Another thing... he tells me that he is feeling suicidal quite regularly. I’ve become quite numb to his suicidal ideation. He does not self harm or make threats. He said it again yesterday and I felt nothing. All I could do was look at him without a response.The moment passed without further discussion.Is that normal?
I would not say it is normal but I do think it is fairly common. Giving voice to his feelings can act like a pressure release regardless of the response he may get from others at the time.
The best way I know of to deal with these episodes it to say something along the lines of: "I care about you and I know this is tough. I am not trained or equipped to help you deal with these feelings so I need to ask you if you want me to call an ambulance or take you to the ER".
Saying "I'll call the ambulance" is gentler than saying I'll call 911 though the result is the same. Lots of people have visions of 911 entailing lots of flashing red light, fire trucks, police, etc and that can be a huge deterrent (even though all of that usually does happen).
Can you read through our SI protocol on how to respond to people who are suicidal?
https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htmScroll down to the part that says: If you are helping someone with suicidal thoughts:
1.
Take it seriously.
Myth: “The people who talk about it don't do it.” Studies have found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention.
Myth: “Anyone who tries to kill himself has got to be crazy.” Perhaps 10% of all suicidal people are psychotic or have delusional beliefs about reality. Most suicidal people suffer from the recognized mental illness of depression; but many depressed people adequately manage their daily affairs. The absence of “craziness” does not mean the absence of suicide risk.
“Those problems weren't enough to commit suicide over,” is often said by people who knew a completed suicide. You cannot assume that because you feel something is not worth being suicidal about, that the person you are with feels the same way. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly it's hurting the person who has it.
2.
Remember: suicidal behavior is a cry for help.
Myth: “If a someone is going to kill himself, nothing can stop him.” The fact that a person is still alive is sufficient proof that part of him wants to remain alive. The suicidal person is ambivalent - part of him wants to live and part of him wants not so much death as he wants the pain to end. It is the part that wants to live that tells another “I feel suicidal.” If a suicidal person turns to you it is likely that he believes that you are more caring, more informed about coping with misfortune, and more willing to protect his confidentiality. No matter how negative the manner and content of his talk, he is doing a positive thing and has a positive view of you.
3.
Be willing to give and get help sooner rather than later.
Suicide prevention is not a last minute activity. All textbooks on depression say it should be reached as soon as possible. Unfortunately, suicidal people are afraid that trying to get help may bring them more pain: being told they are stupid, foolish, sinful, or manipulative; rejection; punishment; suspension from school or job; written records of their condition; or involuntary commitment. You need to do everything you can to reduce pain, rather than increase or prolong it. Constructively involving yourself on the side of life as early as possible will reduce the risk of suicide.
4.
Listen.
Give the person every opportunity to unburden his troubles and ventilate his feelings. You don't need to say much and there are no magic words. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it. Give him relief from being alone with his pain; let him know you are glad he turned to you. Patience, sympathy, acceptance. Avoid arguments and advice giving.
5.
ASK: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”
Myth: “Talking about it may give someone the idea.” People already have the idea; suicide is constantly in the news media. If you ask a despairing person this question you are doing a good thing for them: you are showing him that you care about him, that you take him seriously, and that you are willing to let him share his pain with you. You are giving him further opportunity to discharge pent up and painful feelings. If the person is having thoughts of suicide, find out how far along his ideation has progressed.
6.
If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave him alone.
If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave them alone - drive the person to the nearest emergency department or other service facility. They may be hesitant - that is normal. The local suicide hotlines can advise you of the best facility.
If the situation is life threatening, or the person refuses to go for care, or you are unable to transport them, call 911.
Please do not use emergency medical services to teach anyone a lesson.
.
If the means to commit suicide are present, try to get rid of them.
7.
Urge professional help.
If someone is acting suicidal or talking of suicide, it is vitally important to get them into professional care at the first signs. Like many disorders, early detection and treatment yields better outcomes. Persistence and patience may be needed to seek, engage and continue with as many options as possible. In any referral situation, let the person know you care and want to maintain contact.
8.
From crisis to recovery.
Most people have suicidal thoughts or feelings at some point in their lives; yet less than 2% of all deaths are suicides. Nearly all suicidal people suffer from conditions that will pass with time or with the assistance of a recovery program. There are hundreds of modest steps we can take to improve our response to the suicidal and to make it easier for them to seek help. Taking these modest steps can save many lives and reduce a great deal of human suffering.
