One year post-separation

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi, Family...it has been a while and I thought I'd check in.

Today marks one year of separation from my uBPDxw.  That means I can finally put through the paperwork to finalize our divorce next week, though I'm still in relatively frequent contact with her due to co-parenting our S6 and D10.

It has been a tumultuous year with a lot of anxiety on my end.  I am very thankful that I insisted on putting a parent coordinator in place during our mediation.  There was very little chance I would have been able to successfully fight for more than 50-50 custody, so given that fact I chose to press for someone who could be a third-party tie breaker.  This has helped move us forward on several things that would have otherwise remained deadlocked with no action, or at best a source of ongoing conflict.

The PC helped put a family therapist in place...someone with whom he has a solid professional relationship so they are able to coordinate well with each other.  The family therapist has set up some communication restrictions that are allowing me some space to actually breathe and not be constantly triggered by uBPDxw.  uBPDxw will still overstep and even flat-out ignore the conditions sometimes (since they aren't want she wants), but at least I'm not the only one seeing it now.  And the family therapist is in a better position to call her out on it--carefully, so as not to provoke splitting--and help hold her accountable.

Between the PC and family therapist, their involvement is finally starting to bear fruit.  We even had a meeting a month ago (me, uBPDxw, the PC, and the family therapist), during which uBPDxw's behavior towards the kids was addressed.  The PC had invited my input on a topic that uBPDxw wanted his involvement in, which gave me the opportunity to lay out various concerns that I was working on with the family therapist and D10's T (uBPDxw mocking the kids, yelling and cursing at them, throwing things at her house, erratic and unsafe driving, etc).  This prompted him to speak in more depth with the family therapist and D10's T, and then he called the meeting.  He basically said--again, carefully so as not to provoke splitting--that he really couldn't weigh in on what uBPDxw wanted him to address until the "gateway issue" of her behavior was improved.

So we continue working in family therapy, primarily to help the kids to adjust, and to shield them as much as possible in the coming years from the impact of uBPDxw's mental health issues.  I can only hope that there is now some foundation for things to truly improve.  If it does, I have very little faith that it will be sustainable on uBPDxw's part, but at the very least my T has encouraged me to take whatever break I can emotionally for however long she may behave better.  And if it isn't sustained, there is the likelihood that the professionals themselves will submit to court that I should get more custody, which I do feel would be better for the kids.

On the detaching front, I still feel a bit in limbo.  I continue struggling to connect with my emotions.  My T has spent most sessions helping me manage the anxiety that has been constantly provoked through interacting with uBPDxw (on top of other life stressors).  We have touched on some deeper topics, but it feels like anytime there is a session that heads in that direction, the next several sessions are eaten up with something--or many things--uBPDxw has said or done that derail me. 

My T refers to grief and I still can't process it.   I have had some moments recently where I think I feel sad, but it's like a muscle cramp I can't work out.  My T says it's because I can't connect the feeling with the source in order to actually process it.  I just can't get there with acknowledging a loss because I feel like I should be happy to be out of the situation I was in.  And I think because I don't want to acknowledge that someone has hurt me in that way.  That also relates to why I still really struggle whenever my T refers to emotional abuse...I can recognize it intellectually, but I still can't quite go there emotionally.

Still, my T has had me talk through progress I have made a couple times...being a little more social, connecting a little with a couple new friends and actually sharing some of what's going on with me (even if it's not deep).  I still reflexively reject her praise there.  Any recognition of improvement just makes me feel worse about where I have been/where I am.  And I know life brings changes, but it just feels like my life is stuck here...continually dealing with uBPDxw's behaviors, parenting mostly on my own, not trusting anyone else enough ever again to truly get close to them, and slogging through work to pay the bills.

Anyway, I thought I'd check in and share where things are for me right now.   I hope someone finds it useful in some way.

mw

[mama-wolf]

Hi, Family...it has been a while and I thought I'd check in.

Today marks one year of separation from my uBPDxw.  That means I can finally put through the paperwork to finalize our divorce next week, though I'm still in relatively frequent contact with her due to co-parenting our S6 and D10.

