Boundaries-daughter resists all boundaries

[Oliverlee69]

I read the information on setting boundaries- thanks for the recommendation.  I am wondering has anyone experienced an adult child who constantly breaks boundaries or ignores them ( basically pretends they don't exist)

thanks for any info

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

My adult son does not recognize boundaries and my husband does not enforce them so yeah. I so know how you feel. That is why I left home tonight. It was the only way I could feel safe.
 

[once removed]

hi Oliverlee69,

can you give us some examples of the boundaries youve tried to set and the ways which your adult child breaks them?

[Oliverlee69]

One boundary my daughter does not respect is not screaming at me.  Her baseline conversation is to scream and even if I say nothing or walk away she will just continue.
Another boundary is respect of my time.  If we have something that involves time management including family therapy she is always late.
Another example is physical violence which includes throwing things, breaking things, and recently laying hands on me.

[Swimmy55]

These are good boundaries. Here is a link on this forum that may provide some guidance:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries.
Can you think of consequences to these if she oversteps the boundary you put in place?

[once removed]

this is a common problem a lot of us run into. we are on the receiving end of bad treatment, so we "use boundaries", to adjust the circumstances, draw a line in the sand. and inevitably, the treatment continues. we can tell people all day long how we want them to treat us (and boundaries are important to communicate). there is, unfortunately, no guarantee that they will heed it.

if you think of boundaries in terms of a lifestyle that upholds your values, rather than a way to change someone elses behavior, the situation(s) will become clearer.

so what do you do?

for example, if you value your time, one response to your daughters lateness might be to start the family therapy without her. another might be to arrive a few minutes later, to compensate. there are others.

regarding the screaming example, you say her baseline conversation is to scream. do you mean that she screams all the time, or when things are tense?

[livednlearned]

Sometimes the limits have to get real.

The more something matters to us, the more real the limits get.

Your D is trying to figure out how serious the limits are and so far, they aren't serious enough for her to respect them. The consequences do not register as meaningful.

She's recognizing that she can do anything in your home and it is tolerated, even if it is not liked.

[FaithHopeLove]

My boundary is I physical and emotional safety in my home. That is why my son who rages and threatens suicide and even brought a gun into our home is no longer welcome here. We changed the locks and installed an alarm system. Sometimes it has to be that basic. No is a complete sentence.

[Swimmy55]

Laying hands on you... breaking things..unfortunately these could  escalate. Is it possible to work with the family therapist on consequences to these behaviors?  Please remember you are equally as important as your sick child and you have a right to safety and to not have your property broken. Sometimes the broken boundary has to have a consequence “with teeth “ in it.

[Lollypop]

Hi Oliver

It sounds like you’ve got it tough at the moment. Things can get better!

How old is your daughter and what’s going on with her at the moment?  Working?  In education?

LP

[Oliverlee69]

My daughter is 22 and a licensed cosmologist. She does not work and has not worked in almost a year.  She had a pretty good side business doing hair but became very unreliable always late or changing the time or day so she does not have many clients now.  She was suppose to start school at the beginning of this month but she deferred to start stating it was my fault because she had to find a full time job in order to be able to move out of my house.  This was just an excuse. I have no idea if she goes on interviews or just blows smoke to get people off her back. There are many days she shuts her phone off so I and other people cannot talk to her or so that she is not asked to do anything so I do not know how businesses get in touch with her.  She also spends a lot of time applying to positions she is not qualified for.  For example, she will apply for a job that clearly wants at Master's degree and then not look for work after she is rejected. 
My daughter's behavior manifested right after I told her she had to get a part-time job while she was in school to support her spending.  My daughter wants to do what she wants to do and she wants me to fund it. 
I am so exhausted from all of this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders