Mourning what could have been

[Designer2018]

After having come back from a family vacation where my husband spent a good portion in a bad mood (not quite raging), I just feel like I can’t take it anymore.

I am tired of never having a deep discussion to work through issues because he just gets mad, walks away, won’t talk about it later in a calm matter.

I am tired of worrying about being around friends, neighbors, family etc because I am worried about what he will say or how he will react.

I am tired of him not wanting to spend time with me. This is two-fold. He pushes me away constantly and then complains about there being a lack of intimacy. He also doesn’t want to do things that don’t interest him, so if it’s is something I suggest doing it is immediately shot down.

I look at other people’s “normal” relationships and wish I had that. Date nights, family outings that everyone comes home from in a good mood.

What is the solution? Going out with friends? What if your friends are all married and want to do things as couples and they don’t understand why your husband gets angry for little things, or never comes with because he’s not interested.

Some days I wonder why my husband wanted to ever get married. He has no interest in sharing his life with someone. I feel like he was just looking to fill the void or lack of direction in his life and when that didn’t work he no longer cares. Just wants to be left alone...

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[Ozzie101]

I'm so sorry, Designer. I'm sure that's painful to deal with.

I've struggled with the worry relating to friends and family, too. My family is a major trigger for my H. And I feel unable to have real discussions about some things with him because I know he will take over the conversation and get worked up. It's something I'm working with my therapist on. But sometimes I just feel like I want to quit.

Do you have a therapist to talk to and work through some of these things with?

I understand your dilemma with friends. Is there a friend you can confide in? Someone who's reasonable and level-headed who won't judge you or him (as in, won't say stuff like "Get out of there! Why are you with him?") but will give support and an ear? We can give support and advice here, but having someone like that in "real life" is important, too.

What about hobbies or community activities that interest you? Self-care is important and filling your own cup makes you stronger and better able to face the issues in your relationship.

[Designer2018]

Thank you for responding. I can’t really afford therapy nor have the ability to go see someone as I am without childcare in the evenings and started a new job so no vacation days yet. I am looking online to see what resources are available ie telecommuting. Got to say, I haven’t been completely honest with anyone as I don’t think they can understand without being judgemental. That’s why this group interested me, I know that people understand what I’m going through. My post was the first time I have been able to get all that off my chest.

[Designer2018]

Yeah, I’ve put my hobbies etc. on a back burner since I’ve had kids. You are right, I need to start focusing on things that make me happy.

[Ozzie101]

This forum is a great place for getting things off your chest and for finding understanding, listening ears. It's hard to find people in the "real world" who truly "get it."

How old are your children?

We understand the emotionally draining world of BPD and it can be so difficult. However, there are skills and tools you can use that can help improve things -- or can at least work to make you stronger. I'd be happy to share some if you're interested.

[Designer2018]

They are elementary school-aged so really, I have to do less for them now, they are fairly self-sufficient. (Except homework in the evenings.) I just feel bad when they witness my H raging because they arent sure what they did to make him mad.

I think I need to buy a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells, I remember thinking it was helpful years ago. I could highlight what applies.

[Ozzie101]

That is a very helpful book -- one that I think most of us around here have read. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things.

The struggle to know how to help children is a common one around here and you'll find a lot of members are in a similar boat. It's not one I have to deal with, but if you look around other threads, you'll find a lot of discussion about it. And maybe someone else will pitch in here.

I can help, though, with the raging and communicating. It's something I've had to work on a lot. Does he rage much at the kids or is it mostly at you?

[Designer2018]

It’s kind of both, but not all the time. I guess I’m lucky there. I think I saw advice somewhere about privately charting/journaling his moods. Is there a cycle with BPD? I feel like he goes eels in an ok mood, and then something little sets him off. It’s just whomever is in the vicinity when he needs to let off steam. I would say it’s more my son and me, my son because he’s the youngest and usually it’s because he’s being messy or not listening (both relating to issues my husband has about being heard). With me it’s more because I’m not reading his mind or doing things the way he wants them done. (Probably again triggering feelings of not being heard or understood).

That is a whole other issue though. I guess really I’d like to know if there is a way to get him to stay calm when other people are around so that I don’t have to stress out about social situations—what he might say. I think things out of routine makes him less comfortable and more likely to get upset—or maybe it’s just because he’s being forced to spend time with other people he may or may not like/agree with.

