Thankful to find this community

[Resiliant]

Hi everyone, this feels a little awkward, not sure what to write.  I am SO happy to find you.  I was thinking of starting a support group in my area since help is so hard to find.  I contacted a few people and interviewed a great specialist in DBT.  I'm currently swamped with work in my own seasonal business which makes it so hard to make time for this very, very important thing.  I'm hoping we can sell our business in the next 2 years so that I can study more about borderline personality disorder and study more about DBT and help not only my family but others too. I am almost 52, time to slow down! My BPD (not diagnosed) son is 30.  I wanted to start a support group for others and myself.  Sometimes when my son says things to me I am totally stumped as to the right thing to say back and it would be so great to have someone to practise validation with.  And someone to talk to to make sure that I'm not "validating the invalid".  I feel like the best people to talk to are people who are going through the same thing.  Others would just say things like "Well, if that was MY kid..."  My son is now 30.  He was only ever diagnosed ADHD and LD (learning disabled).  A common diagnosis, what can they really figure out when kids are young?  LD - give me a break the kid is brilliant!   When he was in grade 5 the bullying got to the point where I said ENOUGH and I pulled him out of school.  Home-schooled for 2 years through a virtual school and he went from E's to straight A's!  Left his sister in school, school was fine for her.  Anyways it's been such a challenge lately.  Today I read the article about "Is it my fault?"  and it was so helpful.  Sometimes I don't know whether to call him or not.  It seems like if I stay away for a bit it is better for him.  I call him and even though he says thanks for calling it gets his emotions all stirred up and I think maybe it's better if I back off.  I don't want to upset him and then he can't function and may possibly risk losing his job.  Even though he has said things like "Stop abandoning me!"  I didn't even know what borderline personality disorder was all about until I read Valerie Porr's book last year.  I went through the same thing as she describes.  People suggesting it was bipolar disorder, aspbergers, schitzophrenia, too much weed, not enough hard discipline etc.  When I read Valerie's book it has been the most accurate thing so far.  The last time I managed to get my son to a counsellor (good luck that ever happening again) he came right out and said he "didn't feel heard".  That is what Valerie talks about too.   He doesn't feel heard yet he can talk for 2 hours straight and we can't get a word in.  The hardest part is trying to get him to feel accepted.  His dad and I split when he was 13, and I found my current husband when he was 16.  He was never really accepted by my current husband, and it reached a boiling point a couple of years ago.  My son was going through a tough time and I said he could stay with us for 1 week.  My husband said it's not a good idea, and if there is one single incident of disrespect he will call the police and my son can't come back.  Not having any idea about BPD,  I agreed and told my son the "conditions" thinking he could do this.  Sure enough something set him off and the police were called.  He didn't do anything crazy, just got upset about something minor.  Absolute worst night of my life because I knew things would never be the same and it would take years to heal from this if it is even possible. Sometimes I think the harder I try, the harder I fail.  It has been 2 years of my son waking up every day and anguishing about this.  It killed him emotionally and he can't understand what he did wrong.  I can't explain to him what he did wrong.  It's like we speak a different language  We are still suffering the consequences.  I used to have the honor of being the one my son trusted the most in the world but now he doesn't trust me anymore.   It's so painful seeing him suffer and no words can heal the pain.  He's not a child that can be kissed better anymore.  He wants me close but pushes me away with hurtful words that he never used to say.  He wants to be able to visit but now is afraid to.  I'd like him to come visit but can't bring myself to invite him until he realizes what is right and what is wrong about how you treat your mother.  It's so sad we were so close.  I feel like he feels he was dumped by me when I got together with my current husband.   I am so thankful to know about BPD because otherwise I would be so confused and think wow my son must be a complete u-know-what.  I feel like he can't feel my love.  He wants actions, like taking him in when he feels like he can't live where he does which I can't and won't do.  He has to solve his problems.  I have tough loved the crap out of this young man not knowing about BPD.  I treasure his kind words, leave his hurtful words to the side, and think of Carlene Carter's song lyrics "the sweetest thing, I ever knew... was loving you...".   We will keep working on this.  Thanks to anyone who took the time to read.  I feel like this is pretty mumbo-jumbo but it's so hard to find time to do this so I'm just going to hit Post and run with it

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

Hi and welcome. Your heartfelt post is right on the money. Speaking a different language is my current struggle too. My DS 24 BP1 and some BPD tendencies and OCD tendencies mean it’s very difficult to connect on a deep level.
You say your DS does better when you don’t reach out, but then you feel like you are abandoning him, right? Are you attempting to regain the trusting relationship that you had in the past? What does he desire from you?

Unfortunately, my DS wants me to sit and listen and take ownership for all his current pain. He says it’s my fault he got these crappy genes, my fault he’s not handsome, my fault he’s not a muscle man, etc. I know it’s the I’ll ess talking and I try to draw boundaries for myself. I let him know I can’t do anything about the past, but am willing to talk about future.

I think it’s terrific that you might start your own support group.

