Loneliness, Resentment, Oh My

[Blast000]

I have been with my wife for five years. In the first couple of months I noticed what I described as mood swings. Her opinion of me would suddenly shift, usually without cause of any kind. I would then spend a great deal of time trying to figure out what I did wrong.

This year she has been hospitalized twice. The last visit she was diagnosed with BPD. As I read through the material that they give me I realized how the relationship had been toxic and that I wasted a lot of time on no end arguments.

There's a lot to the story but one important part is that I am bipolar. Sometimes I am not in the mood for her moods. I try to be calm and rationale but it doesn't always work.

The other big part of the story is that our financial situation is in total ruins. I don't know how we are going to pay off our credit card bill, our house payment and other items. She overspends and if I confront her she gets very upset. It has been a massive strain and source of resentment.

I feel resentment about many things, many of which I probably shouldn't. She makes herself a priority. She spends some weekends with friends, she did drugs, she hung out at the bar, went out to eat excessively, etc. I honestly feel a bit jealous. I wish I could have fun. But I can't because we don't have the money for it.

When it comes to sex, it's very inconsistent. I never know where her moods will be, if she will be upset with me, when it comes time to initiate.  And sometimes I get tired of rejection. This too causes problems. I have to take care of my own needs. I feel ashamed.

More than anything I feel lonely. I am always being sucked into some sort of drama. Today I asked her to mow the lawn and she said, "Why should I have to do that?" and then stormed into the bedroom and locked me out. It's hard to say, but there will probably be a kind of argument about this which will eat up a good chunk of the day.

There's a lot more to the story. This is the first time I have even attempted to put it into words. I'm sorry if it's jumbled and unreadable.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Blast000, I want to extend a warm welcome here. I'm glad you decided to reach out and try to put everything into words. Don't worry if it comes out a little jumbled. We understand that there's a lot to take in and a lot to sort through.

As you start reading here and maybe post more, you'll see that lots of stories here with resonate with you and others will recognise their relationships in yours. You are not alone.
For now, I just want to say that we're here and we're listening. And we can support and help you with some things that will help you better manage potensial conflicts so that you don't have to spend so much time and energy on them. It's exhausting, I know.

I hope you share some more of your story when you feel ready!

Warmly
Scarlet