everything about herself (diet, exercise, self-help) commits all-in for 1-2 weeks… then stops. She has only seen this therapist one time. She does have another appointment next week.
When I told my personal counselor I think my wife has BPD she dismissed it, told me not to think about it and leave it to the professionals (my counselor was also pregnant and some sessions I felt like her moodiness would bleed into our sessions in ways it didn't in the past).
My wife has in the past been diagnosed with PMDD. I think this is much more than PMDD.
Her mom is currently in an out of state rehab for alcohol. A DUI is .80 her mom was found blacked out with a .330. You can die from alcohol poisoning from .300-.400. She has had multiple uncles overdose on narcotics. And now stories are coming out that when my wife was a baby/child her grandmother came to the house to find her mom blacked out on the floor, with pots on the stove and my wife screaming her head off in the crib.
Her parents divorced at a young age. Her brother turned to other men for his relationships.
I am working through resentments in my 12 steps and I have ALOT towards her. I am shutting down in my heart.
The BPD symptoms are extreme twice a month (when she is ovulating and a few days prior to her period) but the underlying angsty-ness and trust issues, and up and down, eggshell dance happens irrespective of the time of the month. We might have 3 good days and then a progression of 2-3 bad days.
Fighting makes her feel loved. It’s like she needs to fight to know I’m there.
Has anyone else experienced this? Am I crazy for thinking my wife has BPD?
I’ve been reading the eggshells book which was like reading a biography about my BPD.
