Struggling with shame

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi guys.

For those of you who don't know, my sister (age 63, raised me when I was little) has some PD traits. She also has legal guardianship of my kids. Recently she decided to let me have overnight visits with them (since July 4). She uses the visits as privileges to take away from the kids when they do stuff she doesn't want them to do (most recent infractions: not eating dinner and getting in the car to push the lock buttons and turn on the lights).

Ok. So my S7-almost-8 had some behavioral issues two years ago in kindergarten and the school sent him to an alternative school (bad experience). Last year he was home schooled, and has recently entered back into public school for second grade. His behavior problems are slowly resurfacing. Yesterday he went to a child psychologist and next week he will be tested for a few things (ADHD and ODD among them). The session yesterday was mainly my sister talking to the P.

My sister now says the P said she needs to be careful about letting me see the kids because we never addressed the supervised visitation in court that CPS put on me five years ago. My sister was under the impression that since the case was closed and she had guardianship that now she can decide who sees the kids, and when, and where. I expressed concerns about this potentially coming back on us when she told me that I could start having the kids unsupervised, but she said "what are they going to do? come take them away from me?" Fine. I decided to take the visits if she would give them, and plan to see a family lawyer as soon as is financially possible to get it cleared in court (mainly to stop her from holding back visits as a punishment to my kids).

Now she wants to check her legal guardianship papers to see if there is actually wording in there that would give her the authority to let me see the kids unsupervised. The P told her she needs to be careful about anything that hasn't gone through the courts (same thing I said) and now she is catastrophizing: "What if your ex gets on drugs and finds out where you live and shows up? What if the police get called and CPS gets called and they have to go back into foster care? You're not divorced yet. What if they say that it looks like you might get back with him because you aren't divorced. You left and went back before. I know you aren't contacting him, but to the court it might look like you're leaving the door open..etc, etc."

All that to say this: this whole conversation is bringing up my sense of shame. I can imagine her telling that P all about my past drug issues and that the kids got taken from me because I wouldn't leave an abusive relationship, and that I didn't protect them, yada, yada.

I doubt seriously that the P will know (unless I can somehow talk to her) that my kids experience emotional neglect and are shamed and guilted when they don't meet expectations. If my S7 displays anger issues, I can bet that his home environment plays a part. I should know, I've been that kid before.

Now, here come all the thoughts that I'm not good enough, I'm a failure as a mother, I am powerless to really help my kid, this P thinks I'm a neglectful parent who couldn't take care of her kid, the courts and the P and everyone else in the whole, wide, world think that I'm not doing enough because I haven't filed for divorce, I'm a failure, I'm never going to measure up, nothing I have been through or accomplished counts for anything because I'm not where I need to be and I don't know how long it will take for me to get there, and if I am not where I need to be yet then something is wrong with me.

I can identify several of the Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking in what I just wrote.

I know that there are ways to counteract the twisted thinking when it occurs, but dang, I'm tired, and I am getting sick of having to manage these thoughts.

Just needed to get it out, I guess. Thanks for reading.

[I Am Redeemed]

Another thing bothering me is that my S7 asked me why I wasn't able to take care of them. I told him we could talk about it later, because we were in the car and I wanted to be able to focus on him when we talk. I also wanted to buy some time to come up with an answer that is age-appropriate.

So far I haven't.

[Kwamina]

Hi I Am Redeemed

How are you feeling now?

I know that there are ways to counteract the twisted thinking when it occurs, but dang, I'm tired, and I am getting sick of having to manage these thoughts.

Then why don't we manage them together

What are the forms of twisted thinking that you are able to identify in your current thought patterns? Can you think of things you can say to help you replace these cognitive distortions with more rational or realistic thoughts?

Another thing bothering me is that my S7 asked me why I wasn't able to take care of them. I told him we could talk about it later, because we were in the car and I wanted to be able to focus on him when we talk. I also wanted to buy some time to come up with an answer that is age-appropriate.

So far I haven't.

Do you think your son was referring to the current situation or the years that have gone by?

The Board Parrot

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Kwamina,

He was referring to the years that have gone by. I'm pretty sure he overheard my sister telling the P that she got my kids because I couldn't take care of them. He was playing with the toys in the office on this first visit while my sister talked to the P; he will talk to her next week and be tested.

