Can we help our BPD children understand choices and consequences?

[FaithHopeLove]

Can we help our BPD children understand the connection between their choices in life and the consequences of those choices? My husband and I always emphasized this with our now 24 yr old son recently diagnosed with BPD. It seems all our efforts were of little to no avail. He does not really make the connection between say choosing to sell drugs illegally and getting robbed at gun point by other dealers or choosing to rent a 2 bedroom apartment not a 1 bedroom or studio and having higher rent than you like or, and this is a big one, saying nasty things to people and losing friends. Is there any hope he will ever see at least some of these connections? Is there anything I can do to help him do so?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Faith

Is there any hope he will ever see at least some of these connections?

I think so, yes. My son lived his life hour by hour. His days had no structure, no purpose, only getting high. His “problems” weren’t real problems like being on time, paying a bill, making an appt. I was there doing his thinking for him. What I was doing was preventing his development and growth.

It’s a matter of switching on the problem solving skills and, for him, it was only through the experience of consequences that his brain started to flicker into some action. That’s how I like to visualise it anyways. My son has to take 5-6 attempts at most things for it to become routine. Even then he slips depending on his circumstances.

The best help we  can give is to pass responsibility for his life into his lap gently. Be there alongside him while he works through it. When the consequence arrives, we  can use SET to validate how he’s feeling. That’s the help he needs. When I made suggestions or offered advice I was preventing his brain from problem solving himself.  If he took the advice and it went wrong I’d get the blame - furthering resentment. I learnt to give advice only when he asked for it and then I’d try and give an answer of options and let him try and work out what was best.

I reached a point where I did nothing. No money. No talk of problems. I got light as a fairy and talked of everything but. I told jokes, shared tittle tattle - setting a  scene of warmth, confidence he could work things out, not asking questions.

What’s your thoughts?

LP

Everything your son should do for himself, he should do for himself.

[FaithHopeLove]

That all makes a lot of sense LP. My husband and I (particularly my husband truth to tell) need to stop rescuing and enabling him. Having BPD does not mean he is incapable of being responsible for his behavior.

[Lollypop]

Hi Faith

You can’t change your son, only yourself. Once I stopped enabling he started to change himself.

What did my enabling look like?

Opening letters, pre-empting bills/debts.
Reminding him of things
Being too involved in his life
Giving him money
Talking about problems
Giving him choices
Pushing him to dr, social benefits, interviews
Looking for rentals, cars to buy
I was his keeper, his failsafe

I had to learn to ask myself a question every time I felt a need to take an action. I’d ask “is this MY problem?”  I had to re-learn.


What did not enabling look like?

A boundary: no drugs in the house
No questions
No talk of problems
Empty his bin occasionally (encourage tidying)
Make his bed a few times when he was really struggling
Provided a bed and food
Regular meals available
No expectation of treatment or stopping drug use
No money given
Drove him to work for 6 months so he could seek financial stability
Asking for rent when I knew he could afford it to teach financial management skills
Validation, validation, validation
SET
DEARMAN

What does your enabling and not enabling look like to you faith?

Where will you start? It’s important that both you and your husband stand together and agree.

I set myself a 3 point plan. It helped me stay the course - not get distracted when son whined, struggled or the small stuff like he didn’t keep his room tidy. I got focussed and strategic -- three key priorities.

It helped me look strong to him. If I’m weak, angry, anxious or upset he gets unsettled. Every time I do something for my son that he should do for himself, I’m silently saying to him I don’t think he’s capable.

My son is capable. He just struggles and will always choose the hard way to achieve things.

Our kids have to find their own way to live their own lives.  Let’s let them have the dignity to do so while we emotionally support.

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

You are right LP. The enabling has to stop. I admit I played a big role in him "finding" the apartment he is in now. (Although I would have opted for the smaller apartment) because I was not ready to face him being homeless. Ironically it is probably his sense that this was not his choice may be fueling his anger now.

[Only Human]

because I was not ready to face him being homeless.

I know how that feels, Faith. I'm a recovering enabler myself and took my daughter in last year for the same reason, to save her from homelessness.

As for your initial question, I agree with lypop, yes - if we get out of their way. I'm still working on that, and I see you are too.

Onward!

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Is there any hope he will ever see at least some of these connections? Is there anything I can do to help him do so?