Sending you a welcome HUG,
Peacemom

[Rosheger]

Hi Resiliant,  Welcome!  I too was  exuberant  to find this site not that long ago and understand your enthusiasm .  I too am trying to form a support group.  I also was not familiar with BPD until a few therapists told me they thought that it was what my 38 year old dtr has.  I am getting a lot from reading “loving someone with BPD”.  Welcome and hugs to you

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Resilient
I join the others in welcoming you. We are glad you are here. Your son's behavior sounds very typical of BPD, not feeling heard, emotional outbursts seemingly out of nowhere, blaming others etc. It is all so painful. My son does it too. It is great that you are reading up on BPD and even planning to create a support group. Whether your son is formally diagnosed or not learning the unique communication skills to use with people who have BPD will help your relationship. Tough love does not work well with them but other things like the validation  you mentioned do. We can also "rehearse'" conversations here together. Would you like to try that now? Is there something in particular you want to communicate to your son that we can help you find words for?
Hugs
Faith

[Resiliant]

Thanks to everyone for the welcome notes and hugs, much appreciated!   It took me awhile to figure out how to respond.       I'm not much of a social media person and this is my first forum.  I wish that I had more time to delve into this with you, hopefully soon.  I am going to try and take a bit of time each day.   Cheers to all

[Bluemoon23]

Welcome. I too am struggling with my kiddo who is 24. I see you are in Canada eh?

Me too.

Hope to see you back sharing and look forward to hearing how you are doing.

I recently called the police to have my kiddo removed from house and we have not spoken or seen each other since. It's painful and I hated to do that and I'm sure they will never get over me doing that. But I did what I did and now what?

I'm still figuring out the now what...hopefully soon.

Take good care.

[Resiliant]

Well hello Bluemoon!  Yes, it's a beautiful day here in Canada.  I'm sorry to hear that you had to make that painful decision, but at the same time I am supportive.  You did what had to be done, put your foot down instead of being an enabler?  It may take some time before your kiddo is ready to talk to you again.  There may be mixed / conflicted feelings of shame and anger.   Have you reached out to see how kiddo is doing, or are you holding back and giving some space?
Wow, this group has been great.  I have learned so much already.   It is so hard to find help in our area, and counselling is so expensive but I am getting so much more out of this.  Yesterday I was reading the article on the triangle thing and that was another aha moment.  I have to read it again, more slowly this time!
Cheers, take care. 

[cbusmom]

Hello Resiliant
Welcome! I am am also new to the boards and so grateful to have found them. Several things in your post spoke to me. How you son doesnt feel heard, talk & talk without letting anyone get a word in. One of my sons triggers is being interupted. He truly doesnt realize when he has interupted someone else and when they try to take the conversation back he will angrily accuse them of interupting him.
I am also married to my dsBPD stepdad. There is a dynamic there that is hard. My H is very black and white and does NOT like any emotional conversations. Just the other day I was reading him a text converation with my exDIL about my 7 yr old grandson (dsBPD's son). He has much of the same behavior that his dad had at that age along with a few of her hard to handle personality traits. After reading it to him I said I would do anything for her not to have the same relationship with GS that I had with DS, still have with him and my always have with him. My husbands reply was 'I wonder what AAA charges for a yearly membership now?"  I am realizing that this fear of his could be some trauma from his own childhood. I am slowing asserting to him that I need to be able to have these kind of discussions with him that I can not keep my emotions bottled up for the next 30 years.

[Resiliant]

Thank you cbusmom,  we certainly do have some things in common!  I would love to chat more with you.  My guess is that your H just doesn't like drama?  I can only ever get a sentence or two out with mine and then the subject changes.  Most times I love that about him because he's not moody, and it's so great otherwise.  I'm not one to want drama either, but I have a situation to deal with that involves someone I love very much suffering.  That is something I can't turn my back on.   I try to keep H out of it as much as possible.    He is starting to understand that there is a mental disorder involved but it's hard for him to separate from thinking its all discipline or drug related, and he really doesn't like hearing about it.  So old fashioned and naive in his thinking when it comes to mental health.  I think it could also be that since this is one thing he doesn't have a clue about he really can't participate constructively in a conversation about it.   Also I have been reading about the Karpman Triangle and wow that is an eye-opener.  It makes sense to me because I've often thought there is a weird jealousy there.  My husband wants all my attention and gets upset when my attention is directed away from him towards my son.  Anyway, long story short you can vent on me!  It's not good to keep things bottled up.

[cbusmom]

Yes Resiliant we do seem to have a lot in common. I am not sure if my H also truly believes in mental health. At least he doesnt for males. His Mom was hospitalized a few times when he was a kid for mental health issues but when he talks about it I can see that he puts it all down to just being an overwhelmed single mom. Not an ongoing mental health issue she might have had. 

I can see that he would also see it as a discipline issue. And he hates drama.

I will have to re read the Karpman Triangle with your new insight. Jealousy? Maybe not so much towards DS but I can see him having an issue with him not being the one in charge, the decision maker. Very old fashioned thinker too and his perfect family dynamic would be he makes all the decisions and family follows gratefully & happily along. NOT how it turned out haha.