It's hard to explain to a seven-year-old that his father is mentally ill and I was stuck between the choices of leaving and trying to make it on my own (when CPS told me they would not give my kids back because they didn't think I could support all of them) or staying in a relationship and trying to get ubpdh the treatment he needed (I didn't know about BPD, and I thought that if the counselors just knew the truth about his symptoms and behavior, they would know what to do to "fix" him) so the kids could have a mom and a dad. I didn't realize the severity of the illness, nor did I realize that it would take more than the right meds and counseling.

Of course, all of this is presented as "she refused to leave her abuser and CPS wouldn't let her have her kids back because she wouldn't stay away from him."

I am still struggling with this. In the paragraph I wrote in my first post, I can identify All-or-nothing thinking, Overgeneralization, Mental Filter, Discounting the Positive, Emotional Reasoning, and Labeling. Six out of ten.

It all comes down to the fact that I feel like I'm not good enough, inherently, basically. I feel broken and I am realizing that I am angry. I tend to deny anger because I am afraid that being angry puts me in victim mode and I don't want that.

[I Am Redeemed]

Can you think of things you can say to help you replace these cognitive distortions with more rational or realistic thoughts?

1. I have made mistakes as a mother. So has every other mother, ever. Mistakes do not make me a failure.

2. I don't know what the P thinks. I am concluding that she is judging me based on my own feelings about myself. Even if she does judge me based on what someone else says, that does not make her judgments true.

3. I do not have to have everyone recognize the truth about the situation for it to remain the truth.

4. Where I am now can be reframed from being "not good enough" to being "a great accomplishment" when you factor in all the obstacles and challenges I faced to get here.

5. Where I am now is not where I will be in a year from now, or two years from now.

6. Other people's opinions of where I "should" be or what I "should" be doing do not have to influence my view of myself. Other people are not me.

7. Having C-PTSD does not mean I am broken. Experiencing recurrent symptoms of C-PTSD does not mean I am broken. I may face challenges that others do not, but I am meeting them head-on with a commitment to undo years of trauma damage and change unhealthy thought and behavior patterns that are over forty years in the making. That is no small feat and I can give myself grace and patience even if others do not (or if I perceive that they do not).

8. Everyone in the whole, wide world does not think I am a neglectful parent. Everyone that I know does not think that. That is unrealistic. Even if a few people do, so what. It doesn't make it true. It's a complicated situation that cannot be summed up properly with a simple, labeling statement.

9. Criticizing and berating myself only adds to the trauma damage. I would not treat someone else that way. I can choose to not treat myself that way.

10. "NOT today, Satan!"

[Harri]

Hi Redeemed.   

It all comes down to the fact that I feel like I'm not good enough, inherently, basically.

So here is some logic here:  feelings do not equal facts.  Logic is not much help with this though is it?  Can you identify the root or core of those feelings?   I don't mean based on recent or current events but from way back. 

I feel broken and I am realizing that I am angry. I tend to deny anger because I am afraid that being angry puts me in victim mode and I don't want that.

Anger is a very powerful and healing emotion when dealt with properly and appropriately.  It can be channeled into ways to further fuel your determination to get to a point where you can take care of your kids and where you have more control over your own life.  Anger becomes detrimental when it is allowed to fester unreleased and unprocessed.  It is also detrimental when it is avoided or seen as bad or less healthy than having any other emotions.  So many people here, myself included, see anger as being something to avoid.  I think a lot of us are scared of it.  To me the scariest part of anger and some of the angriest people I have ever met are the ones who deny they feel it and do nothing to process it.

So lets talk about your anger, either here or in another thread when you are ready.  Anger is no worse or better than any other emotion.  Like anything else, it is what you do with it that is important.   Burying it or denying it or shaming yourself for it gets you nowhere good or healthy.

Anger just is and it is often a very appropriate emotional response.

Excellent work on untwisting and talking yourself through your twisted thoughts! 

 

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Redeemed.   
 So here is some logic here:  feelings do not equal facts.  Logic is not much help with this though is it?  Can you identify the root or core of those feelings?   I don't mean based on recent or current events but from way back.

I never felt like I belonged in my family. My father and mother were in their forties when they had me. My sisters were in their twenties. They are only a year apart and were very close growing up; still are. I was the only kid in a house with three dysfunctional adults. My mom was disabled because of her suicide attempt. Neither of my parents actively parented me. My sister made it clear that she was taking care of me because my parents couldn't (same thing she tells my kids about me now). Dad provided physical needs (shelter, food, etc.) but he was in no way emotionally supportive. Mom was "not all there" since her stroke. I felt like an outsider because my family had a long, complicated history before I ever came along and it was loaded with baggage.

