Always in the double bind? How to escape?

[Violet00]

Hi! I live in the us and my family lives in Europe. I have an undiagnosed bpd aunt that has been my primary care taker since I was about 12( I’m in mid 20s now) My mom has been in and out of a psychiatric hospital for the last few years( depression, possible other conditions)

My grandma has been sick and living with my aunt for the past few years as well and I was incredible close with her all my life. She wasn’t feeling well and passed away a few days ago.
Funeral and everything since have been somewhat okay(almost no angry outbursts) considering the circumstances but yesterday was horrible. When my mom and my aunt fight it is at 100 miles per hour. You can imagine bpd rage and insults and screaming and my mom answers back which just further escalates. I tried to interfere but calming them down was impossible.

They ended up telling me horrible things each other did and they expect me to take sides. My aunt saying things like “ call an ambulance to come for her and take  her to the hospital right now because she is terrorizing me and is crazy can’t you see” she doesn’t want to do it herself but asks me to do it to show whose side I am on and my mom saying “ don’t betray me”and  I feel like this dynamic of me being forced to take a side has been existent since I was a teenager. It’s very difficult to be in this situation because they both have mental illness and they both want me to validate the horrible view of the other one. I feel like the grownup between two children fighting.i forgot what it was like and allowed myself to get emotional and upset yesterday.

It is different when it is just me and my aunt because I can use techniques and tools I learned here. But when my mom is here she engages and brings the fight to a place of no return. The end of yesterday’s rant my aunt basically said “ get the PLEASE READ out of my house”. Today is my birthday and I just I’m not sure what to do. I only get to visit my family once a year and this is not how I want to spend my time here. I actually want to see my friends and do things instead of regressing to childhood fears and hiding out till the storm passes. Before I always stayed because of my grandma it was the only way to spend time with her and now I just I wonder if I it is time to leave even though it is painful. It is painful to know that your family is hurting and you try to help but their behavior does affect my state. I feel really close to my aunt and when she is not in the unregulated state she is a good person but it’s very difficult willingly listen to abuse and try to work through it.

With these kind of rages you never know when they come. It’s morning here now and I am upstairs wondering is she cooled off, will there be another episode of this and should I just leave? Last year I used deescalation tools and also left for a bit when she was in a state but I guess I just feel tired and out of it with the death of my grandma since my mom is here I can’t control all the interactions.
I am not financially dependent and I can rent an Airbnb or hotel and leave. My mom would have to leave with me as her apartment is currently rented out.
Has anyone navigated a dynamic between bpd parent and another mentally ill parent? I am able to have boundaries when I’m home and just speak to my family over Skype or phone.
Would appreciate any worlds of advice and encouragement.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am sorry to hear about your grandmother passing.  How are you handling the grief?  Are you even able to with all of the conflict that is going on?

There is no graceful way to segue into this so I am just going to say it:

  

Happy Birthday!  

Regarding the conflict and the both of them trying to drag you in:  ugh!  That is difficult, stressful and upsetting for sure.

I tried to interfere but calming them down was impossible.

I am not sure I would try when they are both raging at each other.  I am not even sure I would try when things are calmer to be honest.   Their relationship is between them and even though they try to pull you in, you do not have to referee nor should you.  Let them tire themselves out and return to center on their own.  You can not fix this for them.

I feel like this dynamic of me being forced to take a side has been existent since I was a teenager.

I am going to say this directly:  You do not have to take on this role any more.  They can try to get you involved but they can not force you.  You have choices here.    All choices come with consequences.  You can continue to try to play referee and feel torn by the both of them trying to get you to take sides, or you can refuse and step to the center of the triangle.  The tools you learned to deal with your aunt will work on both of them even when they are operating in tandem.

It’s very difficult to be in this situation because they both have mental illness and they both want me to validate the horrible view of the other one.

There is nothing there to validate.  Can you think of something you can say and or an action to take that will keep you in a neutral position and get you some peace?

I feel really close to my aunt and when she is not in the unregulated state she is a good person but it’s very difficult willingly listen to abuse and try to work through it.

Why are you willing to listen to it?  Why are you accepting abuse?

I guess I just feel tired and out of it with the death of my grandma since my mom is here I can’t control all the interactions.

Of course you are tired.  Grief, travel, all the conflict is exhausting.   As for controlling all the interactions, even when it is just your mom or your aunt, you can not control anyone but you.  When you use the tools when you are on on one, it is about you and what you do and how you respond.  sometimes that results in changes in the others behaviors but it is not a guarantee.  Does that make sense?

I am not financially dependent and I can rent an Airbnb or hotel and leave. My mom would have to leave with me as her apartment is currently rented out.

Why would your mother have to go with you?  Can you get a smaller place thru airbnb, one for you and a separate for mom (I am assuming cost is an issue here for her... if not, you can help her find a place and she can pay for it).

Violet, I was very direct in what I said and I hope I did not come across harshly.  You are in a difficult place on top of dealing with some very strong emotions.  You do have options here.  I am very glad you reached out.  

Lets talk this through.

[TelHill]

Hello Violet,

My sympathies to you on your grandmother's passing. Happy Birthday too!

I kind of hid this, but my family is actually from a rural area in a poor member country of the EU. I am one of the few family members born and raised in the US.

It sounds like a very emotional and upsetting time for your family.  That may bring up a lot of buried emotions your mother and aunt have, along with their own grief. You are there with your long distance stripped away.  It's hard for them and am assuming this tug of war they want you in is a misguided effort to soften their grief. My FOO's country culture places a lot of pressure on immediate family to act a specific way which is more taxing than what is expected people who grew up in the US.

I have noticed the social services in my parents' country of origin are fairly decent, similar to what we have available in my area. Do they have a service to help find mom affordable housing since she suffers from mental illness? She may need inpatient mental services and have to return to a hospital for that.

I am guessing for the sake of offering support, and hope I'm not being overly nosy. These are not issues for you to respond to me.

My family has had a lot of intermarrying. Many of my relatives in the US and in the EU have acted in a way that's makes me think there may be personality disorders or substance abuse problems which are inherited.

I'm wishing you the best during this difficult time. Please take care of yourself.