My mom has BPD, I had to stop talking to her when I was 19, I’m 38 now.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

This is my first post. My mom has BPD she’s also very narcissistic. I had to stop talking to her when I was 19, I’m 38 now. My brother still talks to her and as much as I love my brother he can be very narcissistic as well and sometimes I think he only talks to her when he needs something. Which bothers me, sometimes I see her traits shining through him.

I stopped talking to my mom and have tried not to look back. She was extremely abusive to me growing up, physically and mentally. She never told me she loved me, only when she was around other people so she could put on a show. She has tried to make contact with me through my brother and I have told him I just can’t have her in my life. I know if I invited her back into my life there would be the angry outbursts, paranoid behavior, manipulative behavior, lies, I just can’t do it.

So here’s the thing, I live  in a smaller town so there’s people that know me that also run into my mom. And old family friends that I run into that also know my mom. It’s so awkward I feel like people sense that my mom has issues, but they still love to ask me if I’m talking to my mom (cuz i think most have them have figured out I don’t want to talk to my mom). They’ll literally ask me if I’m taking to my mom again, or hows my mom. It’s like I feel like they want a reaction it makes me so angry. I try to keep my business private and I don’t want other people knowing my business. And then I feel guilty, like maybe I should talk to her, but I know that there’s a reason I had to stop. I have a friend that lost his dad recently and he didn’t talk to his dad for a long time and now he regrets it. But I just don’t know if I can invite her into my life. I’m sure you guys have experience the manipulation and lies. I mean my mom at one point was so jealous of me she accused me of sleeping with my father. She called the cops on me when i was 19 for taking my car out (it was in her name to save money on insurance) so it looked like I had stolen HER car even though I was the one that saved money and paid for it. She called the police on me when I was laying in bed sick and said I was threading her life. Lied to family friends and made it seem like I was a horrible daughter. She’s lied and told the police my father beat her and had him arrested, they’ve been divorced going on 18 years now.  At one point when my grandma was sick she called and told me she had passed even though she hadn’t passed yet! So when I called my aunt my aunt told me I was sick and a liar. I could write a book.

I try not to let people walk all over me. I’ve been in an abusive relationship. It took me a long time to heal. It took me a long time to understand why I was drawn to the relationship that I was in and why I continued to stay. It felt safer than being with a psychotic parent. I know that sometimes my anxiety or fear of people not liking me or fear of disappointing people is because of what I grew up with. Why sometimes I feel guilty telling people no. Why I constantly overthink things.

So sometimes I still feel guilty that I don’t talk to my mom even though I know that I am so much more healthy mentally because I had to cut her out.

Well that was a novel. But I’m sure that some of you maybe struggle with guilt as well ❤️

[Smj80]

Hi,

This is my first post. My mom has BPD she’s also very narcissistic. I had to stop talking to her when I was 19, I’m 38 now. My brother still talks to her and as much as I love my brother he can be very narcissistic as well and sometimes I think he only talks to her when he needs something. Which bothers me, sometimes I see her traits shining through him.

I stopped talking to my mom and have tried not to look back. She was extremely abusive to me growing up, physically and mentally. She never told me she loved me, only when she was around other people so she could put on a show. She has tried to make contact with me through my brother and I have told him I just can’t have her in my life. I know if I invited her back into my life there would be the angry outbursts, paranoid behavior, manipulative behavior, lies, I just can’t do it.

So here’s the thing, I live  in a smaller town so there’s people that know me that also run into my mom. And old family friends that I run into that also know my mom. It’s so awkward I feel like people sense that my mom has issues, but they still love to ask me if I’m talking to my mom (cuz i think most have them have figured out I don’t want to talk to my mom). They’ll literally ask me if I’m taking to my mom again, or hows my mom. It’s like I feel like they want a reaction it makes me so angry. I try to keep my business private and I don’t want other people knowing my business. And then I feel guilty, like maybe I should talk to her, but I know that there’s a reason I had to stop. I have a friend that lost his dad recently and he didn’t talk to his dad for a long time and now he regrets it. But I just don’t know if I can invite her into my life. I’m sure you guys have experience the manipulation and lies. I mean my mom at one point was so jealous of me she accused me of sleeping with my father. She called the cops on me when i was 19 for taking my car out (it was in her name to save money on insurance) so it looked like I had stolen HER car even though I was the one that saved money and paid for it. She called the police on me when I was laying in bed sick and said I was threading her life. Lied to family friends and made it seem like I was a horrible daughter. She’s lied and told the police my father beat her and had him arrested, they’ve been divorced going on 18 years now.  At one point when my grandma was sick she called and told me she had passed even though she hadn’t passed yet! So when I called my aunt my aunt told me I was sick and a liar. I could write a book.

I try not to let people walk all over me. I’ve been in an abusive relationship. It took me a long time to heal. It took me a long time to understand why I was drawn to the relationship that I was in and why I continued to stay. It felt safer than being with a psychotic parent. I know that sometimes my anxiety or fear of people not liking me or fear of disappointing people is because of what I grew up with. Why sometimes I feel guilty telling people no. Why I constantly overthink things.

So sometimes I still feel guilty that I don’t talk to my mom even though I know that I am so much more healthy mentally because I had to cut her out.

Well that was a novel. But I’m sure that some of you maybe struggle with guilt as well ❤️

[Elizabeth22]

Hi  Smj80

Welcome to the board. Wow, reading your story, your mother sounds so much like mine. I am so sorry, I know the pain it brings.
I have been in therapy a lot. I was not nearly as affected by the abuse as therapists and psychiatrists expected me to be. They told me I had exceeded all expectations for recovery from such horrific abuse. It sounds like you have too.
One therapist said to me, and it always stuck, "You have no obligation to be around people who are abusive to you"
I seemed to not have learned that lesson yet, because I will have contact with her from time to time and it ends disastrously. My psychiatrists reminds me that I "have to remember who I am dealing with".
This  choice you have made is perfectly reasonable, IMO.  I dont think you owe anyone an explanation. At one time I did have people asking me about my mother, because she would talk to them about me and lie about me. At the time, I engaged in the conversations, feeling I had to defend myself. If I were to do it over, I would just say "I dont care to discuss that". Hindsight is everything.
You have to do what makes you feel ok, you do not owe an abuser anything. I know the guilt can feel bad at times, but you are protecting yourself, and its a position in which she placed you, and this is how you have chosen to deal with it, or feel you can deal with it, its not your fault she created this.

Much love,
E22 oxoxo