Want to make a BPD relationship work ?

[Mangmo]

I'm in a relationship with someone who has BPD and I really need some advice. I'm at a point in the relationship where I have completely lost sense of who I am and I'm constantly looking at my life on the edge. We've been together for 4 years now and we have 4 children (2 biological 2 step children that). The relationship had been extremely chaotic and has even gotten physical at times. I hate who I am when I'm around hers and extremely about this relationship has torn me up inside. My whole life all o ever wanted was a family a love my boys so much. I don't want to separate them from there mother and I and don't want put them through the pain of divorce. But I'm at a point where the relationship has gotten to far out of hand. I've been arrested twice for domestic violence and have been dealing with courts for 2 years trying to fix this. Most of what I was accused of and charged with I didn't even do but this is starting to be used as a tatic to control me. I don't know what to do? Every inch of this relationship I know is wrong in my guys but theres so many factors that make me scared to walk away. When she loves me shes the sweetest person in the world but when she hates me she could care less if I was dead on the street or rottening I'm prison. I'm so scared and I don't Kno what to do I keep thinking that my future is going to be jail and im going to be looking back saying why didn't I leave I'm just scared. This is the first real relationship I have ever been in , my kids , fear of getting arrested , child support ,custody ,  another man raising my kids , being a failure. I know some of this might seem weird but this is how I feel im so confused and I feel like I'm risking my life everyday in this relationship. I'm in counseling now and just started marriage therapy it does help to finally have my feelings validated and to know that I'm not crazy ! But the scariest thing is everything points back to that simple answer this relationship needs to end. Everytime I think of ending it and walking away I get scared and I keep telling myself we can fix this. I've read about the don't therapy and how that can help but I've also read alot about people never fully being able to get rid of this behavior and it lives with them forever. I just dont know what to do. Even when I try to game plan and think of a way out something pulls me back in that says I can do it. Please help has anyone been through this with some with BPD? Where you able to get to a better place I'm your relationship ? Where there children involved ? Did you make it out ? What is your like now? Was the process just as difficult as the relationship ? Any other outlets to get help ? Please get back to me I need help I'm losing all sense of sanity. I keep having thought of just giving up I don't want to do this anymore. My kids , my life this pain I can't handle it anymore it's too much.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Only Human]

Hello and welcome, Mangmo

Most of us come here not knowing what to do, and I'm glad you've reached out for support here. You'll find many others who have felt what you are feeling - scared, wondering about our futures. I want you to know that you are safe here to share your feelings, we get it.

I am here, at  bpdfamily, to learn ways to improve my relationship with my adult daughter, so I have a slightly different perspective than you. What's the same is that we are all wanting answers and guidance as we navigate these emotionally intense relationships. My heart goes out to you, Mangmo, you have dealt with so much and it's clear you love your partner very much, and you want what's best for your children

I don't know the answers to your questions but I do know that you are in the right place, that others will be along with insight, guidance, and a warm welcome.

It's great you're in counseling, many of us have really benefitted from having a therapist, someone who can, as you say, confirm that we are not crazy (it really feels that way sometimes, doesn't it?)

Things can get better.

~ OH

[Mangmo]

Thank you

[Harri]

Hi.

I hate who I am when I'm around hers and extremely about this relationship has torn me up inside.

What is it that you hate about yourself when you are around her?

I've been arrested twice for domestic violence and have been dealing with courts for 2 years trying to fix this. Most of what I was accused of and charged with I didn't even do but this is starting to be used as a tatic to control me. I don't know what to do?

How long has it been since the last episode of physical violence?  I think addressing the violence would be the first step as if that can't be addressed in the relationship, nothing else is going to be fixable.

Can you tell us more about the specific charges?  Also, what kind of progress are you making in therapy?

Sorry for all the questions here4.    It helps to get to know your story though and how we can help you cope and change the way you interact with your wife.   You can only control you and doing so will make you healthier and help your kids.  Sometimes as you change, you wife can change as well.

[BlindEcho]

Our marriages sound very similar. I am currently being accused of emotionally abusing my BPD wife of 5 years. She wants me to go to anger management and domestic violence courses or she is threatening to divorce me. Over the last few weeks she has literally changed into a different person and I don’t even know who I’m talking to anymore.

I wish I could offer some advice. I have one child, he’s 4 and he is my entire world and the horrors of divorce are going to be painful for him and even with join custody I don’t know how I’ll even go on day to day not being able to see him every morning.

I’ve gotten desperate and just started agreeing to try and make my side of the relationship better. I’ve been being nice and trying to exchange her anger with kindness and it makes her even more angry. There doesn’t seem to be a way to win.  You know your wife better than anyone else, does she get angry when you’re nice to her? Is there a way to defuse her so she can calm down and think? The one thing I have learned is fighting fire with fire with a BPD is fruitless. You fight and fight forever. It never works.

I hope things get better for you.

[Mangmo]

Hello I do feel our situations are similar when you explain they way your agruments are I just put up a new post today asking for advice on the same topic. I'm sorry man I wish I had the answers all I can tell you is my hanging in there. It giving alot of hope when I know there are people who are just as optimistic as I am. It's a vicious cycle caught in on these relationships and to see any hope down the end of the line sometimes feels impossible. I think we put up with the abuse sometimes and let ourselves endure this pain for our children man. To tell you the truth I don't even know if that's why. All I know is every now and then there's good days and to take that away from my boys Im just not ready for it. I grew up with my parents being around and to tell you the truth it's just as devitstating. All I know is I'm trying. I know it's not healthy , I know the environment I'm putting myself is dangerous and I know that I am responsible for my own actions but at the end of the day it's just not as easy as walk away. You know my therapist said something really powerful for me that stuck in my this last week. She asked me if I was in love with my wife right in front of her. And I was so throw of guard by the question the best I could say back was I don't know ? What it is love ? How do i know if I really love her ? Which seems pretty fisabale to ask. This relationship has been such an emotional rollercoaster I don't know what I feel half the freaking time, not to mention BPD just making it worse. But anyway she say in a very simple voice, " Do you love you kids ? ". And I'm like yes of course. She said you would die for them correct ? Jump in front of a train for them if you had to ? That feeling that you get when you hold them or give them a hug. She said I can't tell if that's how you feel about your wife. Buts that closest I can get to describe what love should feel like. At this point in my life it almost feels like a fairy tale expecting that in my realtionship  but gratifying to know that there's hope somewhere out there. The one thing I've learned from being in this relationship is the importance of mental health and taking that seriously my I taught to believe these things where sort of taboo and not important. Honestly without being in my anger management class , personal therapist and all the knowledge I'm attained from places like this I would be in a very dark place. From the start of this relationship until today I almost lost every part of who I was as a person and it hasn't started to hit me until now. Hopefully part of my story and your experience can help you man I know what it's like and really do wish you the best. Just be smart and keep your expectations in line. Everyone keeps telling me that. I don't know if there has been any physical violence in your realtionship but I can say this. I tell myself everyday no matter how bad you want your sons to have there mom and dad together you are nothing to them if you go to prison and I remember those feelings even more when I think about when I got arrested and being in that jail cell. Hope this helps man , keep.in contact if possible who knows maybe we can help each other gets through this and share information throughout the process