Should I stay or should I go

[ndelush79]

I have been with a BPD romantic partner for 13 years. We have 3 children together. I love this man very very much but I feel like me not knowing how to deal with somebody that has BPD is only making our relationship worse and I am not sure if I am too late to save the relationship.

In the past 13 years, not knowing my partner has had BPD, I have cheated on him and have verbally and emotionally attacked him, that is all of this happened after he has done the same to me minus the cheating part. These events happened 5 years ago and we have been trying to re build our relationship since.

My BPD partner still has not been able to get over the past and most recently has put me through a distortion campaign. I am trying to deal with this and take FULL BLAME AND ACCOUNTABILITY for everything but he still states that he cannot trust me but still loves me and wants us to work out. I have been through a lot of therapy, however he is very resistant and has cancelled twice on even making the appointment.

My BPD partner keeps going back and forth with wanting it to work out and then stating he should move on, but then when I agree with him moving on he freaks out and asks "why aren't you fighting harder for me to not move on"

I know he still loves me but he doesn't know how to trust me again. Any advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Borderlined]

Im not being sarcastic. You know the answer to question.

[ndelush79]

I came to this chat room for some help. I am truly confused by this response and now I am back to not having any help. Thank you for NOTHING

[itsmeSnap]

Hey ndelush79

We have a bit of a "no run/leave messages please" policy on this particular board ("bettering"), so the answers you'll get may be ambiguous or "concealed" in some way to avoid the dreaded mod note

Fear not, we can help you process your question on your own time and if you do make a decision, it will be all yours, no pressure from anyone 

I have cheated on him and have verbally and emotionally attacked him

Here's an article on ending conflict/not making things worse

Its a short read and really useful, its about taking note of our own share of the dysfunctional patterns that a BPD relationship can develop into.

I know he still loves me but he doesn't know how to trust me again. Any advice?

What level of trust would you say you're looking for from him?

[ndelush79]

In the past I have not been totally up front with him due to I simply wanted to avoid conflict. As we know, pwBPD can go from 0-10 and when certain issues would arise, I was afraid of his "10" so I would either not be completely up front with him or not tell him the truth all together.

I am learning to be 100% up front with him, allow him to get to the "10" and use the tools I have learned from my many readings about BPD to deal with his 10. It has only been a couple months with me learning how to be completely up front with him so this is the trust I am referring to. He only wants me to be completely up front with him but doesn't think I can be, which is half true because I am simply afraid of when he gets to a 10. But, during the couple months when I have been up front with him and he gets to a 10, using my tools have totally worked great! I am just afraid I will go back to my old ways and it is very important for me to earn his trust. He has BPD really bad, do pwBPD every fully trust?