Telling my uBPD mom about our travel

[Methuen]

Hello.  I feel like my uBPD mom is slipping into a mental health crisis.  She must be feeling it too, because she told her FD she was depressed, and told him which antidepressent she wanted to take (b/c her friends were on it).  He complied.  Since my mom and I live in the same small town, we also happen to have the same FD.  I recently saw him and disclosed my situation with my uBPD mom (her behavior is affecting my mental health and well being), and he has made a referral to adult mental health for me.  In my town, this may take months or longer.  He must have had her name on my patient file, b/c he connected the dots and stated her name, which surprised me.  At any rate, after multiple episodes with her in late July, I went LC, and then got out of dodge and went on a road trip with my husband for 2 weeks.  Since we have been back in town, I have seen my mom very little, and husband tries to support me by coming into the house if my mom stops by (which she does daily).  However, after a conversation with her on the phone today, she made it clear she is not happy about the LC, and accused us of making her feel like it's never a good time for her to come to our house.  I can feel another one of her rages coming on.  We are going to try to set a boundary by asking her to text us fist to see if it's a good time for us, but I already know that won't go well.  In the meantime, my husband and I with our adult son and daughter have planned a Christmas trip to a warmer destination, and we don't get back home until Dec 27. Our plan is to celebrate Xmas with her once we get back.  Our son and daughter will have a week with her in our home town, before they go back to the cities where they currently live.
  However, we know she is going to feel abandoned, especially since Xmas is her favourite time of year.  Does anyone have any suggestions for language to use, or an approach to take when we tell her we are going away at Xmas?  BTW, we don't plan to do this until her antidepressents have taken some effect... Also, I was advised by a counsellor some years ago to go ahead and take a trip at Xmas.  All my life I have said I could never do that to my mom (I am an only child), but we are at the point now where we need to look after ourselves at least as much as we look after her (she is a "waif").  At any rate, if there are any experts out there who have suggestions for how we can best communicate this message, I am anxious to hear your thoughts.  Also struggling with the guilt of doing what is right for our family, and the effect that will have on her...Thanks for any offerings.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi methuen!  You already sound stressed and tired having to anticipate all of this. I am in the trenches with you. Since marrying, I've dreaded all holidays and I'm dreading this year more than ever. They always seem to dredge up the worst in my waif BPD MIL. I'm excited for the choice you've made! You're trying a new tradition, you're protecting your family and your emotional health. A Christmas trip sounds like fun!

It is normal for us and many other families to celebrate on days other than the exact holiday. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You have the right to spend time doing activities of your choosing with your nuclear family. In fact, it's healthy.

I think you're smart to time it so that the medication has had time to kick in. I'll take a stab at suggestions. What do you think?

1. Keep the message simple and repeat as needed
2. Good customer service: focus on the yes, not the no...ie, "We're excited about spending Christmas with you on the 27th. What can we do to make this year special?"
3. Keep the JADEing to a minimum - explaining too much might trigger more of an emotional reaction from her. You're a responsible, independent adult and you don't need to apologize for your choices, explain, justify, or defend.
4. She won't like it, so brace yourself. Plan your messaging, stay consistent and calm through the storm you knew was going to come.
5. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for her emotional wellness. She is.

I'm curious to know how this goes. Keep me posted.

pj



 

[Harri]

Hi.   

PJ gave some great suggestions on how to approach your mom about your holiday. 

She will react.  You know how she will react and you can prepare yourself mentally for that.   Managing your own anxiety and stress around this issue is what I think will be most important for you to work on.   Practice with boundaries with her now, like with telling her to text before visiting.     She will get upset.  let her and give her the opportunity to self-soothe and yourself the opportunity to do the same.  Communicating boundaries and changing the ways we interact with our pwBPD takes practice.  If she gets upset when you tell her to text, come here and we can help you work through it. 

BTW, we don't plan to do this until her antidepressents have taken some effect...

Reading this, I had two reactions.  First, I though that is brilliant.  Second?  I. laughed. out. loud.  Warped sense of humor kicked in here.  Sorry.

[Methuen]

Hi methuen!  You already sound stressed and tired having to anticipate all of this.

You nailed it.  I'm starting to have second thoughts and wondering if it will be worth it, or if it would just be easier to shorten the holiday.  I also really resent feeling this way.

1. Keep the message simple and repeat as needed
Good idea. 

2. Good customer service: focus on the yes, not the no...ie, "We're excited about spending Christmas with you on the 27th. What can we do to make this year special?"

Another piece of good advice.

3. Keep the JADEing to a minimum - explaining too much might trigger more of an emotional reaction from her. You're a responsible, independent adult and you don't need to apologize for your choices, explain, justify, or defend.

I can't remember what JADEing is.  I need to research that one.

4. She won't like it, so brace yourself. Plan your messaging, stay consistent and calm through the storm you knew was going to come.

The brace yourself part scares me.  I really don't know if I'm strong enough for that any more.  Kind of worn down by her.

5. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for her emotional wellness. She is.

I'm curious to know how this goes. Keep me posted. 

...it's probably not going to happen until Thanksgiving...ish..

pj



 

[Methuen]

Hi.  

Managing your own anxiety and stress around this issue is what I think will be most important for you to work on.  

OK but I'm struggling with this part.  I eat well, am physically active, have a supportive husband, and am semi-retired.  Life should be good.  But because of my uBPD mom, and her aging issues, and being an only child in the same town as her, I feel my well-being is no longer "well".  I am at least as stressed as I've ever been, and possibly more.  Thoughts of her consume my spare moments of every day.
 It is like a problem that has no solution.  I know I am the one that has to change.
 But how?  It's daunting.  I see a new counsellor soon, and I've starting reading "stop walking on eggshells".  Exploring mindfulness.  I need to stop being afraid of my mom's reactions.  I think my fear and anxiety is worsening as she ages and deteriorates...

let her and give her the opportunity to self-soothe

I don't think my mom has ever "self-soothed"...but I would be interested to know how other borderlines self-soothe...

 If she gets upset when you tell her to text, come here and we can help you work through it.  

Thank-you

 Reading this, I had two reactions.  First, I though that is brilliant.  Second?  I. laughed. out. loud.  Warped sense of humor kicked in here.  Sorry.

Good that someone is laughing!