40 year old undiagnosed daughter with bpd cut off visits with grandchildren

[Charly3]

I have know since my daughter was in her early 20’s that she was bpd but she was not receptive.  Over the years she has always blamed me for anything and everything wrong in her life.  No amount of assurance that she is loved has lasted for long.  She was adopted as a baby and went in search of her birth mother at 21.  That was a terrible disappointment..the woman clearly had her own issues.    Now 20 years later, married with a 10 and 15 year old, she has banned my husband and I from contacting her and seeing our grandkids, who we have been with at least once a week all of their lives.  The explanation is we don’t see things the same way and she needs time with her family.  She says she’s in therapy, but what kind of a therapist condones separating loving grandparents from their grandchildren?  I don’t know how she has explained our absence. This is killing me as it has now been 3 months and we still don’t know what prompted this action.  How do we live with this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Charly3 and welcome to the group. I am glad you found us. I can feel the pain in your post and I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be awful to be cut off from both your daughter and your beloved grandkids. If I ruled the world I would change that. Heck if I ruled the world there would be no BPD. But I don't so the only advice I can offer is radical acceptance and self care. Radical acceptance means totally accepting what is and not being in denial or wishing it was otherwise or as the Serenity Prayer they say at 12 step meetings puts it "the serenity to accept what I cannot change." It is not easy. That is why my second recommendation is self care. You can't control whether or not your daughter goes to therapy but you can choose therapy for yourself just like you made the wise choice to come here and get support. Really anything that makes you stronger whether exercise or meditation or hobbies or anything else is self care. No one knows where the road ahead may lead. You will probably see your grandchildren again one day. In the meantime focus on being your best you can be so you will have the strength to be the best person, mom, and grandmom you can be. Post here all you like. There are a number of other members here who have been cut off from grandchildren by children with BPD. I am sure they will be along soon with their own words of wisdom. You are not alone.
Hugs
Faith