Part 2: Trying to hold on.

[boogs152]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338397.0
Well my partner is well liked by many people. He has charisma that draws people in. But the problem is that he just hates socialising. He gets drained easily by stimulating environments. People call him but he rarely calls them back. He doesn’t keep in touch  even though many people go above and beyond to keep in touch with him. In all honesty I believe that my partner sees people as useful tools for getting his needs met at any given time and then when they meet his needs He discards then at will. It’s sad but I’m not even sure he’s aware that he does it.His family is fractured and fragile. They don’t know how to talk to each other or tolerate each other.

In regards to his financial situation he doesn’t work because he is on a disability support pension due to mental health issues. It’s a limited income for him but something at least.
I feel a certain sense of responsibility towards him that is true but wouldn’t a lot of people do the same given the circumstances?

I don’t know what else to say other than I’m having difficulty navigating what to do. I’m unhappy. He’s disconnected. I mean what are my choices other than to stay or go?

Thanks

[Cat Familiar]

"I mean what are my choices other than to stay or go?"

Well, you could get him into housing where you're not living together and that would take a huge amount of pressure off you. I know it's easy to say this, but there are roommate opportunities and if he has people who care about him, they might be willing to help.

So many of us here feel that we need to rescue our partners, but if we don't, we discover they have resources that we're not giving them credit for. Sometimes to truly help someone, you have to quit propping them up and let them stand on their own two feet.

[boogs152]

I understand what you’re saying. Thanks Cat. I will give your advice some more consideration for a few days.

[boogs152]

Hey everyone,


Just an update. We have decided to have a trial break of one month. He has gone to stay with a reliable friend during this time.For some reason I just feel angry at the moment. Mixed emotions.

[Cat Familiar]

Perhaps you are allowing yourself to really feel the emotions you've been suppressing for a long time.

I've had a similar experience when things were getting better with my husband and I was getting angrier. When I realized I was finally allowing myself to feel what I didn't have time or space to feel previously, it made sense.

[boogs152]

I suppose I’ve suppressed frustration many, many times before but now I’m just angry. It was my pwBPD that initiated the trial separation. Ironically that’s the real reason I’m mad.

It all started with a long period of difficult months where my partner had struggled so badly with mental health. I played a supportive role. I wasn’t trying to fix him. But time went by and I realised that I had become a carer. I actually felt like I had become a carer that he had sex with. He never took me on dates or considered my needs. I guess he didn’t have the capacity to engage with me that way. He was too unwell. I was always accommodating and agreeable. I have a natural empathetic nature and usually suppressed my own needs because he was just too unwell to really see the situation and what our relationship had become. This is an assumption on my behalf but he seemed incapable of “living” let alone “ loving”.
After eight or nine months of watching my partner battle constant turmoil and drama I was feeling exhausted. I’d stood by him after several admissions into psychiatric care this year. He spent a total of four months in treatment. In and out in and out. We got through that...
Next drama was the side effects of docs  making adjustments of meds... then the self medicating... his first ever case of infidelity... a recent period of binge drinking and many bouts of disassociation where he would be in his room alone for weeks at a time. He only would come out of his room if I was in the shower or at work.
 
As I read back over what I’ve just written It. May appear that  I’m playing the victim in all of this but in many ways I wasn’t trying to be that way. I was just hoping that despite the challenges, despite my frustration,  that it all would get better, that things would stabilise more. That this amazing person I loved would emerge more and more with time,love,hope and patience. I’ve mentioned in previous threads that I’ve posted that I don’t see us as a high conflict couple. I’m just in a relationship with a conflicted person.We rarely argue.

Then out of the blue a few days ago we had a small argument. I was annoyed at his lack of consideration in regards to food. He sometimes will eat us out of house and home. I’ll find empty cereal boxes in the cupboard. Empty juice bottles in the fridge. Many things gone that I don’t even get one mouthful of. It’s frustrating so I asked if he would be more courteous. Well after that he went to bed early and then the next day suggested that we take  a break. I can’t believe that after everything... I’ve tried so hard to be accommodating, understanding,compassionate and validating. I’ve given him so much space and consideration and that now after all that I assert a boundary that he needs a break? I agreed to it but...
Yeah I’m mad. I’m very mad.

Despite all of this having space has felt good. I feel a lot better for some time alone. He’s only been gone a few days.


What do I do now? How can I use this time to most effectively clear my head and put some things in place? He’s already texting me saying he misses misses me. I kind of enjoy the fact that he’s missing me but that’s my ego in a way. How can I be smart about this situation and stay level headed?


Btw...
Sorry for the rant.

[Cat Familiar]

Please rant away. It sounds like you haven’t had the opportunity to do that in a long time. Take this time to get really clear with what you want and need in a relationship. You are under no obligation to be a caregiver for someone who is not supportive of your needs.

You ask how you can be smart and levelheaded? How about telling us more about you? What are your hopes and dreams? Where do you see yourself in five years?

[boogs152]

Me? I’m an introverted loner really. I have a small circle of good friends but I rarely see them. They’re so busy with they’re children and their other commitments. I don’t have children by choice so I guess that we’re at different stages of life right now. I have made an effort to get out and meet new people but it’s not easy and people can be a bit superficial sometimes so developing new friendships can be challenging. I usually very happy with my own company. This works quite well for my pwBPD as he seems to disassociate from time to time which is frustrating and confusing. I just try to get on with my own thing and eventually he comes around.

Where do I see myself in five years time? That’s a good question. I’m not sure. I’ve always been a free spirit and travelled a lot as well as lived abroad. It’s so hard to work out what to do when you struggle to afford this specific passion at times. Traveling is expensive! I’d just love to have a job that I find satisfying and be more financially comfortable. My parents are pretty intelligent types so I’d like to make the best of myself. I recently started therapy and it’s a slow process. Especially since my life got so complicated when my guy came into my life. It’s such a heart ache trying to make sense of love and emotions in the middle of sh*t storm.

As if mentioned previously we’re on day 4 of a one month break. He’s already texting me asking me if I’m okay. He offers excuses and reasons for trying to see me. I’m torn when he does this. Part of me wants to ignore him and another part of me respondes accordingly with one word replies.His behaviour  frustrating as he suggested a trial break. I don’t know what to do about this. I’m feeling a bit better having the space. 


Any suggestions?

Big thanks

[Cat Familiar]

Enjoy the space and think about what has drawn you to this relationship. In what ways is it fulfilling? And in what ways isn’t it? Do you have a therapy appointment scheduled soon? It would be a good time to see your T.

[boogs152]

I’m seeing my therapist in a few days. So thankful for this. I’m curious as to why my partner would suggest a break but then suddenly start texting me that he misses/loves me? I suppose it’s the fear of abandonment but... I mean,when we were here living in our home together he would barely hold my hand let alone express his feelings for me. When we first got together the sex between us was so intimate warm and open but now he rushes things and wants me to dress quickly afterwards. He suffered sexual abuse as a child and I can only imagine that this is what’s going on in the background on a subconscious level. Despite this it all feels very unloving and detached. I feel unloved. He appears so disinterested in me in general. Don’t get me wrong, he does give me occasional hug here and there but that about it.
So why the turn around? Is he simply texting me during this break through fear of abandonment? Or is there real feelings there for him?
I don’t need my time wasted or be manipulated.

[formflier]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0

After reading the thread above, do you have any more ideas on "why" they are doing what they are doing?

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

Thanks FF. I’ve read the thread and I’d forgotten that I was aware of a lot of points made in the content of that information in the link. It’s all so exhausting and overwhelming. My relationship with my partner feels ultimately doomed. Sometimes I think it’s all too hard. I feel sad... really sad. I just want to cry. We give so much to our partners... I’ve tried so so hard... I’ve done a lot of research and tried my best. I’ve cared and compromised and tried to work through the puzzles. Overwhelmed.

