Staged Verbal Assault and so much more fun

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

There are a couple different issues that occurred. This post is more of just trying to release it to others who may understand. I get no real understanding of what I have been through or are going through with anyone else...

So, the state I live in has determined that unless she beats them within an inch of their lives, or kills them that she should get every summer with our boys in the state she now lives in 1000+ miles away.

We met half-way, in Chicago, as ordered in our interim stipulation. I had texted her and asked if we could meet to discuss some of the recent issues with the boys. (big mistake) she said no and acted like she was scared of what I would do. (has been doing this a lot lately)

We should meet at the police station, but for the kids emotional sake, I suggested that we meet at a restaurant and I would buy breakfast. So my udxBPDw, brings her adult cousin with her, and a younger cousin.

Oh well, I bought breakfast for them too and didn't bat an eye at it. I figured this would make the transition smoother. Then the adult cousin starts trying to correct what my kids are doing. A 4 year old using a crayon just fine, and he is trying to tell him that he isn't doing it right taking it out of his hand. Again, oh well.

So breakfast is over and her cousin says he needs to get gas, so they leave, so my wife, our 3 boys, the teenage cousin, and myself are at the table. Now she says, "what did you want to talk about?" I said, we are surrounded by the kids, now is not the time. So, she starts digging at me, so I told her I was going, I get up go pay the bill, and start unloading our boys things from my vehicle.

She gets me away from my vehicle, by offering me a drink that I like (she said see, I still care about you...because she gave me a freakin soda) anyways, so once I am away from my vehicle, she aggressively approached me and said "you are an addict", I told her that I wasn't so she raised her voice some more and said, you are addicted to your meds and you can't admit it. I backed away 2 steps and told her that I will be the first person to admit that I am addicted to my meds, but I am not an addict. I told her, "I do not abuse my medication, so I am not an addict". I asked her to lower her voice and calm down, as this was starting to get very uncomfortable and I was trying to control myself. She then goes to her standby, "I never said you abused your medication, you're putting words in my mouth".

(I understand that her brain just doesn't want to make the distinction that when you say someone is an addict, it means that they are abusing a drug)

So she just keeps raising her voice until there are people in the public area starting to gather and her cousin then gets out of his vehicle then she goes to, almost yelling, "I didn't realize I had married a disease, you are an addict and you can't admit it!" Her cousin gets out of his vehicle and acts like I am about to do something and makes me step back.

At this point I am in tears. I have controlled myself. I have not raised my voice or anything, but her calling me a disease due to my Narcolepsy cut me deeply. I then handed her a box and with a card attached to it. (now, not that this matters, but the next day is our 15 year wedding anniversary, to show my boys the real way to be to someone, I still had a gift and card for her. I told her in the card that what was in the box was a peace offering that I have forgiven her for what she has done to me because I wanted to be able to move on. In the box was a very important family heirloom of hers, that I have spent a great deal of time and energy locating.)

I turned around and walked away and sat down in the front seat of my car. When she had said everything, my boys were already in her vehicle, but with the tailgate open they heard it all. I was devastated and just sat there in my car waiting for her to leave. She got in her vehicle, pulled around the parking lot, to where she was in front of me, rolled down her window and waived laughing at me.  At this point people around the parking lot are still watching me in my vehicle. I hadn't done a thing wrong other than try to be nice, and make the transition easier for the boys.

So, I get back on the road for the 12+ hour drive back. I had just gotten there before breakfast. Her cousin lives in Chicago, so she had gotten there the day before.

I get on the interstate, there had been a truck with an issue, had the exit blocked off, so I couldn't make the exit I needed to. Then with toll roads and trying to jump across 4 lanes of speeding traffic to get to the correct merge lanes to access other highways, and missing them due to the traffic, I ended up in southwest downtown Chicago, 76 miles (one direction) out of my way, before I could get turned around and going the right direction. By this time I was in a daze, I had really allowed her to get to me.

My son texted me, and told me that mom told them that she "has a boyfriend, and he sleeps in bed with mommy" my son said, so you are "sleeping" with another guy, I'm not 5, mom. She said, "well if you want to put it that way". He told her "There isn't another way to put it".

So, now I am finding out that our boys who have seen their mother a total of 13 days in 2 years, will be having a man sleeping with mommy in the room next to them. He made me swear that I wouldn't say anything to mom about him telling me, because she would be mad and take it out on him.

So my wife now has verbally assaulted me, calling me a disease and an addict is living in an adulterous relationship in front of our children and has 0 remorse.

It has been a rough 5 days. I am really trying to move on, but it is SO VERY HARD. I still, even after 2 years, feel a moral obligation to her, as we are still married. I wouldn't let her in my home anymore, but I still feel some religious and moral obligation. My friend is a pastor, and he says you have all the grounds for divorce and have for a long time. But the papers haven't been signed. (Because she doesn't think she should have to pay child support, and she hasn't paid her lawyer - or so I have been told anyways)

I am trying to live today only for today.
Live tomorrow for tomorrow.
Hand my burdens to God.
Forgive those who have hurt me.

I talked to my lawyer and even though the state "Parenting Guidelines" dictate many "rules" regarding introducing kids to new relationships and things, he says there is nothing I can do, and the court won't say anything about it, as I already am the primary custodial guardian. She has nothing to lose, where I have everything to lose.

But I am just spent at this point. I have heard 1,000,000 times, that you are strong and you can handle this, you just have to be strong for your boys. Well, my well of strength has run out.  If you read all of this, just know I could have written another 10 pages of just this story, but I don't want to do that to you. Thanks for reading. Just thought I might feel better if I put it out there.

[udunnome81]

There are a couple different issues that occurred. This post is more of just trying to release it to others who may understand. I get no real understanding of what I have been through or are going through with anyone else...

So, the state I live in has determined that unless she beats them within an inch of their lives, or kills them that she should get every summer with our boys in the state she now lives in 1000+ miles away.

We met half-way, in Chicago, as ordered in our interim stipulation. I had texted her and asked if we could meet to discuss some of the recent issues with the boys. (big mistake) she said no and acted like she was scared of what I would do. (has been doing this a lot lately)

We should meet at the police station, but for the kids emotional sake, I suggested that we meet at a restaurant and I would buy breakfast. So my udxBPDw, brings her adult cousin with her, and a younger cousin.

Oh well, I bought breakfast for them too and didn't bat an eye at it. I figured this would make the transition smoother. Then the adult cousin starts trying to correct what my kids are doing. A 4 year old using a crayon just fine, and he is trying to tell him that he isn't doing it right taking it out of his hand. Again, oh well.

So breakfast is over and her cousin says he needs to get gas, so they leave, so my wife, our 3 boys, the teenage cousin, and myself are at the table. Now she says, "what did you want to talk about?" I said, we are surrounded by the kids, now is not the time. So, she starts digging at me, so I told her I was going, I get up go pay the bill, and start unloading our boys things from my vehicle.

She gets me away from my vehicle, by offering me a drink that I like (she said see, I still care about you...because she gave me a freakin soda) anyways, so once I am away from my vehicle, she aggressively approached me and said "you are an addict", I told her that I wasn't so she raised her voice some more and said, you are addicted to your meds and you can't admit it. I backed away 2 steps and told her that I will be the first person to admit that I am addicted to my meds, but I am not an addict. I told her, "I do not abuse my medication, so I am not an addict". I asked her to lower her voice and calm down, as this was starting to get very uncomfortable and I was trying to control myself. She then goes to her standby, "I never said you abused your medication, you're putting words in my mouth".

(I understand that her brain just doesn't want to make the distinction that when you say someone is an addict, it means that they are abusing a drug)

So she just keeps raising her voice until there are people in the public area starting to gather and her cousin then gets out of his vehicle then she goes to, almost yelling, "I didn't realize I had married a disease, you are an addict and you can't admit it!" Her cousin gets out of his vehicle and acts like I am about to do something and makes me step back.

At this point I am in tears. I have controlled myself. I have not raised my voice or anything, but her calling me a disease due to my Narcolepsy cut me deeply. I then handed her a box and with a card attached to it. (now, not that this matters, but the next day is our 15 year wedding anniversary, to show my boys the real way to be to someone, I still had a gift and card for her. I told her in the card that what was in the box was a peace offering that I have forgiven her for what she has done to me because I wanted to be able to move on. In the box was a very important family heirloom of hers, that I have spent a great deal of time and energy locating.)

I turned around and walked away and sat down in the front seat of my car. When she had said everything, my boys were already in her vehicle, but with the tailgate open they heard it all. I was devastated and just sat there in my car waiting for her to leave. She got in her vehicle, pulled around the parking lot, to where she was in front of me, rolled down her window and waived laughing at me.  At this point people around the parking lot are still watching me in my vehicle. I hadn't done a thing wrong other than try to be nice, and make the transition easier for the boys.