That's a really helpful exercise you've shared LP.

Hi Faith, I also think there is hope your son will see some of the connections and LP and OH are spot on, we've got to get out of their way. Goodness, the 2 bed apartment is a lesson how we can so easily be perceived as being responsible for our children's woes. I think it's important also to remember there are things we can do that are supportive in achieving goals like LP driving her son to work for 6 months to achieve financial stability and my DD giving up work to work on her recovery, she's not paying rent …. so that's a financial contribution from me. I'll add to that I do not give her money, she receives a small disability payment that covers her essentials.

Are there presently any things you are doing for your son, he can do for himself? And if so is it the right time to stand back?

WDx

[FaithHopeLove]

Are there presently any things you are doing for your son, he can do for himself? And if so is it the right time to stand back? /quote]

At present no. I don't see my husband or I doing anything for my son he cannot do for himself. The big boundary is he can't move back in with us. His father co signed his 2 year lease - which we know was enabling- but will not do that again. It is up to our son to figure out how to earn money to support himself legally. Right now he is mad about it. Oh well. And yes thank you LP for these great questions.

[murmom]

This thread helps me a lot. I'm a usual lurker, but issues with my Dx BPD have come to a head recently. My 21 year old daughter had an opportunity this past February to go to a group home, wherein she would receive free housing for 1 month in exchange for working on goals toward self-sufficiency, finishing her high school diploma, finding stable employment, addressing mental health and substance abuse issues, etc. After one month she had the opportunity to transition into a program that offered housing at a very reduced rate for one full year. She stayed one night at this place and went back to her drug-dealing, abusive boyfriend. I told her after she did that all the problems relating to her decision to go back to BF were hers to resolve.  And I have stuck to that.  There have been nights were she has been crying because they couldn't get a long and she wanted to stay at our house (an absolute no, because she gets really emotional and does property damage, screams, creates drama, etc.)

Then she got pregnant. All kinds of drama surrounding that. Should she keep the baby or not, marry her BF, etc. Fast forward to last weekend.  She and her BF and his daughter from another baby mama go to a hotel at a water park. She calls me and says that because she hit her boyfriend that she was going to jail.  Come to find out they got into a fight over a $30 room service bill.  Daughter has a DV charge against her now and is PG.  NOW she decides to go back into this group home that she was in a few months before all of this happened. 

I have blocked her phone calls because it is affecting my mental health to the point that I cannot sleep well and then I struggle the next day at work or dealing with other things in my life that I need to deal with. I have been dealing with her instability for 9 years now. She CAN get in touch with us through my husband's (her stepdad's) phone.  I cannot handle the instability anymore and I think she needs to handle her own problems. 

Sorry to go on and on.  I just found this thread very timely and validating for how I need to deal with my adult daughter.

murmom

[livednlearned]

Can we help our BPD children understand the connection between their choices in life and the consequences of those choices?

I don't see signs that SD22 learns from information delivered on a platter. She has so much shame and feels such incompetence that she seems to instantly resent the very help she seeks so desperately.

What I find hard are two things. One, standing by and watching her struggle and suffer when it would be so easy to help. Two, being affected by the mess of whatever learning experience she is going through.

I sometimes feel the real skills I'm learning are sitting on my hands, walking away, not offering advice, and keeping my mouth shut  

[PeaceMom]

My brain is mush as I read thru this. So I get enabling, but what I don’t get is how you live with them in the same home with their huge consequences. Drug dealers coming down my street, police here bc of legal messes she gets in, her wrecked car sitting in front of my house, her laying in bed sick with STDs and bladder infections, listening to her go on and on about her mistreatment by people-she lives in the Victim role, hearing graphic details about gang rapes, watching her walk out the door into a random car dressed provocatively, 3 miscarriages, me desperately forcing her to get her birth control shot every 3 months, as she has sex with just about anyone.
All this at merely 19 with a whole life ahead of her, but very little ability to live it.  I am overcome with jealously when I read about those here whose daughters DONT live at home. I’m so revolted by her behavior that it’s hard to see past it. If her dad or brothers knew these details they would vomit at the mere site of her. It’s simply tragic. And yes, she’s been in therapy for 5 yrs, a hardcore DBT program, etc.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Murmom
I think you are doing the right thing by givi g yourself some space.