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Red5
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« Reply #30 on: June 05, 2019, 10:49:36 AM » |
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Good Morning AW,
I been thinking about you and this thread, so I got some advice… from the trenches.
As you know, my uBPDw and I have been separated now for six months, that's the length of an overseas deployment in the Marine Corps… six months.
We have started talking again, and I've been over to her new place (she bought a house)… and hauled, helped, moved, and a myriad of other things… we've also had lunch together a few times, we have started to trade texts as well… general stuff, how was you're doctors appointment, can I borrow your ladder, do you have a drill I can borrow?… all general above board stuff… "keeping it clean".
So I continue to read and educate myself constanly, and go to and see "T" every other week or so…
This is the BLUF… the "rub" here…
*She is who she is, she isn't going to have any epiphany's, or a mind to change, she is fifty-two now, the cast is set.
*I can learn all the tools, and dialectical modalities I can (and I want to)… but their effect is at best hit and miss… on her “bad days” she will still test me, devalue me, blame me, and project onto me… that's not ever going to change.
*My best tactic, best bet, best "tool set" is to "not take it personally"… default back to, "she is who she is", what did the Doctor Jordan Peterson say… "the best thing you can do for a pw/BPD, is to *set the example*"…
*We have a choice, stay or go, its as simple as that… so when we choose to stay, in the marriage relationship, that means we effectively "sign-on"… and we are going to have to accept our partners for whom they really are, no bravo sierra, no fantasy here, its a stark hot coffee in the morning type of thing here… we choose to stay, then we are going to have to do that "radical acceptance" thing…
*Continuing, so we stay… then we are going to have to develop, and implement some very effective survival modalities here (thick skin)… systems within systems (armor)… "tools"… eg' dialectic behaviors… to be instantly activated, at the moment of, in the "face of" what our pw/BPD is going to inflict upon us, either perceived, actual or not... "emotional" and as well "physical"… I will use the word abusive here.
*So, in my own case, my uBPDw is saying things like… "we can rent this house (she bought) out if we decide to continue our marriage at some point, after you (Red5) "works on yourself"… so I think I've learned a whole lot… by this point in time, about her, about me… some of this is not "pretty" either, in both of us.
*So, in the possible scenario that we reconcile, and we are all under one roof again, I am going to have to look inwardly, and NOT to her for my 'grounding'… again, she is who she is, we read volumes about the cluster "B" personalities… and we all know that wherever they are on the spectrum… is where they are… and that's who they are… BPD (et-all') is not like having the flu, our loved ones don't; "have BPD”, they ARE BPD… we are going to have to accept this, ie' 'radical acceptance'… no getting round that…
*We read over and over, what is the cure for BPD, well there isn't one… if, and only if the loved one is even able to come to the point of acceptance (long shot) that they need to seek help, healing etc, then we cue the dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)… and this does not cure them of BPD, it ONLY teaches them to better manage their behaviors, responses… and its these BPD behaviors (spectrum) that is the cause of our 'ire', and fraught marriages and romantic relationships .. and as well foo relationships…
*So in my humble opinion, we, the 'non'… if we choose to stay in the relationship, we got to come to the realization, that what we see, hear, feel, and experience is it… ie’ that's it, that's all its ever going to be… sure, the pw/BPD may rise above (hover) above their baseline a bit, actually be cordial, nice, and loving from time to time (cycle)… but they will eventually lose airspeed, and down again they will go… and then we are going to "get it" again .. they are going to hurt us, belittle us, devalue us… project onto us… and its right then, that we got to be strong… and pull down the visor of "radical acceptance"… and hold our breath until it’s over, and they come back to "base line"… in sustained hover for a while…
*All that said… and this is the important part, we need to be comfortable in our own skin, and NOT depend on the pw/BPD for any kind of support, either emotional, or otherwise, we have to develop our own inner self love, and support construct, system… and thusly be able to "weather" the never ending storms… que caretaker, caregiver role.
*I know it’s not ideal, not what we wanted when we signed onboard (matrimonial bliss)… but we have to accept this as what our path in this life is, should we choose to accept it (radical)… remember the choice, we can either stay, or leave… and also remember that we cannot ever change another person, we can only change ourselves.
*Self Esteem
*Self Love
*Self Care
*Self Respect
*Emotional Self-Security (impenetrable)
It's taken me decades to come to this awareness… in my humble opinion, if we are healthy and wealthy inside, then the other person outside (partner) won’t ever be able to hurt us again… even if we choose to stay with them (caretaker-giver), que marriage vows, and a side dish of "FOG" for good measure.
Basically… we have to "let it go"… “stop waiting on them too ____.”… and release our perceived need for them to validate us… and be able to find and identify with… our own inner happiness as required, as applicable, as needed (sustained)… and when the other good person (partner) "shows up" for a little while (unpredictable at best) then we can enjoy them when this occurs, and then when they disappear again (Hyde->Jekyl)… on “que”, we then once again close our emotional hatch, “and dog it shut tight”… and weather out the storm… and run off of our stored “batter power” for as long as necessary… so to speak, and metaphorically.
So me… if and when… if ever, my uBPDw comes to a point of wanting to “move back home”… to continue on in our marriage… this is what I’m going to have to do… I will support her, show her empathy, validation and fulfill her… sustain her emotionally as best I can… but I know… I can never depend on her to reciprocate… to sustain me in turn, but she WILL depend on me to sustain her, without question… she has said as much over the last several weeks as we have talked.
So to wrap this AW, Be strong unto yourself… Be self-sufficient in all respects, I think in both our stories, that this is what’s best…
Does any of this make sense to you?
Hope my wondering and endless ramblings help AW : )
Red5
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