It has been a tumultuous year with a lot of anxiety on my end.  I am very thankful that I insisted on putting a parent coordinator in place during our mediation.  There was very little chance I would have been able to successfully fight for more than 50-50 custody, so given that fact I chose to press for someone who could be a third-party tie breaker.  This has helped move us forward on several things that would have otherwise remained deadlocked with no action, or at best a source of ongoing conflict.

The PC helped put a family therapist in place...someone with whom he has a solid professional relationship so they are able to coordinate well with each other.  The family therapist has set up some communication restrictions that are allowing me some space to actually breathe and not be constantly triggered by uBPDxw.  uBPDxw will still overstep and even flat-out ignore the conditions sometimes (since they aren't want she wants), but at least I'm not the only one seeing it now.  And the family therapist is in a better position to call her out on it--carefully, so as not to provoke splitting--and help hold her accountable.

Between the PC and family therapist, their involvement is finally starting to bear fruit.  We even had a meeting a month ago (me, uBPDxw, the PC, and the family therapist), during which uBPDxw's behavior towards the kids was addressed.  The PC had invited my input on a topic that uBPDxw wanted his involvement in, which gave me the opportunity to lay out various concerns that I was working on with the family therapist and D10's T (uBPDxw mocking the kids, yelling and cursing at them, throwing things at her house, erratic and unsafe driving, etc).  This prompted him to speak in more depth with the family therapist and D10's T, and then he called the meeting.  He basically said--again, carefully so as not to provoke splitting--that he really couldn't weigh in on what uBPDxw wanted him to address until the "gateway issue" of her behavior was improved.

So we continue working in family therapy, primarily to help the kids to adjust, and to shield them as much as possible in the coming years from the impact of uBPDxw's mental health issues.  I can only hope that there is now some foundation for things to truly improve.  If it does, I have very little faith that it will be sustainable on uBPDxw's part, but at the very least my T has encouraged me to take whatever break I can emotionally for however long she may behave better.  And if it isn't sustained, there is the likelihood that the professionals themselves will submit to court that I should get more custody, which I do feel would be better for the kids.

On the detaching front, I still feel a bit in limbo.  I continue struggling to connect with my emotions.  My T has spent most sessions helping me manage the anxiety that has been constantly provoked through interacting with uBPDxw (on top of other life stressors).  We have touched on some deeper topics, but it feels like anytime there is a session that heads in that direction, the next several sessions are eaten up with something--or many things--uBPDxw has said or done that derail me. 

My T refers to grief and I still can't process it.   I have had some moments recently where I think I feel sad, but it's like a muscle cramp I can't work out.  My T says it's because I can't connect the feeling with the source in order to actually process it.  I just can't get there with acknowledging a loss because I feel like I should be happy to be out of the situation I was in.  And I think because I don't want to acknowledge that someone has hurt me in that way.  That also relates to why I still really struggle whenever my T refers to emotional abuse...I can recognize it intellectually, but I still can't quite go there emotionally.

Still, my T has had me talk through progress I have made a couple times...being a little more social, connecting a little with a couple new friends and actually sharing some of what's going on with me (even if it's not deep).  I still reflexively reject her praise there.  Any recognition of improvement just makes me feel worse about where I have been/where I am.  And I know life brings changes, but it just feels like my life is stuck here...continually dealing with uBPDxw's behaviors, parenting mostly on my own, not trusting anyone else enough ever again to truly get close to them, and slogging through work to pay the bills.

Anyway, I thought I'd check in and share where things are for me right now.   I hope someone finds it useful in some way.

mw

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi mama-wolf, thank you for sharing.

It's sounds like a lot is in place for you and your kids, and your are working hard towards a better place. That's awesome.

I recognise what you're saying about grief and what your therapist calls emotional abuse. I'm a bit in the same place. I find it hard to let go of what was, there's this feeling of tremendous loss. Even though my ex was emotionally and a few times physically abusive. The heart wants what it wants as the saying goes, but we must keep our eyes on the horizon and think of how life can be so much better.

