HELP My 87 yr old Mom is undiagnosed BPD, destroying the few kids she has left

[Blizmo]

So I’ve been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, some depression. My sister (passed away 2009) had, I now realize, terrible BPD; rages, all-or-nothing, sarcasm, criticism, projection... Was “Designated Patient,” she always warned me I was in denial, trying too good to be The Perfect One, and that One Day, Mom would turn on me.

Oh boy did she ever.  2 brothers, one is antisocial and insecure, braggadocious and brittle, history of substance abuse, police run ins, etc. Has an adult son, who is useless, my brother enables and berates him simultaneously.

Younger bro has three failed marriages, his latest lomg term relationship just ended, at the woman’s demand. Not good.

I have a hero of a husband, 3 grown sons, my therapist told me I unconsciously parented POSITIVELY because I was aware of the mistakes made in my childhood.

Had an 8 month silence with her a couple years ago over her behavior towards me; never once did she try to reach out. I always call her, this was the same.

She was better for a couple months, now we’re in the midst of another silence.

I just discovered BPD, and we kids know we suffer from some level of it.

Am simply trying to learn to stop my panic attacks, decades of living under strain of “what’s going to happen next - and it won’t be good —“ even this morning I sobbed with my exhaustion, as well as the new awareness that I Can Never Fix This, Or Her.

My sister WAS right; I WAS Queen of Denial, and Mom DID turn on me, and I do realize the depths of what we never received, the conditionality of what we DID receive, and the profound impacts it had on my sister, her daughter (died of an overdose 2 yrs after losing her mother), and her daighter’s HUSBAND, 1 year after her death, also overdose.

It feels like a pit of black hopeless magnetic despair, and my life has been spent clinging to the rim and holding onto a glimpse of life, desperate to not hurt those I love in the ways we were hurt.

At war inside me is compassion for my mother’s incredibly difficult life, would have crushed me too - guilt at “abandoning” her - a shrieking desire for ALL THIS PAIN TO STOP - and a childish desire to continue trying to “fix” everyone, including BPd Mom.

Glad I finally know what’s going on... and learning to pray again, for relief and healing.

THANK YOU! Any stories, advice, commiseration will be cherished.

My heart, my stomach, my blood pressure and my psyche can’t keep going like this.

Love, in advance. Xox

[Notwendy]

I think you are in the right place- glad you found this board. There is a lot to learn here.

It also took me a long time to find "BPD". I knew something was going on with my mother for a long time, but didn't have a name for it. As a teen, my mother blamed me for her behaviors and so when I left for college, I assumed she was better. I didn't spend extended time at home after that and even though her behaviors were there when I visited, I still assumed it was that I was there. My parents denied any issues.

It was much later that I found BPD while reading on the internet- she is textbook- and now that she is elderly and her caretakers can speak to me, they agree with this.

I think your shock and grief is normal and expected after this kind of realization. I am glad you are in therapy. Healing is a journey- a work in progress. As tough as it is to be a child of a BPD mother, as an adult, you can do the self work to improve. I understand the fears. My mother had a lot of power and controlled us through her rages. However, now, she's not that scary. Difficult to deal with still, but we can work on the fear. It helped me to not take her behavior personally. It's not about me, but a reflection of her own way of perceiving other people. I hope this gives you hope that you are capable of dealing with this situation. Some people have cut contact with their BPD relatives and some have managed a lower key ( less emotional) relationship. There's a lot to learn !

[madeline7]

I, too, have an elderly uBPDm that has wreaked havoc on the entire FOO system. I figured out what was gong on in early adulthood, but still hoped I could fix things, having been conditioned to consider her needs above all else. Things changed dramatically when my Dad passed away a few years ago. She of course hasn't changed, but her emotional caretaker and enabler was no longer there and that's when I figured out I needed to do the hard work. That's when I found this site, a T, and the good fortune to take a free workshop for people with family members who have BPD. It's never too late to learn self-care. And it sounds like you have a wonderful husband and family. You did not perpetuate the dysfunction, you raised your sons with love. You intuitively knew how to nurture your children. Good job Mom!

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you having an 87 year old mother who is undiagnosed BPD. My mother who passed away this summer had BPD and I have two surviving siblings with BPD. My kind caring sibling passed away years ago and I believe mom destroyed his life.
There are so many long term physical and emotional effects of having a mother with BPD, and the stress is ongoing. I admire how you are different from your mother, making a happy marriage and raising healthy children. You are struggling now with how she is affecting you emotionally. What helped me the most to deal with my mother with BPD was to go to long term therapy. In therapy, I worked on dealing with what upset me the most about my family and how they treated me, learned coping skills, and became less overwhelmed with time when mom and my siblings acted out. When my mother died this summer, I just felt a huge sense of relief, as it seems I had grieved the loss of her a long time ago. Now I am dealing with my siblings with BPD and as soon as everything is divided up, I hope to have little or no contact with them. My friends and certain relatives treat me with kindness and respect while helping me to be the best person I can be, which includes some constructive feedback from time to time. You say that you and your siblings all suffer from some degree of BPD. I know at times, I see myself acting like my mother and siblings, and it is wanting to not be like them that allows me to face my mistakes and imperfections. You are taking all the right steps to not be so overwhelmed by having a mother with BPD, and most of all you are reaching out to find out how to learn from others who are affected by a mother with BPD. Take care and let us know how we can be the most helpful!

