Mother not responding – how do I proceed?

[Libra]

Hi,

My mother was not feeling well this weekend. Saturday, she sent me a mail concerning D9’s birthday present (birthday is in July!) and describing how ill she was feeling. The weekend was hectic and I didn’t respond to any mails, so I responded on Monday, confirming we knew what she had bought for D9’s birthday, asking her if she was feeling any better and adding a picture of our renovations to show her there is finally some progress. She did not reply, which is not normal.

Yesterday evening I finally checked what time we need to be at school next Saturday for the annual school show. I texted the hour to my mother as well, because she wanted to come watch her grandchildren in the show. Again, she did not reply, which is not normal.

I tried to call her this morning, and she didn’t answer the phone (I do not know whether she can see who’s calling on her landline though).

Either she is angry about something or other (replying too late to her mail, for example), in which case I should not respond. Or she is really ill and needs help.
I could check whether my brother has talked to her so I know she is okay  (he talks to her daily via skype), but that is starting up a triangle.
I could just wait it out, but what if she actually got worse and is really ill?
I could go visit her, but if she’s angry that will result in a rage or waifish silent treatment, and I’ve really had enough of that.

Some background info:
I had a feeling the past months that my mother was getting into a negative spiral. I am trying to stay out of it. She has gone on 2 holidays with lady friends of hers this past month. That seems to regulate her and gives her a positive push. I spent 2 hours with her last weekend, giving her a belated Mothers’ Day gift (she was travelling on Mothers’ Day), and helping her with some issues on her laptop. She was okay then, thanked me for the gift and texted me afterwards to thank me for helping out with the laptop issues. It was the first time since long that I actually spent so much time alone with her, and I did not leave with a negative feeling.

So, what do I do now? Any ideas would be welcome.

Libra.

[Notwendy]

Even if it is a triangle to communicate with your brother, if you are able to trust that he will tell you the truth, you might want to consider asking him.

My mother is elderly. She also lies a lot. Because we are concerned about her, we kids do have an agreement to ask each other if she is doing OK and to notify each other if there is a genuine concern.

She can call me and sound as if she is doing poorly, then call a sibling and act perfectly fine. I also cross check information she tells me to see if it is true, because she lies a lot and I can't tell.

When considering the "triangle"- I consider motivation. If I am calling because I am genuinely concerned, or need to know the truth, I don't see this as the kind of triangulation that is more dysfunctional. I don't call to get "someone on my side " against her. I do sometimes call to vent, but that's for moral support. It's normal to be concerned about a parent, but frustrating to be trying to communicate with a disordered parent.

Sometimes the same action can be dysfunctional or normal. First, I would be direct, as you have, but if your mother isn't responding ,and you are concerned, then calling your brother doesn't seem dysfunctional to me.

[Libra]

NotWendy,

I am sorry to hear how your mother tells different versions about how she is doing to you and your siblings. That must be so confusing.   
It is very good that you and your siblings have this agreement. Did that come about naturally? Were you all ‘on’ to your mothers’ behaviours at the same time?

As for me, I think I just got a taste of my own medicine 

I tried calling my mother again, and now she did reply. All was normal, she was feeling better and was out and about.
I am so used to her reacting almost instantaneously that she got me worried. 
So, I guess this is a good sign of less enmeshment. I’ll just have to get used to it.

I would appreciate any advice on what I could have done if she still hadn’t replied though. There will always be a next time….

Unfortunately, my brother and I do not communicate directly. I’ve tried several times in the past, but he always ends up telling my mother about it and then further communication goes through her. He is completely unaware of any dysfunction and is extremely loyal to my mother. He is also her golden child and can do nothing wrong.
The only times I used to call him directly in the past is to mediate afte one of my mothers’ rages. I do not want to do that any more, hence the reluctance to call him in this situation.

I think though, typing this out, I have found a possible solution: as my brother is that loyal, maybe I can simply rely on his checking on her daily and him getting in touch with me if something is amiss? If so, should I communicate this to him, or can I simply rely on things continuing in the same vain in the future?

Thank you for your reply, I hope you are doing well.



Libra.

[Harri]

I think though, typing this out, I have found a possible solution: as my brother is that loyal, maybe I can simply rely on his checking on her daily and him getting in touch with me if something is amiss? If so, should I communicate this to him, or can I simply rely on things continuing in the same vain in the future?

This is your call, you know him better.  I think asking him to let you know might be best though but that is based on if it were my mother and brother we were talking about.

As for me, I think I just got a taste of my own medicine

It's so hard when the 'kids' grow up isn't it? 

[Notwendy]

I think though, typing this out, I have found a possible solution: as my brother is that loyal, maybe I can simply rely on his checking on her daily and him getting in touch with me if something is amiss? If so, should I communicate this to him,


I have a brother who is also loyal to my mother, but is also aware of her disorder.

We each have a different relationship with her but align on this point: she is elderly and we are both concerned about her. We also know she doesn't always tell the truth. So we can agree on a couple of things: fact check what she tells us with each other- out of concern, not triangulation and also to notify each other if we hear news that we need to be concerned about.

Keep it to that: you and your brother are aligned on this: concern for your mother. If you can have a discussion with him that, even though you have different relationships with her, you are concerned and would appreciate him checking on her and letting you know if she is OK.

He may agree or not, or he may tell her, but so what? She knows you are concerned about her. It's up to them to decide how to respond but at least you have expressed your wishes, and he might agree.

[Libra]

Harri, 

It's so hard when the 'kids' grow up isn't it?

Yes, it is! I think this was a fine example of reverse enmeshment. 

I am struggling with a lot of doubt as well. Things have been 'steady' for more than a year. I sometimes have to re-read what I wrote here on the board, or on good old traditional paper, to remind myself that we've come a long way, my mother and I.  I used to think I was bad because of the messages and expectations and sporadic rages I got from my mother. Now I sometimes start to think I am being an ungrateful/selfish/bad daughter because I am LC, using 'grey rock' and keeping an emotional distance. Deep down I know this is the best solution, but I regulary need to remind myself of that, or my head gets FOGgy again.

I'll see if I can have a chat with my brother when he visits next month. It is not something I want to discuss via chat, that can be interpreted in too many ways.



Libra.

[Libra]

Hi Notwendy,

Keep it to that: you and your brother are aligned on this: concern for your mother. If you can have a discussion with him that, even though you have different relationships with her, you are concerned and would appreciate him checking on her and letting you know if she is OK

That is excellent advice. I will try to breach the subject when my brother visits next month.

Thank you!

Libra.

[Notwendy]

I hope this helps. I keep in mind that anything I say to people who are connected to my mother is likely to be said to her. I avoid triangulating with them- they are already likely to align with her due to her triangulation. It makes our relationship more superficial.

I'm cautious with my mother's family and friends, but I also know that they are concerned about her and so I can contact them about her if I need to.

Sad that BPD affects relationships like this, but unless we are completely NC with our mothers and everyone connected with her, we do have to relate to them on some level. For me it's: share only personal information that you don't mind being shared with your mother ( as it will) and to be cordial and not emotionally reactive.