My sister is getting worse and worse

[Bigsis1987]

hi all,   
So glad to be here. My younger sister (2 1/2 yrs younger than me), has always been very difficult. Childhood with her was a nightmare for my parents and me. Growing up dealing with the emotional and physical abuse from her, obviously shaped me into the person I am today. I struggle with generalized anxiety disorder, depression, ocd, alcoholism and a lot of anger. I struggle to express my feelings and constantly second guess myself. My self esteem is very low. Anyway, that’s just a little background on me.
 I am now 32 and she is 30 years old, however things in her life have been rapidly going downhill for the past few years. About 6 months ago my therapist suggested to me that she might have some BPD tendencies. Once I started researching it, I was blown away by how accurate it was!
As far as I know, she has never been diagnosed with BPD, but it is very clear to me that she needs some serious help. My parents are trying to get her to go see a therapist with them, partially so that the therapist can witness her interactions with my parents— to people who don’t know her very well, she comes off as a normally functioning adult. She is very good at spinning the truth to fit her own story. So even though she hasn’t been able to hold down a job for a couple years, it’s not her fault, it’s because “her field is too competitive “ or “that last company was full of psychopaths “ or “there are no jobs available where she lives “

Anyway I could go on for a long time. The fact is I am worried about her and my parents all the time. I live across the country and feel useless. She is living with my parents and completely depending on them financially. At the same time I’m stuck. I don’t know how to talk to her anymore (Stop Walking on Eggshells is helping). If I don’t agree with her version of things, and tell her what she wants to hear, then she blows up at me. Her version of reality is soo unbelievably off from what I can see. It’s so confusing and troubling. My parents are exhausted and fighting with each other now. She makes terrible decisions and keeps lots of secrets. I worry for her safety (I’m pretty sure she is a “sugar baby”, sleeping with a much older wealthy man, so that he pays for her to travel and stay in upscale hotels etc.)

I am so grateful for this group, and thank you for reading my very long post. Does anyone have any advice about getting a loved one to accept that they might be sick, and to accept help?

[TelHill]

    
Welcome to the group!

I'm so sorry for your sister, you and the rest of your family. I don't have the same situation, but have read about mental health interventions like families do with active alcoholics in denial. I read about it on this site.

I know that the person suffering from bpd has to want to attend therapy and work at it through their own volition.  Am sure you know that too.

There are many great articles on this site about bpd which will help you cope with this disheartening situation.

The book Stop Walking On Eggshells helped me a lot.

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=stop+walking+on+eggshells&qid=1569801202&s=gateway&sr=8-3

[Maya L]

Hi and welcome!

Does anyone have any advice about getting a loved one to accept that they might be sick, and to accept help?

I'm not sure about advice, but I'll tell you about my experience. We tried to talk to my mom who has BPD traits. Me, my sister and my stepdad tried to bring out points that she was ill and needed to search for help. She refused to understand this and blamed my stepdad. He was always the enabler and later took on the role that he was the one who was ill and was to fault that me and my sisters childhood was bad. She could not take what she saw as the blame, but had to put it on someone else. She could not realize that she was ill. Although, a few years earlier she had sought help, but more for depression. She could not see that she had something wrong with her. It's like she lives in her own world. In her world she only acts out to us in the bpd way because she feels like we hurt her and she needs to abandon us before we abandon her.

What I did find helping though was to set some boundaries with love. I knew that she expected me to visit her at one time when I went to see my sister, but I asked if my mom could come and see us at my sisters place instead. I suspected that she would react very badly to this which she did. We did not talk for months until I called her and told her in a few sentences that I love her, I did not mean anything bad by not visiting her, I wanted her to visit with me at my sisters place. I focused my visit on my sister who I wanted to spend some extra time with. After this things got better than it had been in a long time. She started to respect my feelings more and the next visit was good.

What I would tell you too is that you can only do so much. If people don't want help there is probably not a lot you can do about it. We all are responsible for our own lives, even if we are ill. If she does not want help then might your parents consider going to therapy themselves to learn how to best set boundaries with her and learn how to best handle her?

Could they set boundaries with her financially? Do they show her that they expect her to support herself even if it means taking a more simple job?

[zachira]

I am sorry that you are dealing with a sister who likely has BPD, and that she is getting worse with time. You wonder how she might get help. I come from a family with many relatives with BPD, including my deceased mom, and my only two living siblings. None of the three have ever been open to getting help and all three have gotten worse over time. I believe that their fundamental problem is that they are incapable of having empathy for others and do not have the ability to face how their behaviors impact themselves and others. Your situation with your sister clearly has some similarities with mine, yet there are obviously some differences. For some mental health disorders, the focus is on getting the person with the disorder to deal with the disorder. For other disorders, the focus is on improving the family environment, because the person with the disorder functions better in a more validating stable envirionment and is unable to really make any significant changes. Of course, some treatments, involve both the individual and the family, which includes DBT, which is often used when there is severe BPD and ongoing suicidality.
In my experience, changing how I interact with my family members with BPD helps me, and oftentimes it helps them to behave better, though there is really no long term progress in terms of any real permanent changes.
My heart goes out to you. You really care about your sister and your family. There will be others who will post here, who will likely be able to help you better than I can. Take care, keep us posted, and keep asking questions as you will learn more about what helps with time and effort.