How to accept an 'apology' after rage incident

[onthewater79]

Good morning friends. Two days ago, my pwBPD went into a full rage because, while be was sick in bed with full body pains that I can only imagine are caused in part by his unmedicated illness, I helped out a friend of ours who needed a key he had in his backpack. Touching his things have always been off limits, but the key doesn't belong to him and i was simply trying to help out someone whom we both care about.

When he found out the screaming, hitting walls, calling me names, threatening to kill my cat began. I returned the key and it.still didnt stop. Throughout, I said calmly that I will not be screamed at and that I would wall away if he didnt stop. He treats any such attempt at boundaries with contempt. The neihlghbors contemplates calling 911.

I did not speak to him for 24 hours. Then, in sort of passing, he said "i shouldn't have screamed at you like that." To which i replied, "no you should not have."

Since then he has attempted to do some small things for me. I am cordial and appreciative but I feel he wants me to react now as though we are passed this--hes apologized and that's that. When I dont engage he gets angry and turns it on me, as though I am.being unreasonable.

I simply dont feel I have the tools to start a conversation with him about the severity of what happened. These discussions are always masterly flipped so we talk abt what I've done wrong instead. Hoping for a little advice. Feeling traumatized. Thank you.

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[SunandMoon]

Hi otw79

It's horrible when our partner has a full on rage. It's damaging to the relationship and leaves us feeling shaken and traumatised.

It's a good thing that he is showing awareness and has apologised. Many pwBPD don't or won't.

While we can accept the apology, it doesn't give us any assurance that that our partner will make the efforts to control it in the future and this is what we want to address. The key to addressing it is to do it in a way that isn't blaming, doesn't overwhelm the pwBPD with shame so that they lash out but rather to make it a collaborative effort where you're both working together to control the behaviour.

Have a look at these workshops and see if they will help:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206736.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

[Harri]

Hi.   

SunandMoon gave some excellent communication links and I hope you find them helpful.

One thing to know is that when he is dysregulating, he is not going to respond well to you no matter what.  That is not the time to try to get him to hear you or to use reason or explain.  A boundary in this situation would be to say "let's talk about this later" or to simply say "I am going to walk away now" or some variation of that... and then walk away.  Your boundary is about you.  It is the action you take to protect yourself.  When he is dysregualted like that, he is not able to hear you, not properly.  Any conversation is better left to when things are calmer.

Has he ever threatened you with violence?  Has he ever hit your cat?  Yelling and screaming and hitting walls is bad enough.  I am just trying to get a better picture of your situation.   

[onthewater79]

I am so sorry to have missed your reply. In answer to your question, he threatened to kill me yesterday. It was in the midst of a rage rant so I don't know whether I am at risk or if this is just part of the normal stream of obscenities. Needless to say I am unsettled, however. I feel like I have a very undeveloped sense of knowing when I must get out of the situation and when I am not at risk.

[Still Here]

the first
he threatened to kill me yesterday. 

Is this first time he had made a threat like this?  Do you have a safety plan?

I'm so sorry

[Harri]

Hi.

I am so sorry to have missed your reply. In answer to your question, he threatened to kill me yesterday. It was in the midst of a rage rant so I don't know whether I am at risk or if this is just part of the normal stream of obscenities. Needless to say I am unsettled, however. I feel like I have a very undeveloped sense of knowing when I must get out of the situation and when I am not at risk.

I can relate to having a broken danger meter as I call it.  There is not much normal about threats to kill.   Are there weapons in the home?  Sorry, I am not trying to alarm you.  It is important we get a good idea of what is going on though.

There is an online assessment you can take called the MOSAIC here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172
Today, the enhanced MOSAIC method is used by the U.S. Supreme Court Police to assess threats to the Justices, by the U.S. Marshals Service for screening threats to judicial officials, by the U.S. Capitol Police for threats against Members of Congress, by police agencies protecting the governors of eleven states, by many large corporations, and by thirty top universities.

The benefit, one of them anyway, of taking this assessment is that you will get an idea of the level of threat you are in from an objective and reliable source.  When I took it it was a dose of reality that I needed when it came to understanding how much danger I was in back in the day.  I know  a lot of our members benefit from taking it.

Also, Still here asked you about a safety plan.  Having one in place is important so that you have things spelled out for you should you need to take action.  We have a safety plan available here for you:   https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

Between the two resources given here, could you take the MOSAIC first please?  That way you have an objective assessment of your situation.  After you take it, and you do not have to complete it all in one sitting, can you let us know what your score is?

[onthewater79]

Thank you for your response and for the helpful tools here. I have signed up for Mosaic and am just awaiting my password from the system--will fill out as soon as I can log in.

We do not have firearms in the house (as far as I know). There are knives like any kitchen, but any acts of aggression he is prone to has thus far been with fists (hitting walls, tables, etc.). I should mention he is much larger than me (6 foot 8) and his physical stature is intimidating to anyone who has seen him angry.

He has not laid a hand on me in the two years that I've known him, however. The situation is stable in recent days, clearly he felt guilty and apologized, has tried to be kind etc. But he is not stable in my opinion.

[Harri]

Hi and thanks for getting back so quickly!  I tend to fret a bit. 

6 foot 8?  wow.

He has not laid a hand on me in the two years that I've known him, however. The situation is stable in recent days, clearly he felt guilty and apologized, has tried to be kind etc. But he is not stable in my opinion.

It is good that he has not acted physically directly against you.  His threatening you and breaking things and hitting walls is still a concern.

Can you think of what sort of boundary you want to have around this sort of behavior?  What do you currently do when this happens?

 

[onthewater79]

Thank you so much for your concern, it means a lot to get support from someone who knows what this is like. No one sees what goes on behind closed doors here.

In answer to your question, when it happens I typically leave the room and retreat to another room. This can aggravate the situation as he does not like to be ignored. Accuses me of "walking away like I always do" etc.

Bottom line I just would like to have some peace and sanity.

[onthewater79]

PS I have submitted registration info to Mosaic w/ two diff emails, have not yet received a response in regular inbox or Spam. Hoping it will come through. Thanks for pointing me in the direction of this resource.

[Harri]

Hi.  I just replied in your thread on the conflicted board asking if you have checked your spam folder.  I am not sure why you are having this problem getting a password.

In answer to your question, when it happens I typically leave the room and retreat to another room. This can aggravate the situation as he does not like to be ignored. Accuses me of "walking away like I always do" etc.

When we fist start to implement boundaries, there can be some pushback.  Boundaries often do not go over very well and can lead to extinction bursts which you can read about here: BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

Always, always, keep safety first though.   You can say something like, "I am going to go for a walk and will be back in a half hour" for example.  Let him know you will be back and give him time to self-soothe.  Give yourself time and space as well.

Does that sound doable?

[onthewater79]

Thank you for the excellent advice. As for the Mosaic sign-up, I've tried on another email address this morning, hopefully their email will come through. 

[onthewater79]

Harri, I am so thankful for your help and assistance here. I am still trying to get access to Mosaic and do not know why my requests for a login aren't going through (I am not a luddite, if not perhaps up to par in Silicon Valley here). As soon as I can get my test done I will submit results.

Thank you dear for everything.

-A