BPD mother and relationship with her daughter

[Breakingfree9]

How do I help my 15-year old daughter deal with her BPD mom?

Her BPD mom and I have been divorced for nearly 11 years. For me, "Breakingfree" from her was a turning point in my life. I was able to distance myself from the shaming, projection and inconsistent behavior. My relationship with friends and colleagues is better than it ever was. I'm out of credit card debt,  established a nice, humble, quiet home and retirement savings (which were hard to do previously.)

I've always known this day would come. The day when my daughter says, "I can't take it anymore. She makes me feel so bad about myself. I know I'm a good person, but she keeps telling me I'm not."

Tonight, the damn broke. My 15-year old daughter, and her friend, got in a car with another 15-year old to drive 2.5 miles to the smoothie store after practice. As you all know, protection and fear is a hallmark of the BPD. This action by my daughter set off her BPD mom. She texted her things like, "I'm beyond disappointed in you. Don't even try to defend yourself.
It's back to the shrink for you and  this time you're paying for it from your summer job.
I'm not interested in anything but how you're going to fix yourself."

My daughter is distraught. Unfortunately, there is only so much I can say because we have to try to co-parent.

[Turkish]

Did your daughter actually say that? What's the history of she being sent to therapy? I was sent when I was 13 and resented it. It was initially family therapy, but my mom abandoned me after one joint session, likely for me to get fixed in her mind. But I didn't have to pay for it,  what a cruel thing to say.

What are you afraid of saying to your daughter, and how did you validate her?

[Breakingfree9]

Yes. Before her mom picked her up, my daughter and I had a conversation in the family room. I let my daughter vent.

There was much more said. What I wrote was the overall theme -- that my daughter is having a hard time handling the shaming and projection.

I'm trying to find her a therapist she can see on short notice.

As far as me, I try to tell my daughter that I understand -- I probably understand better than anyone because, well, I heard similar things until I, you know, broke free. I make sure to tell her that sometimes when someone says something bad about you, it's more about them than it is about you. I'm trying to tread lightly and give her the strength to establish good boundaries and understand projection (without saying, your mom projecting).

[Turkish]

I get that you are treading lightly and are wary of alienation. My kids are 7 and 9 (their mom left when they were 2 and son just turned 4). My son gets certain things.  He's been more the target of her anger, and he's ASD1 to boot. I also walk the line. He has his views, at 9, and I have mine. 

How are you on validating?

I'm not so fond of the self help books, but I found this one to be petty good:  The Power of Validation (for parents) - Karyn D. Hall, PhD

[Breakingfree9]

I'm not sure how to answer the question.

Perhaps I'm doing it and don't even know it.

Can you give me an example of what has worked for you?

[Turkish]

You are likely already are validating and safe if she feels comfortable telling you such things.  My son is sharp, gifted, but I've been careful on what I've said.  He finally figured out that his mom cheated on me.  I said "yes" with no sordid details and wet moved on.  I know that he feels safer with me.  He's 9.I grew up with a mother with BPD and it got worse when I wieas a teenager.  BPD  parents are triggered by anxiety when kids develop their own personalities. 

I'd ask your daughter how she wants to feel. How does she see this going forward? She may not see it,  but adulthood is only 3 years away.

[Breakingfree9]

Thank you.
I think that may be one of the saving graces in this situation -- my daughter knows she's just 3 years away from adulthood. She gets excellent grades and I have a nice college savings. So, she will, hopefully, be able to go almost wherever she wants.

I know her mother is triggered by my daughter's pending independence. Pending independence, a stressful work situation (that my ex-wife created), not being able to manage her life and finances, then my daughter riding in a car with a peer -- it's all a lot for the BPD. I'm trying to find a way to say to my daughter "this too shall pass" while not saying "You know, sometimes you just have to weather the storm with your mom."

[Panda39]

Hi Breakingfree,

Here is a link from the Co-Parenting Board with tons of information that you might find helpful...

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.0

Be sure to check out Lesson 5 on "Raising Resilient Children".  You might consider posting over on the Co-Parenting Board regarding your daughter.

Panda39

[Breakingfree9]

Thank you. I haven't been here in a long time, so I wasn't sure on which board I should post.