How did we get here? Adult son showing signs of BPD

[51223OO28]

I have an adult child who I suspect has BPD.  There is no diagnosis yet but my therapists who I am speaking to for my health is telling me it might be the case.  This is a conclusion drawn from the text conversations I have had with my child that have been shared with my couselor.

My wife and I are being blamed for everything in no uncertain terms.  The hurtful comments and accusations are a challenge.  

I am crushed mostly by the thought of my child being alone most of the week because
'I feel safe this way".  The contradiction is he wants a relationship, wants friends, wants a job he can enjoy, but cant mix with others because of his condition, whatever it really is.  He also wont take medication because he feels it means people are giving up on him if he takes medication.

My wife and I are trying to take control but its hard.  We don't see an end to this situation any time soon but live in hope.

We are hoping to enter into some family counseling but I am concerned my son will not honour his agreement to be part of the meeting.  This is just a feeling.

I feel I am drifting further and further away from my son and it is scary.  

Thanks for listening

51223OO28

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello 512
I am both happy to meet you and sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. If your child does have BPD the blame game is sadly pretty typical. If it is any consolation, they don't do it to be mean. They do it because it relieves their pain if only for the moment. The social anxiety and paranoia is sadly also common.

The good news is things can improve.  There is a real wealth of clinically reliable information on this site that will help you develop the skills you need to improve your relationship with your son. You can't change him but you can change yourself.

You took the first big step by posting here
 It is great you are in counseling. So am I and many others in the group. Is it helping you?

What else do you feel comfortable telling us about your son? Does he live with you? What other behaviors lead you and your therapist to suspect BPD?

Welcome to the group!
Faith

[livednlearned]

Hi 513,

What is your relationship like with your son?

How does he communicate with you?

The interpersonal skills for having a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD are not intuitive and must be learned -- I find they are also different than typical parenting skills.

Your son is in contact with you, that's a great sign! And even if he does not honor the counseling appointment, he showed at least a willingness. They may seem like small things ... they also signal he is trying even if his gestures are small and/or inconsistent.

How are you and your wife holding up?

[51223OO28]

Thanks to the people who replied to my first post,'How did we get here'.

Things haven't really improved with my son.  He lives alone and isn't really happy when i try and contact him.  I am worried we will get to a point where the only thing we will have to talk about is his illness.

I don't know how to break the ice with him.  He usually only talks by text which is so frustrating.

I don't know how to connect with him.  He doesn't want to speak to me but I am desperate to speak to him.  I am always worried he will be angry or i will make things worse if i talk to him because that's always how it seems to go between us.

I dont know how to progress with him. 

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