[zachira]

Hello mama-wolf,
Good to hear from you. I admire how you are doing everything to help your children in the difficult situation they have with their BPD mom. You have great patience, maturity, and are an example to others who are in the beginning stages of doing what is necessary in the long road of putting their children's needs first when there is a parent with BPD in their lives. Do keep us posted, as we need the positive messages to inspire and help other parents. I realize there is still a long road ahead for you. Hopefully, you will get full custody at some point. I was raised by a mother with BPD and a father with narcissistic traits. My heart bleeds for children who have to deal with a dysfunctional parent that puts their emotional needs ahead of the children's. How is your oldest daughter doing? I remember she was objecting to having to spend time with her other mother. Do you have any tips on how to help children who have to spend time with a parent that is so invalidating and selfish? I also feel for you continuing to have to deal with an ex whom I am assuming you wish were not in your life any more, and the continual worry about how she is treating your children. Take care and keep us posted.

[Turkish]

Glad to see you back. 

From one wolf to another,  do you feel like you soldier on in order to do what you should be doing because that's just what you do? Whatever needs to be done... is.  Seems obvious to me... but it doesn't lend space to self-care.  What is that?

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi MamaW-

So good to see you!

I’m glad you’re getting the help you need in dealing with issues around your children and uBPDxw.  That’s a big one. 

But the thing that hits me is you, and what lies deep within you, it’s what was also in me... IS what is still in me.

I too, have an enormously hard time admitting / accepting that during most of my 19-year marriage I was emotionally abused.  And that marriage would probably still be intact had he not thrown me across the room one night in 2011.  His BPD traits were more subtle (NPD traits were ugly and obvious).

And that led me right into the current relationship.  At least this guy is more “honest” about who he is... The problems are in me.

MamaW - maybe stay here for awhile and work through some of the harder, deeper stuff in you?  You already know from spending time here it’s sometimes easier to see things in ourselves when someone else has their “aha” moment.

Love to you for all you are.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[mama-wolf]

Thank you all for the kind responses.  When I decided to pop in on the board this morning, I realized it had been two months since I last posted.  Looking back over that time, I think I have been avoiding the community, and I'm not exactly sure why.  I think in part because I feel so stuck where I am...even though my T continues to point out progress and growth.  I just feel like I repeat myself and don't have much to offer others.  I realize that's not the case...it's just where I'm stuck.

How is your oldest daughter doing? I remember she was objecting to having to spend time with her other mother. Do you have any tips on how to help children who have to spend time with a parent that is so invalidating and selfish?

zachira, D10 continues to hate going over to uBPDxw's house.  She has asked repeatedly how old she has to be before she can stop going.  The only tips I can offer to help children in that situation are to ensure they have access to a therapist themselves, offer as much validation and support and comfort as you can while they are with you (reminding them that it is just that one person), and carefully track and build your case for making a potential change.

From one wolf to another,  do you feel like you soldier on in order to do what you should be doing because that's just what you do? Whatever needs to be done... is.  Seems obvious to me... but it doesn't lend space to self-care.

Turkish, in answer to your question...yes.  It needs to be done, so I do it.  I follow through on my end of the parenting communications with uBPDxw because it's necessary to exchange basic information.  I have to earn a living to support myself and my kids, so I drag myself out of bed and start each day to make sure I keep my job.  I listen to my kids because they need me to, I give them whatever support they need, and try to make sure we have plans to do things they will enjoy.  I shouldn't isolate myself, so I make plans to be somewhat social while still feeling totally alone among my friends.  I should get some exercise and take care of my body, so I sign up for races and follow training plans (sort of) to make sure I can at least get through the race (otherwise, just going to the gym doesn't really happen).

MamaW - maybe stay here for awhile and work through some of the harder, deeper stuff in you?  You already know from spending time here it’s sometimes easier to see things in ourselves when someone else has their “aha” moment.

Gems, your reply was that last nudge I needed to actually post today.  I have plenty more to share from the past couple of months, maybe in a new thread.  Have to get my workday started, but I promise I'll be back.

mw

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi there MamaW-

Good to see you, as always.  I’m so uneasy right now... just this hurricane... the people on the islands in its direct path...
On the very positive side, uBPDbf changed his plans and is trying to fly in from out of the U.S. before the storm hits.  THAT is progress.  But I’m a bit nervous about being shuttered up with uBPDbf and NPDmom.  Okay, I said it.  Anonymously.

I hope you’re doing well.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes