Need Support and Maybe Resource Ideas

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

This is my first post. I'm a new member to the group and have found my way here through internet searching and navigating. I wanted to share a bit about my story, mostly because I feel so alone and the behavior of my younger sister, suspected BPD, is interfering with my ability to cope successfully with life. I don't have family support surrounding her behavior, and I think I felt compelled to write this to reassure myself that there are others who are experiencing the same thing in the world, perhaps to ask for potential resource suggestions as well.

My younger sister has been emotionally difficult since she was very young. In and out of therapy since she was 4, she's received about every mental health diagnosis in the book. I believe BPD fits her overall symptoms the best, though she has many issues coexisting (low self-esteem, anxiety, depression) that compound the BPD. From a young age, she has found it impossible to make friends and has not made a close friend until this year (she is now in her mid-20's). She still blames me for her inability to make close friendships, citing frequently that when I was a young child (10 or 12 years old) I told her she wouldn't make any friends and it is due to this comment alone that she has struggled so much with close relationships. I do not remember making this comment, but it would not surprise me if I did, given how frequently her emotional outbursts left me feeling ostracized from my own family.

As a result of my sister's constant emotional ups and downs -- one day a teacher would inform my parents she was going to fail high school, the next she would tell my father she hated him and wished him dead, the next she would take the steering wheel as a passenger while I was driving her home from sports practice and attempt to swerve us into a ditch while smearing her lunch in my face (wish I were kidding on that one...) my parent's energies became consumed with trying to placate her and keep the energy in the home as stable as possible. They saw me as a golden child of sorts and completely disregarded my need for emotional support and intimacy. I did well in school and was fairly well-adjusted and my parents largely ignored me for the most chaotic years as they put so much attention and care into ensuring my sister kept on track.

In the midst of all of this, my mom became completely codependent on my sister, and my sister onto her. For a few years, my sister was unable to do any tasks (even simple ones) without calling my mother, who would promptly drop everything to swoop in and assist. As an example, when my sister lived an hour and a half from my parents, she would call my mom in the evening saying she was hungry. As a solution, instead of asking her to figure it out or order food, my mom would hop in a car for a three hour round trip ride to accompany my sister to the grocery store. I am sure my resentment is oozing from this post which is apt, as I never received even close to the same treatment. If I were to call and need help with something big, say moving, my mom would evade and dodge responsibility. If my sister were to call and need help with moving, my mom would pay for the moving truck, take 2 days off work, give her money to decorate, and throw her a housewarming party. I attribute this difference in treatment to the earlier years when I was seen as the sibling who didn't need help or assistance. My dad, who is still married to my mom, is resentful of the way my mom acts toward my sister and finds it inappropriate but has realized over time he is in a losing battle against codependency. His solution has been to shut down emotionally and disengage, choosing to never speak of his true feelings on the situation and to never speak to my sister unless she asks for him explicitly (which is rare) or in person at family events.

My sister's emotional outbursts impact me too, often very deeply. In the most recent example, my sister completely forgot my birthday. I was not surprised by this, though was bummed out as I had hoped for at least a text or acknowledgment from her. As a result of her forgetting my birthday, she sent me a bouquet of flowers. I appreciated the gesture and had plans to say thank you, so I reached out to my sister via text and phone call six separate times. None of my messages were acknowledged. When I checked in with my mom, I hear indirectly that my sister told my mom she was "incredibly pissed" at me for not acknowledging her gift, despite me attempting to reach out six times. I sent my sister a text that was firm, telling her I was done with her emotional outbursts and that she knows the truth of the situation. In response to this, she has completely blocked me and refuses to speak to me. I tried explaining the situation to my mom but, like all situations, she takes the side of my poor sister and leaves me struggling alone - with no support from family.

I cannot understate the emotional impact that these emotional outbursts of my sister have on me. I love her and care about her and wish our family dynamic were different, but as I'm sure you all know, this isn't just about the one or two specific incidents I referenced in this post. This is about years and years and years of feeling this way, feeling crazy, feeling like anything I do will cause a chain reaction where I am punished so harshly that it makes my brain spin. At this last episode, I found myself sobbing near uncontrollably and I had my first full-blown panic attack of my adult life. I include this to say - I know how I'm dealing with this is not healthy, but I don't know what else to do or how else to cope.

How am I supposed to deal with a family dynamic like this? I've considered estrangement, but I really don't want to go there. It seems the boundaries I set into place fall to the wayside and I've tried for so long to get my mom to see my point of view, but she sides with my sister so unconditionally it is impossible.

Thank you all for listening, it felt good to type this out if nothing else. I hope we all continue to look for peace.

[patience654]

Hi all,

This is my first post. I'm a new member to the group and have found my way here through internet searching and navigating. I wanted to share a bit about my story, mostly because I feel so alone and the behavior of my younger sister, suspected BPD, is interfering with my ability to cope successfully with life. I don't have family support surrounding her behavior, and I think I felt compelled to write this to reassure myself that there are others who are experiencing the same thing in the world, perhaps to ask for potential resource suggestions as well.

My younger sister has been emotionally difficult since she was very young. In and out of therapy since she was 4, she's received about every mental health diagnosis in the book. I believe BPD fits her overall symptoms the best, though she has many issues coexisting (low self-esteem, anxiety, depression) that compound the BPD. From a young age, she has found it impossible to make friends and has not made a close friend until this year (she is now in her mid-20's). She still blames me for her inability to make close friendships, citing frequently that when I was a young child (10 or 12 years old) I told her she wouldn't make any friends and it is due to this comment alone that she has struggled so much with close relationships. I do not remember making this comment, but it would not surprise me if I did, given how frequently her emotional outbursts left me feeling ostracized from my own family.

As a result of my sister's constant emotional ups and downs -- one day a teacher would inform my parents she was going to fail high school, the next she would tell my father she hated him and wished him dead, the next she would take the steering wheel as a passenger while I was driving her home from sports practice and attempt to swerve us into a ditch while smearing her lunch in my face (wish I were kidding on that one...) my parent's energies became consumed with trying to placate her and keep the energy in the home as stable as possible. They saw me as a golden child of sorts and completely disregarded my need for emotional support and intimacy. I did well in school and was fairly well-adjusted and my parents largely ignored me for the most chaotic years as they put so much attention and care into ensuring my sister kept on track.

In the midst of all of this, my mom became completely codependent on my sister, and my sister onto her. For a few years, my sister was unable to do any tasks (even simple ones) without calling my mother, who would promptly drop everything to swoop in and assist. As an example, when my sister lived an hour and a half from my parents, she would call my mom in the evening saying she was hungry. As a solution, instead of asking her to figure it out or order food, my mom would hop in a car for a three hour round trip ride to accompany my sister to the grocery store. I am sure my resentment is oozing from this post which is apt, as I never received even close to the same treatment. If I were to call and need help with something big, say moving, my mom would evade and dodge responsibility. If my sister were to call and need help with moving, my mom would pay for the moving truck, take 2 days off work, give her money to decorate, and throw her a housewarming party. I attribute this difference in treatment to the earlier years when I was seen as the sibling who didn't need help or assistance. My dad, who is still married to my mom, is resentful of the way my mom acts toward my sister and finds it inappropriate but has realized over time he is in a losing battle against codependency. His solution has been to shut down emotionally and disengage, choosing to never speak of his true feelings on the situation and to never speak to my sister unless she asks for him explicitly (which is rare) or in person at family events.

My sister's emotional outbursts impact me too, often very deeply. In the most recent example, my sister completely forgot my birthday. I was not surprised by this, though was bummed out as I had hoped for at least a text or acknowledgment from her. As a result of her forgetting my birthday, she sent me a bouquet of flowers. I appreciated the gesture and had plans to say thank you, so I reached out to my sister via text and phone call six separate times. None of my messages were acknowledged. When I checked in with my mom, I hear indirectly that my sister told my mom she was "incredibly pissed" at me for not acknowledging her gift, despite me attempting to reach out six times. I sent my sister a text that was firm, telling her I was done with her emotional outbursts and that she knows the truth of the situation. In response to this, she has completely blocked me and refuses to speak to me. I tried explaining the situation to my mom but, like all situations, she takes the side of my poor sister and leaves me struggling alone - with no support from family.

I cannot understate the emotional impact that these emotional outbursts of my sister have on me. I love her and care about her and wish our family dynamic were different, but as I'm sure you all know, this isn't just about the one or two specific incidents I referenced in this post. This is about years and years and years of feeling this way, feeling crazy, feeling like anything I do will cause a chain reaction where I am punished so harshly that it makes my brain spin. At this last episode, I found myself sobbing near uncontrollably and I had my first full-blown panic attack of my adult life. I include this to say - I know how I'm dealing with this is not healthy, but I don't know what else to do or how else to cope.

How am I supposed to deal with a family dynamic like this? I've considered estrangement, but I really don't want to go there. It seems the boundaries I set into place fall to the wayside and I've tried for so long to get my mom to see my point of view, but she sides with my sister so unconditionally it is impossible.

Thank you all for listening, it felt good to type this out if nothing else. I hope we all continue to look for peace.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome and thank you for sharing your story with us.  You are not alone in what you describe.  Many of us have experienced similar and many her are dealing with a sibling with suspected or even diagnosed BPD.  You are not alone and unsupported any more.  We get it.

How am I supposed to deal with a family dynamic like this? I've considered estrangement, but I really don't want to go there. It seems the boundaries I set into place fall to the wayside and I've tried for so long to get my mom to see my point of view, but she sides with my sister so unconditionally it is impossible.

Dealing with this sort  of dynamic is difficult and painful and, it is manageable to an extent.  You do not need to cut contact unless you want to.  We can help you with working on self-differentiation so that their words and actions do not harm you so deeply.  We can also help you with setting boundaries in a way that work for you if that is something you want to talk about.

I know how painful it is to try to get family to see and hear you especially after years of being put to the side.  It hurts.  The best solution I know to that is to stop trying to get them to hear you and recognize that due to their own issues they can't do that.  It still hurts, though.  I found that it hurt even more t keep banging my head against the same brick wall... and the pain was greatly relieved when I did stop.

I hope you continue to post and reach out.  Please read, and feel free to jump into other threads here.  We all support each other and help each other learn better ways of self care and interacting with our families.

Again,