It's been over forever, but never ends

[Clock58]

My wife and I have been together (lived in the same house) for nearly 30 years.  She kicked me out of our bedroom six years ago, we haven't had sex in over four years, and if I express any dissatisfaction with this arrangement, she gets angry, says she's always known I never loved her, storms out and then, nothing.  I remain, she acts like there is nothing wrong, and I don't leave because I am afraid to, afraid I am too old, or just wouldn't even know how, to restart my life with someone who might actually like me. Ugh.

[ForeverDad]

A quick synopsis on my history... After a decade of marriage, I saw (minor) traumas in my ex's life driving her into BPD traits.  I thought having a child would make her happy to see a child discovering life.  Oops!  (I did not know that children don't fix major issues, but they do make later separation vastly more complicated.)  Well, once I became a father she then went down the path of classifying me as the sort of bad guy as her abuser stepfather.

The final months, even final year or so, were similar to what you experienced.  She moved out of our bedroom into our preschooler's bedroom.  Intimacy became much rarer.  So rare that I would mark in my checkbook's calendar when we did it, anywhere from two weeks to two months or more.  She would hint at intimacy in the morning but by the end of the day either she'd contrived to be mad at me or I'd be fed up with her antics.  The last time she actually said, immediately afterward, "Now you'll have to {go with me where I wanted}."  It had devolved from frequent lovemaking to rare sexx.

You'll have to decide what You want in your life.  It seems the status quo in recent years have been Her terms, not mutual.

[momtara]

Sorry you are in that situation. Starting over can be hard, but can bring untold gifts. There are many people out there who've left a difficult relationship late and looked for someone nice late in life. However, you have to weigh all of the pluses and minuses carefully. You don't want to have regrets 10 years down the road, either way. I'm sure you'll get more good advice here.

[MeandThee29]

I remain, she acts like there is nothing wrong, and I don't leave because I am afraid to, afraid I am too old, or just wouldn't even know how, to restart my life with someone who might actually like me. Ugh.

Long-termer here too. One thing at a time. You don't have to think about starting over at this point.

Mine wants a remarriage penalty in the settlement. My thought was "am I that crazy?" but my lawyer pointed out that it isn't even valid to put that in because of my age and the laws that apply in our particular situation.

Focus on yourself. Many therapists advise waiting at least a year after the divorce is final to even think about that. Right now I have plenty of friends and activities that keep me sane. Next weekend I'm going to a conference with friends. Lots of laughter to be had, I'm sure!

[ForeverDad]

Long-termer here too. One thing at a time. You don't have to think about starting over at this point...  Focus on yourself. Many therapists advise waiting at least a year after the divorce is final to even think about that.

Good point.  Another way to view it is that it took you years to become so wrapped up in this dysfunctional life that you'll definitely need time to heal, to recover from it.  Getting into another relationship would be called a rebound relationship.  You will certainly need time to Let Go, Move On and focus on yourself for a while.

[lotusblossom1]

hi forever and clock

this is almost my situation exactly. and the quote about starting over with someone who might actually like me? that's how i feel too. i have been nitpicked for years and years and that sh!t adds up.

and there are a lot of traumas in my wife's life too that she has roped me into. they will replay old scripts wether they apply directly or not. of course she won't see any of this.

i hope you can find some peace.

[momtara]

Consider that women get nitpicked too, and we're often very hesitant to get back out there -- so know that there are an awful lot of people who'd relate. It is never too late. If you do date again, take it slow and remember the other people may have been hurt too, and just get to know them first before pushing a relationship. There are thousands of people who are alone, the trick is to be patient about finding the right one.