My dad was very critical and negative and I walked on eggshells trying not to set him off about something or other. My sister used silent treatment when she was mad at me. Remember, she was an adult when she was doing this. I was a child, and she was the closest thing to security that I had, so when she refused to talk to me while I followed her around crying and begging for her to acknowledge me, I felt like I was completely alone and that scared me to death.

I had many fears as a child. Being alone, being in the dark, loud noises, social situations.

There were many expectations placed on me to "be good". We went to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. Anything I did that was "not good" was "bad" and God didn't like it. I didn't know that God still loved me even when I messed up. People who did not go to church and try very hard to be as close to perfect as possible were "bad people". My sister constantly pointed out that my dad was one of those "bad people'' and he was going to hell, no doubt about it. I was very afraid for a long time to step outside of the lines of expectations because I was afraid of being labeled a "bad person" (and possibly going to hell).

Later on, other things added to my sense of shame. My family was not like everyone else's. I was embarrassed by it. I did not have the traditional, two-parent families like my friends and that made me feel different. When other kids talked about their moms or dads, I felt like an outsider. I felt excluded from "normal". I learned about my mom's suicide attempt when I was twelve, and that was the same year that my own depression hit me hard for the first time. I already thought that my dad didn't really love me. I thought mom couldn't help that she was disabled, and when I found out that she was that way because she actually tried to die, I did not understand why she would rather have died than stay alive and be my mom. My sister was always telling me stories about how mom was when she was growing up. They were "best friends". I didn't have that with mom, and then I found out why, and I thought that if she had loved me enough, it could have been her reason for living. Instead, she tried to kill herself. I also heard my whole life that I was an "accident" and I translated that to mean "unwanted".

I will get to the anger part in a bit.

[I Am Redeemed]

So, anger. In my house growing up, I only saw unhealthy displays of anger. Raging, cursing, name-calling, blaming, shaming, even silent anger- someone pretending you didn't exist because something you did made them mad.

There was always an undercurrent of anger and resentment in my house.

I equate anger with losing control, with abuse, and with other behaviors such as blame-shifting and self-pity. I don't know how to be angry without exploding (like dad) and I don't know how to reconcile anger and empathy at the same time. So empathy wins on the surface, and I say that I try to see things from all sides, but I think, really, there is a raging river of resentment running through me deep, deep, down, and it's rising.

I equate anger with bitterness and resentment, and I don't want to be bitter or resentful. I believe in the toxic power of holding on to bitterness and resentment, and I don't want to poison my soul with them.

[Harri]

Hi Redeemed.  thanks for sharing all of that.  It is a lot to deal with and I am so sorry that your parents and siblings were so neglectful and abusive to you.  You are and were worth so much more.  While their failures are not a reflection of who you were or are, they certainly influence the way you see yourself.

Can you see how none of what happened to you as a child was your shame to begin with?  That it belongs with your parents and your sister, not the small innocent and sweet child you were.   What can you say to little redeemed to help her?  Can you even picture her?  When you do, how old is she?

About the anger:  I think a lot of us here experienced anger in the same way you did and view being angry as something bad or less than and that it means we are out of control.

I equate anger with bitterness and resentment, and I don't want to be bitter or resentful. I believe in the toxic power of holding on to bitterness and resentment, and I don't want to poison my soul with them.

It sounds like you are basing your definition of anger and how it manifests based on how your family dealt with anger.  Is that an appropriate metric to use regarding anger?  People who are out of tune with reality and are abusive and emotionally stunted?  

So empathy wins on the surface, and I say that I try to see things from all sides, but I think, really, there is a raging river of resentment running through me deep, deep, down, and it's rising.

Okay, good.  I am no expert but (!) I think letting ourselves (self?) get good and angry is a necessary part of the healing process.  Putting aside the fear and biases about anger is vital.  

Have you talked with a T about your anger?

[I Am Redeemed]

Harri, when I try to picture myself as a child, I come up with a picture in my head of my D5 now. She looks so much like me. She's even been called "little Redeemed" because of it .