Also I did find it funny the other day as he asked me if I feel happy and told me he never feels happy. I didn’t know how to respond as I know this is true about people with BPD but I didn’t know what to say since I’ve read that you should tell someone “hey, I think you have BPD.” I tried to get him to talk since it was a rare moment where it felt like he was opening up but of course one of our kids came in just then, and like normal the subject was dropped and won’t be discussed later..

[Designer2018]

I guess to be completely fair I should point out that why it feels like we go weeks with him in an ok mood is because his job allows him to be very isolated, in fact I only see him mainly on weekends. If we spent more time together we would probably trigger him more.

[Ozzie101]

I think there are cycles -- different for each person, of course.

My uBPDh will go through phases where he's in a pretty good mood (not perpetually cheery, but "normal" good mood), then he'll hit a rough patch where it seems like every tiny thing makes him upset.

I wish I knew an answer to the calmness question. Does he have a bad track record there? I don't worry too much about my H in that regard, since he "behaves" pretty well. Where I do worry though is that something will trigger him and he'll go off the rails once we're alone. I also struggle with his reactions regarding his son, my SS, aged 8. If he's in a social situation (stressful for him, too) and the slightest thing happens with SS8, he'll rage and go full-on papa bear, whether it's warranted or not. Usually, he'll do that in my direction, expecting me to fix it or to back him up -- even though every single time, he's either a) gotten the whole story wrong and had to recant or b) completely refused to acknowledge that SS8 played any part in the problem. He's normally very aware that SS8 can be difficult. But when others are involved, he forgets all of that.

All that to say, I wish I knew what to do there. With my H, he always knows he doesn't have to attend anything he doesn't want to attend. And I try to be supportive, stay close without hovering, and in a calm time, ask him if there's anything I can do that would be helpful. That's all I've found to do. Then, when/if he vents, I just let him go and listen empathetically without taking it personally. As long as he doesn't rage, we're OK.

Also, my H has talked about happiness too. He insists he's happy with us, but I have to admit, he doesn't seem that way. And he's commented that he just feels like something's wrong with him because he just never feels really excited or "up." Like you, a crack in the door. But it's hard to really open it all the way.

You may be right about the isolation and the triggers.

[Designer2018]

Lol, you made me laugh with your description of “ he'll do that in my direction, expecting me to fix it or to back him up -- even though every single time, he's ... gotten the whole story wrong and had to recant.”

Yeah my H is quick to anger when he feels like we are slighting him or if we are “not telling the truth”. But the problem a lot of times is either he didn’t hear exactly what was said, he reacts without knowing the whole story, or he “remembers” the situation playing out differently. I mean we all probably do this, so I shouldn’t point fingers, just feel bad when he’s mad and the kids are whispering to me “that’s not what we said”, and then if I try to step in and say the kids said [whatever was said] he storms away because “that wasn’t what happened”. He expects me to back him up.

With other people it’s just the fact that his emotions can change so quickly that puts people off. They are left not knowing what happened. I could try to diffuse the situation if it built up but most of the time it surprises me too. Guess that’s why it’s called “walking on eggshells”, right?

[Ozzie101]

Another layer of difficulty for pwBPD is they feel things so strongly and for them, feelings = facts. It's a very common theme around here that our loved ones with BPD will twist words and situations to justify what they're feeling. And it's not necessarily a conscious thing. They're not thinking "Hmm. I feel angry. So, I'll just make a few little tweaks to what X said so it will be OK to be angry." At least in the case of my H, he really believes what he thinks happened.

It's not generally a good idea to argue with them when they're like this. They won't hear you. What they want is love and support. Anything else will be an attack -- when they probably already feel like they're being attacked.

Have you gotten a copy of the Eggshells book yet? It's really helpful in explaining all this. Also, you might take a look at a couple of articles here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
They've helped me a lot in dealing with my H. While you can't stop dysregulations from happening, knowing how to respond in a way that doesn't make it worse can actually go a long way toward making your situation easier.

Also, do you know much about using SET (Support Empathy Trust) in conversation? Here's a workshop on it:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0
That could really apply to your situation with his "memory."

Take a look and let me know what you think!

[Designer2018]

Thank you so much, I will look into these!

[once removed]

arm yourself with as much support and knowledge as possible.

what happened on your vacation?