Ithink he does push pull for all the reasons mentioned. I try to give him space because he says he wants to be in bed alone for weeks at a time... I patiently wait for the cycle to end... I try so hard. If he doesn’t want to go out anywhere for coffee or a meal then I patiently go alone. Eventually I just feel alone more and more and the bond gets broken because I feel like I’m alone in this relationship. The connection fades away.

[boogs152]

But what do I do with this information? How should I act? What do I say? what do I do?

[formflier]

But what do I do with this information? How should I act? What do I say? what do I do?

Now..that's a good question!

Here is what I "do". 

If my partner is giving me a "push"...then I "push" back, but only half as much.  So if I'm getting a 6 (1-10 scale)...I give a 3 back. 

"I hate you stay away..."

I say "some space would be good" 

(see how it's the same thing..just not as big)

Always try to stay between your partner at "neutral".

Why would that help?

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

Okay I understand. When my partner said he needed a break I agreed (reluctantly but I didn’t tell him that)So I guess I pushed back? Now that we’re on a break he wants to come back. We’re meant to be taking a month break. Should I stand strong on that agreement? He wants to come back early

[boogs152]

Staying neutral helps stabilise my partner?  but I’m not sure how agreeing to space would work. I’m feel better for this but he’s upset even though he initiated the idea of space

[formflier]

And neutral is where everyone can think and make better decisions. 

Clarity:  This is a "tactic" to help stabilize things.  During your space you really need to think about your strategy.  Said another way...where do YOU want go with your life and the relationship.

Let us know and we can give some pointers on what you might be able to do in order to move forward with what you want.

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

Thanks FF,

Firstly I DO want us to remain together but in order for me to protect myself I need more space and I need us to see a couples Counsellor. But in order to get more space it may mean that he has to move out. That may mean that he could end up living in his car. I don’t want that to happen because I care about him.

Is there another way that I could get space within our relationship without asking him to move out? If he stays living with me and agrees to see a Counsellor with me then there will probably be a waiting period. What do I do in the meantime?
I can only assume that he is doing his best and that a lot of his mood disorder is out of his control. How do I get space without asking him to move out?


Big thanks

[boogs152]

Okay so he’s moved back in. Told me some story about his friend no longer having the means of letting him stay at his place anymore. I’m not sure what that’s about or if it’s even true.
I think he was just desperate to get back to some normalcy at our place again.

I feel a lot better for the one week break despite his Early return. Something interesting has occurred inside me mind since he came back. I’m noticing my thought patterns shifting back to old habitual thinking. “Is he in a bad mood?” “Am I behaving in a manner that keeps him feeling secure?” “He looks like he could be in a bad mood”. “ I feel insecure”. “He’s back in his room again”

I wasn’t thinking those types of thoughts when I was in our home alone. 

He’s agreed to see a couples counsellor with me. I think it will really help us gain a greater understanding of each other’s needs,also to develop better communication skills. I’ve found a experienced couples counsellor that specialises in trauma.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s good that you are being mindful of those thoughts that tend to be codependent.

I’m glad you’ve found a counselor and that he’s willing to attend with you.

[formflier]

How do I get space without asking him to move out?

Well...that depends.

Much of this relationship seems to be about him.  The only way to know if your needs/wants will get met is to ask for them to be met.  The listen and watch carefully.

Here is the thing.  My guess is when he is in a good mood, you don't want that much space...right?

And when he is in a "bad" mood...you don't like to be around him.

Do I have that right? 

Let's assume I have this right.  What can you ask of him that would care for your needs while he has his bad mood?

Best

FF

[boogs152]

You made some good points FF. I have an appointment with my therapist today. I’ll bring this up with her and let you know what transpires in our discussion.

Thanks for taking the time to interact with me.

Talk soon

[boogs152]

Cat Familiar I never knew those types of thoughts to be co dependant! I’m so glad you brought that to my awareness. This thread has been so helpful. Will discuss this with my therapist today.

Big thanks ❤️