I guess I would say to her that she is not meant to carry the burden that the adults in her life laid upon her. It's too heavy and it isn't hers. She can lay it down now. Drop it, if she wants.

I do think my view of anger was shaped by my family dynamics. I don't know how to manage anger in a healthy way. It's scary. I'm scared of it.

I have not had a chance to discuss anger with my T. We went through guilt, somewhat, and we did an EMDR on the fear of failure. I can't afford to continue therapy on my own right now, and I am still waiting for approval of Medicaid. They denied me (which didn't take long) and I reapplied because my income went down (restaurant is slower during summer/early fall). It's pending now, which I think is good because if I had been denied again I probably would have already been told.

I'm also experiencing tight financial circumstances because of having to put S3 in daycare, and I think the added stress is exacerbating my emotional state a little (lot). I will receive assistance for that, too, starting Oct. 1, so at least I know I won't be struggling indefinitely.

Is it natural to feel like you're blowing things out of proportion when you start sharing stuff like this? Because now I am having the thought that I'm complaining about stuff when other people had it way worse.

[Harri]

Hi Little Redeemed!      

I guess I would say to her that she is not meant to carry the burden that the adults in her life laid upon her. It's too heavy and it isn't hers. She can lay it down now. Drop it, if she wants.

I really like what you wrote here.  She can lay it down and yes she has to want to.  Regardless, it can be done in stages and you can do a lot of the work here on the board with us.  I am no expert and am still working on it but I can walk beside you and anyone else working on this very thing. 

Therapy will help for sure and I hope medicaid comes through for you soon. 

Is it natural to feel like you're blowing things out of proportion when you start sharing stuff like this? Because now I am having the thought that I'm complaining about stuff when other people had it way worse.

I think it is common.  I see it here on the boards all the time.  Seriously how do you compare abusive events?   I think it is in  part due to the protective mechanism we were all born with.   For me it stemmed from my refusal to be a victim of anyone or anything... only to find I was a victim of my own defense mechanisms in addition to the abuse from my FOO and a few others.    In some ways my denial and minimization of my own experiences victimized me even worse than the actual events. 

Redeemed, none of what you shared here is easy or 'mild' abuse, whatever the hell mild means in this context.  It is stuff that gets us right to the core and it then permeates every part of our being.  Don't victimize yourself by looking at your past and trying to process what happened only through the eyes of the adult you are now.  It was Little Redeemed who experienced it and processed the events back then... you as the adult get to provide her with validation, understanding and healthier perspectives and coping skills.

There are a couple other people posting right now who are struggling with very similar issues.  You are not alone and neither are they.

 

[I Am Redeemed]

Redeemed, none of what you shared here is easy or 'mild' abuse,

I struggle to call it abuse. Funny, I have no problem calling it abuse when it comes to my marriage. Maybe because that was so obviously abusive.

I can read others' posts on here and go, "Clearly, that was abuse." I can see others feeling hesitant to identify it as such, yet I can see it in their stories. But when it comes to mine, I minimize.

I think that may be a key to unlocking some of this deep anger I feel. How ironic that I have been judged for putting up with abuse by the very people who taught me to accept abuse (yet would vehemently deny that it was abuse)? If I call it abuse, I have to face that fact and that is the kind of thing that seems so unfair and unacceptable that I don't know what to do with it.

[Harri]

I hear you.  I still minimize or question if some of what happened was abuse or even if it really happened or if I am exaggerating.  It is a process and it takes time.  I dislike that phrase so much but it is true.  

The obvious abuse is easy in a sense because we can see it, label it, we don't need to explain it.  It is the emotional abuse and the neglect, including emotional neglect, that is so much harder as it is not easily defined and so much of it has existed for generations in our families.   The dysfunction and abuse seems functional and loving.  

Imagine how you would react and respond to any of this happening to little Redeemed.  Why would it be okay for the things you mentioned to happen to you but not to her or your other kids... or me or anyone else here?

If I call it abuse, I have to face that fact and that is the kind of thing that seems so unfair and unacceptable that I don't know what to do with it.

It is unfair and unacceptable in the sense that it actually happened.  It is unfair and unacceptable that it happened and affects you still to this day, has affected choices you have made as an adult and that some scars will always be there.  All of that is true whether you acknowledge it or not.  

Acknowledgement of the past does not mean you are happy about any of it and it in no way diminishes your hurt and suffering.  It simply helps to free you from the secrecy and the shame.  It allows you to finally take a look at you without defenses and denial and minimization.  It is freeing.  It is a step towards taking responsibility for who you are today and that is the healthiest and most freeing thing I think a person can do.

As for what to do with the fact that you were abused?  It just is.  I am not sure there is anything to do with it.  We can't change the past.  Life is not fair.  We were dealt a crappy hand and the only way to get a better one is to recognize that what we are holding is crap and then pick some new cards with what we have learned.  In the process of doing all of that, grieve and let yourself get angry and use that anger in constructive ways to get better and heal.  Otherwise it is all for nothing I think.

For me, my mantra if you will is "I'll be damned if all of that was for nothing".  I will heal and recover and I will learn... damn it.

[I Am Redeemed]

I think what I think is most unacceptable is the feeling of being painted black when I didn't turn out like I was "supposed to". I was ''supposed to'' go to college and have a career and marry a nice man and not do drugs or get involved with "bad people''. All the mental health problems that I had interfered with my choices surrounding all of these things, and my mental health problems largely stem from my FOO. So...I have just identified a parallel in the behavior of my FOO to the behavior of my stbx. He used to treat me horribly and expect me to still function normally (even above average) under abnormal circumstances for which he was directly responsible. I was not supposed to be affected or traumatized by his abuse of me. If I showed any sign of mental or emotional strain resulting from the trauma of his actions, I was called ''crazy", "mentally incompetent", and other things I won't repeat. From what I have worked out here, I realize that my FOO had the same expectations. They expected me to make good choices when my environment did not include the conditions necessary for me to learn how to make good choices.

Huh. Isn't that something.

I don't know what to do with the injustice I feel from being painted black for making bad choices. That's where I get tripped up. I don't know how to let that into the light while containing it enough so it doesn't consume me and affect my mood to the point of interfering with my daily life. I was diagnosed with MDD in 2010, which is considered a mood disorder. I feel sometimes that I am on the brink of another major depressive episode. I've been depressed for years, actually, I just am keeping my head above the waves because I have to. I have S3 to take care of, and my other kids to think about. I can't lay in bed all day and binge watch old reruns of Roseanne like I used to do when I lived with my parents and couldn't find a reason to get out of bed.

I just really hate that the narrative that gets passed around is that I stayed in an abusive marriage too long and lost my kids and will never be able to take care of them all. My sister didn't just take guardianship of my kids, she took possession and tried to wipe me off the slate as their mother. She still holds the opinion that I will not ever be able to take care of them all by myself. It doesn't matter if I somehow got a Ph.D tomorrow, got a job making tons of money and bought a huge house next week with a live-in nanny, she would still think I am not capable.
And it's such a not-exactly-true story. It has elements of the truth, but it really pisses me off that people have heard only her version of it where I am the troubled prodigal that finally woke up and got a clue and is now getting on her feet, meanwhile she is the rescuer and martyr who took in my kids as her own. Especially since she directly sabotaged a lot of things for me when I was struggling to come up, all because stbx was still in the picture and I was caught up in desperately trying to figure out what the h was wrong with him and how it could be fixed so my kids could have their dad.

Blech. I don't like this at all. The lines of what I am and am not responsible for have been blurred for so long that I don't even know how to say what makes me angry without immediately second-guessing my right to feel angry.   




.

[Kwamina]

I realize that my FOO had the same expectations. They expected me to make good choices when my environment did not include the conditions necessary for me to learn how to make good choices.

Huh. Isn't that something.

Soo…...they basically tried to set you up to fail. Yet here you are today, still fighting, still in the game and moving ever forward

She still holds the opinion that I will not ever be able to take care of them all by myself. It doesn't matter if I somehow got a Ph.D tomorrow, got a job making tons of money and bought a huge house next week with a live-in nanny, she would still think I am not capable.

How much do you value the opinion of your sister?

Would your sister be someone you'd go to, to get advice on things? If the answer is no than maybe keeping this in mind will help you: "Don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from."

And it's such a not-exactly-true story. It has elements of the truth, but it really pisses me off that people have heard only her version of it where I am the troubled prodigal that finally woke up and got a clue and is now getting on her feet, meanwhile she is the rescuer and martyr who took in my kids as her own.

