triggered by son, feel awful TW neg self talk, abuse

[manda]

I haven't posted in a very long time, as I have been working independently, seeing my T, and going to school full time. I am pretty overwhelmed, and the stress has been building up. Today is the first day of my 12 day break before school all summer. My son is almost 8, and today wants to do arts and crafts together. I said as long as he is patient and I can drink coffee first. That didn't get to happen before he was getting frustrated with me when I couldn't understand his plan for using the cardboard boxes, and asking me every couple minutes if i was done yet. I had to make coffee, but did not get to drink any yet. I unintentionally raised my voice at him when he said "I thought you already drank coffee" after the 10th time I said, "I just want to relax and drink my coffee first." Then he melted down and I felt like garbage.

This is greatly triggering to me, and I KNOW that it is not his fault. I feel horrible that my c-ptsd gets in the way of his vision of summer fun days. I know he has a movie in his head of how things will go and I am not playing my part.

I also know that I am triggered due to my UBPD/NPD/ASD etc un-mom changing her expectations by the minute, expecting perfection of me, and screaming abuse at me when I did not read her mind and act accordingly. She would tell me I was worthless and no one would ever love me. My (UNPD) dad had really high expectations of me and they were consistent but impossible, and he was "disappointed in" me (read: I was not good enough) when I couldn't get all A's while being abused and practically raising my sister. Currently, this term at school has consisted of high stakes, inconsistency, poor guidelines, and ridiculous demands, with no responses when I asked my teachers for clarification.

I have worked so long and so hard on these issues, and often wish I could erase my triggers. I have resolved many, but my emotional abuse was extensive and I always have more. My son knows I love him, and I have explained my triggers to him and always tell him it is not his fault. I said that again today, and apologized for raising my voice. I just hate this whole situation, and wish I could be a happy, fun mom most of the time without my cptsd taking over my days.

Please respond with gentle kindness, as I cannot handle judgemental responses right now.

[Notwendy]

I can understand the struggle with parenting. One slip up does not make you a terrible parent. I think it is great that you apologized to your son, and explained that it wasn't his fault. This is probably very different from your interactions with your parents.

Parenting can be wonderful and it can be a challenge. I don't think any mom is at her best all the time. I know I wasn't. ( my kids are older now). We didn't have role models for dealing with some of the stresses. Our parents didn't handle that well.

Parenting isn't about meeting all the wishes a child has. It's about meeting their needs, some of their wishes, and then helping them deal with their feelings - sometimes they are disappointed if their wants aren't met, and helping them to learn to self soothe is important. So, he melted down- he's a kid. That's how he handles feeling upset.

I get wanting to make summer fun memorable. It's also unrealistic to think it will be fun all the time. I think it's important to make time for fun, but you need some "mom" time and your child needs some time to just entertain himself. If you don't have some "mom" time, you will be more stressed and tired.

So- restructure. Arts and crafts is at 10. Mom gets up, had her coffee, and has her time. Son can color, read, play on his own. 11 is arts and crafts and then you go to lunch. Then maybe some time resting, or playing outside. Kids can miss the routine of school and seeing their friends. Can you arrange a playmate to come over- or he goes to a friend's house to play. Are there any group activities for kids in your area he can do?

Forgive yourself. I need to wake up and get some coffee before I'm ready to be all in too. This is self care. Set the plans with your son and include some self care.