[Methuen]

Hi Blizmo
I am so sorry for all your losses.  That is too much loss.  I don't know what to say.

I haven't had that much loss, but there are other things I can relate to in your story.
I can relate to commiseration.  I can also relate to having an 83 yr old uBPD mom who has been in declining health for many years, but whose physical and mental health has recently taken a deeper dive.  I am an only child living in the same town.  I only this summer came to understand BPD, and accepted it meant I was the one who had to do the changing...i.e. how I react to her.  I'm having a hard time working through knowing I can never fix her, and letting go of the guilt I feel (she is miserable).  I'm also having a hard time finding the balance between supporting her health needs (in a small town), and looking after myself.  It's been a summer of working through some grief.  Like you, I had it pretty good (or maybe I was just in denial), until 14 years ago, when my father passed away, and I was "next in line" to take over his place (as the only child).  Nothing could have prepared me for how his passing was going to change my life.  I just found this board this summer as mom's mental health hit a new low, and her treatment of me (and "hero" husband to use your term) just became unsustainable.  As it turned out, she must have recognized it too, because she went to her Dr and requested antidepressents, which have helped with "some" of the mental stuff (erratic and "MEAN" behavior, extreme negativity, acute anxiety, and depression), although I fear the mental improvement is temporary, and will dive whenever she decides she doesn't need the antidepressents anymore.  After having body image issues her whole life (diagnosed anorexic after giving birth to me), she is now so physically weak, she keeps falling.  Recovery from her falls at 83 is never complete, and provides her with the perfect environment to need a lot of attention and be in "victim mode" unable to do anything for herself.  She is now so weak I believe she should not be living by herself.  Others have voiced the same concern to me of course!  Lots of guilt!  My biggest fear these days is that the next fall will result in a "break" (she also has osteoporosis), and the emergency room Dr will turn to me and ask if she can live with me (in front of her of course)!  I am so terrified of that thought, that I have spoken to my own family Dr  about it through tears, and he assured me no emerg doctor would do that.  However with a stressed medical system that can't provide services, my therapist is less certain it wouldn't happen.  My mom of course keeps reminding me of daughters in this small town that brought their mothers to live with them.  I don't have any answers for issues and stories posted by others here.  But I can relate to the need to commiserate.  I only know that before this summer when I found this board, I was all alone with her (except for hero husband who doesn't have the lifetime of baggage with her that I have).  Now I don't feel alone anymore because this board has a ton of people going through similar experiences.  Discovering that has left me with the uncanny sense that BP characteristics are as predictable as the outcomes of a mathematical formula.  That has been an epiphany for me, and a pathway out of feeling lost and alone in a big forest.  For me this board has been a way of "connecting" with other people also at their wits end.  The forest is still there, and I'm still lost, but at least I'm no longer alone in that forest.  There has been comfort in that.  And I have a great new therapist.  And like you, a hero husband, and like you, I feel I managed to break the abuse cycle with our kids, both in their 20's.  I am trying to focus on the positives.  For me, my recent "survival" has been dependent on self-care.  My goal is to be physically active 5 times per week (yoga, gym, long walks with a friend), and stay connected to friends and community.  It's hard to do because my mom is a black hole of neediness, but if I don't look after myself, she is going to suck me right into that black hole.  I have come to accept that self-care is vital.  Best wishes on your journey to recovery.  It's a process, but there are so many people on this board that have walked that journey and provide great support to the rest of us, that I feel now that recovery is possible with work.   My heart goes out to you as I read your pain. I sincerely wish you a pathway forward.

[Methuen]

PS.  Missed a chance to edit the following from my previous post:

"Like you I had it pretty good until 14 years ago"...really poor choice of words!  What I meant to say, was I also tried to be the "perfect child", and while dad was alive, didn't suffer as many of her rages (because he was there to take them and shelter me).  That's what I meant by "pretty good".  Once my dad died, mom "turned on me" (as your sister warned your mom would do to you).  

Of course, there is nothing "pretty good" about being the child of a uBPD parent.  And with all your loss, "pretty good" was a very poor choice of words.  I am sorry for that poor choice of words.