Separating The Wants & Fears From The Real Needs - What To Do?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, 

I was grappling with some difficult issues last week surrounding being sole care giver for my 90+ parents. I have an older brother who does nothing. I felt horrible and angry but could not think of what was going on coherently. I felt down and extremely angry. My thinking is clearer now.

My parents are old and need help. My dad can drive to the local supermarket and to the bank safely. He obeys signals and respects pedestrians. He can't drive elsewhere safely.  I've observed that. He agrees and complies.

He does yard work and maintains the outdoors well. My mom cooks dinner daily and cleans twice a week. I fill in with daily cleaning chores (dusting and dry mopping the floor, cleaning bathrooms). It's not bad.  They can go to the restroom on their own and shower with no problem.

They get anxious at night and say they can't do things anymore. They are in horrible pain and need me to take over completely. I begin to take over the chores during the day. They protest and say I'm doing a lousy job. They don't need help. 

This back and forth with them is driving me crazy. I believe one day they will need ft help. Meanwhile, they are afraid of the future and it worsens at night to the point of their fears taking them over. 

My parents are outliving their money. They can get by but that's it.  My brother and I know this. I buy them vitamins and other items they request but tell them it's cheaper than they really are. I told my brother to do this to help them out.

I take my mom to medication management once every 8 weeks. I sit in so she gets the right help. My brother gets the bill and pays with a cc. (He uses this to get points) He writes down the figure my dad will be paying. My brother fills out the check and dad signs it. My dad cannot add to save his life. He has a problem with numbers, especially lately. My brother leaves the bills for their records and my dad puts it away. I looked at it for the first time ever. Each session is $50 per the insurance & Medicare. The shrink charges a convenience fee of $1.50. My brother makes my parents pay the whole amount including the convenience fee. He has the money. He's not poor.  That is really nasty.

My mom needed a grab bar in the bathroom. I forced my dad to ask my brother as big bro is a very good handyman. His studfinder could not find studs. He said the tiled shower had no studs. I challenged him and he shrugged. Yup, a total lie to not get called back to help.  I bought a grab bar that is stick-on for her.  Grrrrrr...

I took my parents to my place a few days ago for a ride. My mom was screaming she wanted to come with me. She never went anywhere, etc.  I needed to do maintenance work. My mom sat in the backyard. I have a lot of stairs and my neighborhood is hilly. The back entrance to the garage has a steep slope.

I turned my back as I was preparing to get my stuff and planning to hang onto mom to begin the walk to the garage. She started to walk on her own as my back was turned. She tumbles five feet down the cement on it. She gashed her hand deeply and has bruises all over her body. It looks like a cat scratched the heck out of her arms. She refused to see a doctor. She screamed no when I insisted.  I told her she could not come to my house for a while. I have to figure out how to make it mom safe. I'm debating whether she can come even with mom-proofing. She gave me the silent treatment for a day.

I am here at their house today. My mom fell down again. I heard the familiar loud ka-boom I usually do when she falls. She denies she fell.

I believe my parents can see my brother is not a good guy. My dad does yell at him once a month out of the blue.

I think my dad and mom are afraid of losing the ability to see his adult child, their only grandchild. They excuse his behavior. That's understandable. However, it leaves me in a difficult situation and being solely responsible for them.

Having my brother help me would bring some relief, but I can't get blood from a stone (heart of stone) either. 

I'm taking a break from expecting anything from him. I'm not taking a break from being angry at his irresponsibility and not helping out my parents with a few dollars here and there.  I can cover it & will. It's just the thought of him squeezing $3 extra from them is plain wrong and immoral.

Am not sure what to do here besides giving my brother withering glances when I see him.  It's very painful to see all of this. The money stuff is borderline abuse. Sorry for the long vent.

[TelHill]

Hi, 

I was grappling with some difficult issues last week surrounding being sole care giver for my 90+ parents. I have an older brother who does nothing. I felt horrible and angry but could not think of what was going on coherently. I felt down and extremely angry. My thinking is clearer now.

