My stepson's biological BPD mother

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am new to this group and have reached a point where I am running out of strategies to manage the anxiety I am allowing my stepson's biological mother to bring into my life. Quick context: my 17 year-old stepson has lived with me and his father since he was 8. There is a court order (from Canada), implemented in July, for his biological mother (who lives in Canada) to cease all direct and indirect contact with him based on his affidavit that he does not want to have contact with her. She is unable to comply with the judgement. We have closed all "cracks" in social media and have not passed along information to him she sends via mail. She has bullied me for almost 10 years and I seem to be "running out of steam" to hold myself in healthy regard. I'm working hard to let go of needing her approval, validation, and permission to raise her son--who has significant mental health issues himself, starting with PTSD. His father and I have championed for years to get him all the help and resources he needs in hopes he can achieve his own sense of stability and mental health. I need to find peace with the fact that I know she (untreated) will not stop attacking me verbally and I have to stop giving the attacks merit.

Thanks!

[Stepmom Warrior]

I am new to this group and have reached a point where I am running out of strategies to manage the anxiety I am allowing my stepson's biological mother to bring into my life. Quick context: my 17 year-old stepson has lived with me and his father since he was 8. There is a court order (from Canada), implemented in July, for his biological mother (who lives in Canada) to cease all direct and indirect contact with him based on his affidavit that he does not want to have contact with her. She is unable to comply with the judgement. We have closed all "cracks" in social media and have not passed along information to him she sends via mail. She has bullied me for almost 10 years and I seem to be "running out of steam" to hold myself in healthy regard. I'm working hard to let go of needing her approval, validation, and permission to raise her son--who has significant mental health issues himself, starting with PTSD. His father and I have championed for years to get him all the help and resources he needs in hopes he can achieve his own sense of stability and mental health. I need to find peace with the fact that I know she (untreated) will not stop attacking me verbally and I have to stop giving the attacks merit.

Thanks!

[worriedStepmom]

Welcome.  There are a lot of stepmoms here, so you will find lots of support.

Do you have a therapist?  I started counseling again a few months ago because my SD12's mother was making me incredibly anxious.  I spent way too much time second-guessing myself and/or trying to prove I wasn't stealing her daughter.  I *am* parenting her child - because her mom is not able to do that, and SD very much wants a mom in her life.  Counseling is helping.

Do you have to allow her to contact you?  This summer, my H and I blocked mom from both of our phones (and SD12's phone).  He told her that all communications would have to take place via a parenting app (which logs all of the conversations and doesn't allow them to be edited or deleted).  Doing something like this (or setting up a special email account just for her) lets you take a step back- you don't see the messages when they appear, and you don't even have to read a lot of them.

[livednlearned]

She has bullied me for almost 10 years and I seem to be "running out of steam" to hold myself in healthy regard.

In what ways do you feel you're running out of steam? It sounds like this is taking a real toll on your health.

How does your husband respond to the bullying?

Is he relatively passive?