So, I get back on the road for the 12+ hour drive back. I had just gotten there before breakfast. Her cousin lives in Chicago, so she had gotten there the day before.

I get on the interstate, there had been a truck with an issue, had the exit blocked off, so I couldn't make the exit I needed to. Then with toll roads and trying to jump across 4 lanes of speeding traffic to get to the correct merge lanes to access other highways, and missing them due to the traffic, I ended up in southwest downtown Chicago, 76 miles (one direction) out of my way, before I could get turned around and going the right direction. By this time I was in a daze, I had really allowed her to get to me.

My son texted me, and told me that mom told them that she "has a boyfriend, and he sleeps in bed with mommy" my son said, so you are "sleeping" with another guy, I'm not 5, mom. She said, "well if you want to put it that way". He told her "There isn't another way to put it".

So, now I am finding out that our boys who have seen their mother a total of 13 days in 2 years, will be having a man sleeping with mommy in the room next to them. He made me swear that I wouldn't say anything to mom about him telling me, because she would be mad and take it out on him.

So my wife now has verbally assaulted me, calling me a disease and an addict is living in an adulterous relationship in front of our children and has 0 remorse.

It has been a rough 5 days. I am really trying to move on, but it is SO VERY HARD. I still, even after 2 years, feel a moral obligation to her, as we are still married. I wouldn't let her in my home anymore, but I still feel some religious and moral obligation. My friend is a pastor, and he says you have all the grounds for divorce and have for a long time. But the papers haven't been signed. (Because she doesn't think she should have to pay child support, and she hasn't paid her lawyer - or so I have been told anyways)

I am trying to live today only for today.
Live tomorrow for tomorrow.
Hand my burdens to God.
Forgive those who have hurt me.

I talked to my lawyer and even though the state "Parenting Guidelines" dictate many "rules" regarding introducing kids to new relationships and things, he says there is nothing I can do, and the court won't say anything about it, as I already am the primary custodial guardian. She has nothing to lose, where I have everything to lose.

But I am just spent at this point. I have heard 1,000,000 times, that you are strong and you can handle this, you just have to be strong for your boys. Well, my well of strength has run out.  If you read all of this, just know I could have written another 10 pages of just this story, but I don't want to do that to you. Thanks for reading. Just thought I might feel better if I put it out there.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I read your whole post. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles 
You might get some good advice over on our Legal board, too.

How are you today?

[udunnome81]

Today, I'm doing better. I had to go through some radical acceptance of the things I can't change or control.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I'm glad to hear it. It great that you come here to share when it's hard. I find that just writing things down here can help.

[udunnome81]

I'm glad to hear it. It great that you come here to share when it's hard. I find that just writing things down here can help.

I don't know why, but I can't help trying to compare myself. Like If she left me and I did this and this and this, and now she is with this guy that somehow I am not as good as he is. I know this isn't true, but it's hard to shake.

[udunnome81]

I don't know why, but I can't help trying to compare myself. Like If she left me and I did this and this and this, and now she is with this guy that somehow I am not as good as he is. I know this isn't true, but it's hard to shake.

Let me try it again with a little more honesty. I'm not doing well. Radical acceptance is a hard pill to swallow. I'm more lonely than I have been that I can remember. Friends have been great keyboard warriors for me, but won't ever show up in the real world.

I understand other people have lives, but no one has time for me in their life. Having to talk with me over a chat is a burden to my friends. So the only time I ever talk to anyone is if I reach out. No one ever reaches out to me.

Things are not good. But then again ,they have to be because I have kids, so I need to be strong, and everything is just supposed to be rosy, right?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

You're allowed to feel lonely, you're allowed to feel sad even though you have kids. Your feelings matter. You did well in coming back here and saying that the truth about how you feel is different than that you first said.

I often feel like I'm intruding on my friends. Intellectually I get that I'm not, but the feeling's still there. Do you have a therapist to talk to?

I don't know exactly what advice to give you right now, so I'll just say that I'm here, I see you.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Oh, and I also wanted to leave you these two links:
Emotional Memory Management (Ruminations) and Dealing with ruminations have some good insights into our thought process. Maybe you can find something helpful there.