My parents are old and need help. My dad can drive to the local supermarket and to the bank safely. He obeys signals and respects pedestrians. He can't drive elsewhere safely.  I've observed that. He agrees and complies.

He does yard work and maintains the outdoors well. My mom cooks dinner daily and cleans twice a week. I fill in with daily cleaning chores (dusting and dry mopping the floor, cleaning bathrooms). It's not bad.  They can go to the restroom on their own and shower with no problem.

They get anxious at night and say they can't do things anymore. They are in horrible pain and need me to take over completely. I begin to take over the chores during the day. They protest and say I'm doing a lousy job. They don't need help. 

This back and forth with them is driving me crazy. I believe one day they will need ft help. Meanwhile, they are afraid of the future and it worsens at night to the point of their fears taking them over. 

My parents are outliving their money. They can get by but that's it.  My brother and I know this. I buy them vitamins and other items they request but tell them it's cheaper than they really are. I told my brother to do this to help them out.

I take my mom to medication management once every 8 weeks. I sit in so she gets the right help. My brother gets the bill and pays with a cc. (He uses this to get points) He writes down the figure my dad will be paying. My brother fills out the check and dad signs it. My dad cannot add to save his life. He has a problem with numbers, especially lately. My brother leaves the bills for their records and my dad puts it away. I looked at it for the first time ever. Each session is $50 per the insurance & Medicare. The shrink charges a convenience fee of $1.50. My brother makes my parents pay the whole amount including the convenience fee. He has the money. He's not poor.  That is really nasty.

My mom needed a grab bar in the bathroom. I forced my dad to ask my brother as big bro is a very good handyman. His studfinder could not find studs. He said the tiled shower had no studs. I challenged him and he shrugged. Yup, a total lie to not get called back to help.  I bought a grab bar that is stick-on for her.  Grrrrrr...

I took my parents to my place a few days ago for a ride. My mom was screaming she wanted to come with me. She never went anywhere, etc.  I needed to do maintenance work. My mom sat in the backyard. I have a lot of stairs and my neighborhood is hilly. The back entrance to the garage has a steep slope.

I turned my back as I was preparing to get my stuff and planning to hang onto mom to begin the walk to the garage. She started to walk on her own as my back was turned. She tumbles five feet down the cement on it. She gashed her hand deeply and has bruises all over her body. It looks like a cat scratched the heck out of her arms. She refused to see a doctor. She screamed no when I insisted.  I told her she could not come to my house for a while. I have to figure out how to make it mom safe. I'm debating whether she can come even with mom-proofing. She gave me the silent treatment for a day.

I am here at their house today. My mom fell down again. I heard the familiar loud ka-boom I usually do when she falls. She denies she fell.

I believe my parents can see my brother is not a good guy. My dad does yell at him once a month out of the blue.

I think my dad and mom are afraid of losing the ability to see his adult child, their only grandchild. They excuse his behavior. That's understandable. However, it leaves me in a difficult situation and being solely responsible for them.

Having my brother help me would bring some relief, but I can't get blood from a stone (heart of stone) either. 

I'm taking a break from expecting anything from him. I'm not taking a break from being angry at his irresponsibility and not helping out my parents with a few dollars here and there.  I can cover it & will. It's just the thought of him squeezing $3 extra from them is plain wrong and immoral.

Am not sure what to do here besides giving my brother withering glances when I see him.  It's very painful to see all of this. The money stuff is borderline abuse. Sorry for the long vent.

[TelHill]

I wanted to add. I have had trouble finding therapists. I have good insurance and do not get called back quite a bit. If I do, there is no short phone interview. I'm told to come in. Is this the new norm?

You used to get at least 5 minutes to tell them what you wanted to tackle and do a mini interview.

I can easily pay (not poor) but think there may be some issues beyond my control. I am articulate and am Caucasian but my first & last names are ethnic (hard to spell) and I am on an extended leave of absence from work. I am of the opinion therapists think I'm poor and a person of color.

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/06/the-struggle-of-seeking-therapy-while-poor/484970/  

[Turkish]

Your mother falling is concerning...

What do you feel that you can realistically step back from top avoid the static from your parents?

You brother sounds like he's going to do or not do based upon himself. 

[TelHill]

She broke her hip in a fall 16 months ago.  I or dad watch her, but she scurries away. It's difficult to be around her raging too.  We can't cage or tie her down.

There was no free dinner for a while after mom broke her hip so my brother didn't come by. I did ask him to get a wheelchair for my mom until Medicare or the hospital came through. He did that and was very angry at me. He asked me why I didn't do it. It was because she was getting out of bed and falling with a broken, operated hip on the mend.  She had to be watched by me & dad.

He left in a huff. When she got one from Medicare he came by to pick his rental up right away still angry he had to do this for 1.5 weeks. I offered to pay half, but he didn't want the money.

Obviously, he did not become the empath due to mom's bpd. I know I can't count on him for any help with my parents. He wants a future free of their care. It's a lost cause and helps me to vent here.

Not sure what to do here to protect my well-being during this difficult time. It will get worse as they get older & older. I have to have my own plan.

Thanks for responding, Turk!

[zachira]

There are some people we do not choose to be in our life, like our parents and siblings. It may help you to say to yourself and others when you are feeling very frustrated and sad about the relationships with your family members that you did not choose them and you would have preferred parents and a brother that treated you better. Can you describe the kind of parents and brother that you would have liked to have? How are the people that you have chosen to be in your life, like your friends, possibly a significant other, different from your parents and brother?

[Longterm]

It's difficult, I understand this.

I remember when my mom died and I was my stepdads fulltime carer. I would clean, shop, pay his Bills and take him to hospital/drs appointments. My brothers did not want to know and barely visited him or took their kids stating "hes not my real dad" after the man had done so much for us. I did confront them eventually and layed it all out that I was disgusted in them.

It is hard, I understand. I think you should be incredibly proud that you are doing what you can when receiving little to no help. A lot wouldn't step up, it shows your character and willingness to do the right thing. I think if you are getting frustrated with your brother not helping then maybe it would be best if you didn't ask him at all, at least that way you wont get disappointed and upset.

LT.

[TelHill]

It's difficult, I understand this.

It is hard, I understand. I think you should be incredibly proud that you are doing what you can when receiving little to no help. A lot wouldn't step up, it shows your character and willingness to do the right thing. I think if you are getting frustrated with your brother not helping then maybe it would be best if you didn't ask him at all, at least that way you wont get disappointed and upset.

LT.

Thanks, LT for your kind words!  I will stop asking and concentrate on what I can do for my good and for my parents. When my dad had his heart issues, their insurance gave us the option of home-based after care. My dad didn't like them and sent them away. We had the same people contact us after my mom's hip issues.  She didn't want them. I did get her outpatient rehab for 6 weeks. That helped her walk a lot better though she complained when she had to go. She felt good after the appointment.

I'll call insurance to request follow-up outpatient rehab for mom and dad to strengthen their bodies. They are depressed and giving up. They aren't taking short walks like they used to. They won't even go to church. I think they are cutting back on self-care. Will let you guys know how it goes!

[TelHill]

There are some people we do not choose to be in our life, like our parents and siblings. It may help you to say to yourself and others when you are feeling very frustrated and sad about the relationships with your family members that you did not choose them and you would have preferred parents and a brother that treated you better. Can you describe the kind of parents and brother that you would have liked to have? How are the people that you have chosen to be in your life, like your friends, possibly a significant other, different from your parents and brother?

Hi zachira,

Thanks for your answer. I would have wanted a mom who was not abusive and I want my brother to help out with my parents -- devote time to taking them for rides in his car & help my dad with yardwork. Right now, I have just me, myself and I. It's one of those difficult times of life.

I would want someone to be honest and kind. Then, I'd want them to be fun to be around and have some common interests.

[zachira]

In my experience, expressing what kind of people you want in your life is the first step towards having more of those type of people as the ones that you mostly spend time with. I think you are describing the kind of person you are when you talk about what kind of people you want around you. Can you continue to tell us more about the kind of people you feel most fulfilled being around while telling us how you are like these people in many ways right now?