Ending relationship with BPD partner but how to keep communication channels open

[Catan]

Hi there,
I have finally come to the realisation that the controlling behaviour abuse in the relationship with UBPD partner is no longer tolerable and i need to leave.   My partner has shown very little signs of self awareness, and if anything he projects all on to me - keeps on saying that I am the one with the problem, that actually I abuse him etc.  Its all lies of course, and its easy to prove this...the supporting evidence says the opposite. 

Anyway, I would like to get some guidance on the best way of ending a relationship with a UBPD partner, to minimise the fall out especially when there is a child involved.  He is already being pretty nasty to me, and making my life pretty tough.   He has made lots of threats that if I leave he will take our child away from me, ruin my life etc, commit suicide etc. 

I would ideally like to both agree to have a separation - that we were able to discuss what is best for our child when it comes to visitation etc.  However, my partner wants to stay together despite the fact we are both so unhappy and barely talking to each other.

So I need to leave him while trying to keep communication channels open for the sake of our child.  Any guidance or advice from others who have been through something similar would be appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DragoN]

With a child involved, leaving becomes complicated.
Suggest checking out some of the information online for dealing with narcissistic or BPD situations. There is tons available.

BPD does not improve left to its own devices. You are doing yourself and child a huge favor by cutting the cord early.

[Harri]

Hi Catan.

We can help you as you navigate your way through the leaving process while trying to maintain or improve communication from your end of things.  You are correct that it is important especially since you will have a connection with your partner for a long time given you have a child together.

What would you say are some of your biggest communication challenges with your partner? 

He has made lots of threats that if I leave he will take our child away from me, ruin my life etc, commit suicide etc.

How do you currently respond when he says these things?  The more detail you give us, the better the chance we can help you.   

[Catan]

Thanks for the initial responses.

The current challenges - well, its hard to even have the most basic conversation.   It feels like he has so much animosity towards me.  He thinks I am the problem, that I need to change my behaviours ...but when I ask him to give details or specifics he can't.     I feel he blames me for all his problems in life.  He is also a control freak when it comes down to how things are done.  So he has certain views of how things should be done with our child, and not so good at agreeing to disagree.   He just keeps saying "you are wrong" - the world is very black and white in his world.  He is also right!

How do I respond to his threats?  I tend to ignore or walk away to be honest.   He has threatened to call the police so many times.  On the odd occasion, I just call his bluff and say go ahead.   

[Stillhopeful4]

Catan,

I know where you are coming from, my boys dad sounds very much like your partner.  He would threaten to take my kids out of the country and tell me I would never see them again.  He would hit me and then call the police and say I hit him.  The stuff he did was insane.  The day I asked him to leave he took the kids, when he came back in the morning to get some things the cops were waiting.  It's been 10 years he is still a complete selfish jerk.  I had to get them away, but he still sees them every other weekend and wouldn't you know...my boys adore that man.

It's very hard to get out of a relationship like that.  You have to have a plan and you need to keep yourself and your child safe.

((Hugs) best of luck to you.

SH4