Do people ever use your BPD abuse against you

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I had a psychologist years ago who knew all about my childhood abuse. In fact she was so off put about stories about my BPD NPD Mom she refused to treat me if I talked to her. I still talked to my mother on occasion at the time. My father was also emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive.

I put all of my trust into this psychologist. In fact I picked her out because I felt like I had a connection with her in some way. She seemed loving and supportive. However after years of abuse I had a breakdown. I went back to see her a few years later when I thought I was gonna have a breakdown again. She could have helped me that day but its like she turned on me she said sarcastically "well its no wonder you have a mental illness look at your parents." She then asked if I was paranoid of what she was writing and started flipping the chart over for me to see.
I was totally caught off guard as it hadn't even crossed my mind what she was writing and I was baffled by this women who had been so kind to me for years I thought was treating me what felt cruelly. She even would often encourage me to attend the same place she did yoga which I never went but her treating me that way that day destroyed me. It was my final straw and I left her office and after that did have the breakdown I feared I was having.

My last social worker felt my current bf is abusive. He does have a lot of anger issues and shuts down a lot. He has always used drugs or alcohol to shut down. These days it's just lots of pot he calls his "medicine" because he is disabled for physical problems. I am coming off an anxiety drug I should have never been put on. It is a benzo and they are known to cause anger so I admit I have been a little more on edge and fought back when he yells and curses or if I get angry he comes back ten times harder. I can't leave because we are financially tied to where I would have no car and nowhere to go etc..I can deal with his anger issues but he also started using my Mom against me. He really hasn't seen my Mom abuse me just be her very whacky self during a holiday here and there over many years. He also knows how my Dad would call me "Nasty (my mom's name)" screaming it everyday in high school. I was a very quiet shy person at the time. I would just cry or chain smoke as a teenager.  He heard my father screaming at me through the door when I was 21 and I ended up living with him for awhile because he helped me get out of the house. That is how we got together. We have been on and off together ever since. I'm 40 now. He is better than that life I guess but it's still lots of cursing all day long and blowing up over little things. The worst though is his new thing to say when we get into an argument is "You're really crazy. Just like your mother."
My mother I have often thought is sociopathic. I'm not that. I really don't deserve that and again he really doesn't know my Mom nor did he witness her abusing me. He often tells me I should have nothing to do with her.

Has anyone else had people in their life use their abuse and what they shared against them?
I'm so sad and worn out. I dream everyday of just one person who will love me. Some quiet life away from all of this. I actually love humans but I'm starting to worry about trusting them at this point in my life. Everyone I care about and put my trust into seems to turn on me.

[Cloudy009]

I had a psychologist years ago who knew all about my childhood abuse. In fact she was so off put about stories about my BPD NPD Mom she refused to treat me if I talked to her. I still talked to my mother on occasion at the time. My father was also emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive.

I put all of my trust into this psychologist. In fact I picked her out because I felt like I had a connection with her in some way. She seemed loving and supportive. However after years of abuse I had a breakdown. I went back to see her a few years later when I thought I was gonna have a breakdown again. She could have helped me that day but its like she turned on me she said sarcastically "well its no wonder you have a mental illness look at your parents." She then asked if I was paranoid of what she was writing and started flipping the chart over for me to see.
I was totally caught off guard as it hadn't even crossed my mind what she was writing and I was baffled by this women who had been so kind to me for years I thought was treating me what felt cruelly. She even would often encourage me to attend the same place she did yoga which I never went but her treating me that way that day destroyed me. It was my final straw and I left her office and after that did have the breakdown I feared I was having.

My last social worker felt my current bf is abusive. He does have a lot of anger issues and shuts down a lot. He has always used drugs or alcohol to shut down. These days it's just lots of pot he calls his "medicine" because he is disabled for physical problems. I am coming off an anxiety drug I should have never been put on. It is a benzo and they are known to cause anger so I admit I have been a little more on edge and fought back when he yells and curses or if I get angry he comes back ten times harder. I can't leave because we are financially tied to where I would have no car and nowhere to go etc..I can deal with his anger issues but he also started using my Mom against me. He really hasn't seen my Mom abuse me just be her very whacky self during a holiday here and there over many years. He also knows how my Dad would call me "Nasty (my mom's name)" screaming it everyday in high school. I was a very quiet shy person at the time. I would just cry or chain smoke as a teenager.  He heard my father screaming at me through the door when I was 21 and I ended up living with him for awhile because he helped me get out of the house. That is how we got together. We have been on and off together ever since. I'm 40 now. He is better than that life I guess but it's still lots of cursing all day long and blowing up over little things. The worst though is his new thing to say when we get into an argument is "You're really crazy. Just like your mother."
My mother I have often thought is sociopathic. I'm not that. I really don't deserve that and again he really doesn't know my Mom nor did he witness her abusing me. He often tells me I should have nothing to do with her.

