Have to tell bpdM that she can't come to a funeral

[wmm]

My partner's grandfather died and my bpdM wants to come to the funeral. She never met his grandfather and my father in-law doesn't want her to come because they don't really know each other and it's a small private event. I don't know what to say to tell my mom that she can't come to the funeral. I'm afraid that she's going to get really offended and then become upset with me. I hate having conflict with her. Does anyone have any recommendations for how I can tell my mother that she can't come without upsetting her and what to do if she does get upset? I'm getting anxious about talking to her but I have to do it soon

[Harri]

Hi.

Well this is an awkward situation to say the least.

I would simply focus on the fact that the funeral is private and for immediate family and friends only.  Repeat as needed.  Say the fact that she wants to go to show support for your partner is admirable, and she can send a card or flowers or make a donation instead.  Again, repeat as needed.  Perhaps mention the very best thing she can do to support your FIL and partner is to honor the family's request.

As for how to say this so she does not get upset... well, use SET with what I said above and the rest is on her.  If she gets upset, she gets upset.   

My mother wanted a private funeral and we honored her request (we did invite a few friends to support *us*).   So at the funeral parlor and the gathering after, it was just family and the few close friends.  But at the church, others attended.  You can't keep people from going to the church. 

[wmm]

I want to text her instead of call her but I'm afraid that would make her more mad. Do you think I should call her?

[Harri]

I don't see any problems with texting.  I don't text much at all so I default to tying call here. 

What are you afraid of if she does get angry?  Maybe we can help you with how you respond to that.