There are always two sides to a story and if others, especially trained professionals fail to gather all the information and look at a story from all angles, that's really on them and a reflection of their own lack of professionalism.

Especially since she directly sabotaged a lot of things for me when I was struggling to come up, all because stbx was still in the picture and I was caught up in desperately trying to figure out what the h was wrong with him and how it could be fixed so my kids could have their dad.

You did the best you could with what you knew and what you had, given the challenging circumstances. What's done is done. Once we know better, we can do better. You know better now and you are doing better

The Analytic Board Parrot

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi IAR, 

It's good to hear you thinking, challenging, processing and experiencing feelings. These are all healthy things! Even the fact that you are looking at shame and anger, that's good imho. It's as we look deeper into what is going on within us that I believe we find understanding and healing and freedom. Not all at once, but gradually. Sometimes it is so gradual that we don't realize how far we've come.

You've probably already seen this, but I include it here for another view for you to once again take a look at and ponder: Survivors Guide for Childhood Abuse. I frequently come back and look again, to see where I am, and to be reminded of what I need to be reminded of: that it's not our fault.

I hear within your words so many of the same things I have struggled with. The circumstance may be different, but the mindset is parallel. I frequently have shamed myself and felt so weighed down by the load of guilt heaped upon me. If others don't heap it on me, I heap it on myself and beat them to the punch line.

My T has given me some word pictures that have remained quite poignant in my mind concerning this. He has talked about the Bible verse: "Come to me all who are labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)  He has also spoken about Matthew 18:6-7 where Jesus speaks of those who have offended the little ones. He has asked me to think about how heavy a burden is placed upon or around the neck of a little child (also speaking about our inner little ones) , like a millstone, each time a burden of our past, or a burden of their perception of us, or a burden of 'defining' us according to who they say we are is draped around our neck. Can you see how heavy a weight that would be to function under? Multiple weights hang on us, one after the other. We can't run the race of life, we can't even walk because of the heaviness heaped upon us. So I imagine cutting those weights off and letting them fall away. Or for me, I think about the Lord sometimes removing them from me when they are too heavy for me to even lift, because He took away all offenses and carried them Himself.

We were never meant to carry the burdens placed on us. If you notice, His burden is light, and He shoulders the weight with us. It is actually a restful thing.

 
Wools

[I Am Redeemed]

How much do you value the opinion of your sister?

Would your sister be someone you'd go to, to get advice on things? If the answer is no than maybe keeping this in mind will help you: "Don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from."

No. But she has a strong personality that gives off the impression of "I know best" and my lack of self differentiation has always caused me to let her run over me and make me feel inadequate.

The criticism is reinforced by the fact that CPS took my kids. It's a very complicated situation and I feel the case was handled very unprofessionally (I've even been told I could have grounds for a lawsuit) but shame keeps me from pursuing this because I think that even if it was handled wrong, it wouldn't matter because everyone will think "well, she didn't need those kids anyway, they're better off where they are."

Even though the bottom line is the official stated reason for why CPS removed my kids is not true. Never was true, and they never had to prove it. They just took them, told the courts I couldn't get it together while making it impossible for me to do so, and then pushed for my sister to get the kids so they could stop dealing with my case. It was never about what was really best for my kids.

Wools, thank you so much for sharing those verses. I do feel weighed down. Some of these things I do just have to hand over to God and trust that he will give me beauty for ashes, a double portion for my former shame (Isaiah 61:3; 61:7).

I have been watching Joyce Meyer a lot lately. I don't know if you have heard of her, but she has written very many wonderful books (I like Battlefield of the Mind the best) and has a very powerful testimony of her walk with God and her healing and recovery from horrendous childhood physical and sexual abuse. She is very inspirational to me, and I watch some of her teachings when I start feeling discouraged. I haven't yet read it, but she has a recent book entitled Beauty for Ashes that I would like to get. She quotes the above passages from Isaiah a lot.

I have not read all of the Survivor to Thriver lessons, though I have skimmed through some of them. I particularly relate to the one about anger and shame, and how survivors veer between lashing out and over-controlling anger, not knowing when it is appropriate and when it isn't. That is where I am at right now.

Maybe I don't realize how far I have come already. My T said she could see growth in me in just six months, but I didn't see it. I really am struggling since going on a break from therapy. I can't wait to get back to it. I need that kind of weekly one-on-one support, but I am thankful that you guys are here in the meantime