Has anyone else had people in their life use their abuse and what they shared against them?
I'm so sad and worn out. I dream everyday of just one person who will love me. Some quiet life away from all of this. I actually love humans but I'm starting to worry about trusting them at this point in my life. Everyone I care about and put my trust into seems to turn on me.

[Cloudy009]

Just to make it clear. I do not have BPD nor was I ever diagnosed with it. The psychologist I'm talking about here the whole time she was treating me was always saying how amazing it was I had no BPD traits like my mother. I currently see a different psychologist and I've seen several others and doctors in between and I was never diagnosed with this. I do have psych issues from trauma but not this.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Cloudy009-

I am so sorry you’re having such a difficult time.  I’ve read some of your posts and later tonight / tomorrow, I’ll go back and read the rest of what you’ve posted.

I’m hoping you can really grasp what I’m about to say.  This is said in kindness and understanding, and I’ve got to tell you some things about myself so you know where this comes from.

I am now 61 years old and nearly had a total breakdown about 14 months ago.  I had completely lost my way, hit rock bottom emotionally and could NOT claw my way up.  I was repeatedly sexually molested as a child by my friend’s father and I was violently raped in college.  The molestation was never addressed by my parents.  I no longer “blame” them, as I guess they thought their silence was protecting me.  But that silence led me to keep silent after the rape.

My father had a big temper, but he understood and accepted me for who I was (he’s been gone for nearly 27 years now).  My mother is very self-absorbed and I barely recall her presence from childhood.  She’s 87 now and it’s still all about her.  I forgive it all.  At this point, that’s my choice.  I’m strong enough to do that.  And I WANT to be okay.  For me.

My older sister was / is unstable - pretty psychotic episodes beginning when I was about 12.  I paid a heavy price for her raging outbursts.  My friends and boyfriends were scared of her.  I learned to “walk on eggshells” at an early age. However when I was at the brink last summer, it was my sister who helped me work through the details of the molestation.  My recall was correct... I imagined NOTHING...not even the gun my father got to kill the guy.  And not the police who stopped my dad and saved my family.

I was married for 19 years to an NPD who was a bad and emotionally abusive man.  That marriage ended in 2011 when he threw me across the room.  I fled my home, my entire community and all my friends.  Moved cross-country.  I had trouble admitting I had been in an abusive relationship.  I admit it now.  My eyes are wide open.

I met my uBPDbf 6 years ago.  Things are pretty good right now.  I’ve done the work recommended here.  I use the tools.  I go to therapy.  I’m not afraid to be alone.

I continue working on my codependency.  Every day.

When I left the marriage, I no longer trusted myself.  Or anyone else.  Before that, I was the most naive, trusting soul you’d ever meet.  My strength was that I did NOT rely on my exH for a living or a life.

Anyway, a few months before my near breakdown, My best friend in the world (10 years younger than me) had died suddenly.  When she passed, my BPDbf “supported” me by going into a full blown rage.  I sent him away.  There wasn’t room for both of us to have feelings.  The people, the “strangers” on this forum, essentially saved my life.

I found a T.  She decided in our second meeting, our SECOND meeting... to ask me to describe EXACTLY what the child molester did to me.  I began to cry a bit and said I “wasn’t quite ready to talk about that yet”.  That “T” told me I was “being dramatic”.  I picked up my purse, told her she was a very destructive woman, and left her office.

It took 2 more months, but I then found a T who is a human being...

And Cloudy... I have spent a LOT of time learning about BPD, trying to understand my BF, his behaviors, our relationship.  And in the process, I found myself. Scary stuff.

I identified that i DO have some BPD traits.  I had already been told I had complex PTSD, GAD and MDD.  I’m not surprised and I’m not ashamed.  It’s more like, how could I NOT have BPD traits, considering what I’ve been through?  I recognize when those traits want to pop in, and I work through them. And I have a conversation of sorts with them.

Here’s how I look at it.

I’m finally making “friends” with myself.  When we’ve been through the wringer, that’s our choice.  Being here, becoming self-aware, self-reflective, WANTING to heal... that’s more than 70% of the battle!  That means there’s no denial that something is amiss.  We deserve a medal of bravery for that.  No more head in the sand.  I say “chin up”, my friend.

Cloudy, you’ve taken a huge step coming here.  We all have.  You have the ability, the brains, the soul-filled with beauty to succeed in this journey.  There is NOTHING and NO ONE to stop you.

With my uBPDbf, I don’t care about a diagnosis.  And I don’t need one for me.  We work with behaviors, with kindness.  I have moved away from toxic people.  I’ve ended long-term (40+ year) friendships because my blinders are OFF.

NO, I am not afraid of my traits, of his traits.  We have tools to heal.  The crap that happened to us happened.  I expect nothing from my mom... no validation, no emotional support.  I never got it from her and I never will.

If the people who are currently in your life are good, allow them to play active roles.  If they’re NOT good for you, they don’t get a “leading” role.  No need to be mean about it.  You quietly step away.

One confident step at a time.  You CAN do this, Cloudy.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes