Some days it just hurts

[FaithHopeLove]

You know I am all about looking for solutions, finding new ways of supporting my BPD child, and taking good care of myself in the process. But some days it all just hurts and the best I can do is acknowledge the pain and sit with it. I have been having a lot of these days lately. I suspect I am not alone. It seems like a good idea to be honest about it. I am not a super mom on any level. I am like I suspect many of you are- just trying to keep my nose above water. Let us be gentle and kind to one another as we go through this incredibly painful journey. It's OK to be vulnerable. We are human.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[nonbordermom11]

Faith...I feel the same way, especially in the mornings when its quiet, its a new day...once I get busy with work, I get a mental break and compartmentalize my pain with dealing with the "loss" of my child I can't reach...Have faith in God...I hope we all find our way.

[FaithHopeLove]

Grieving for the living is hard. I keep trying to practice radical acceptance but I cant help hoping one day my son will return.

[nonbordermom11]

Faith...I've been watching a lot of videos about BPD, there is hope, they do come around. Sometimes they have to cut us out of their lives because we are triggers. Your son appears to be walking a fine line, but deep down he knows what he needs to do, he may get close to the fire first. Maybe its necessary to wake him up...keep us posted.

[FaithHopeLove]

Several times he has hit what I thought might be bottom, hospitalized for suicide attempts, men breaking into his house and putting guns to his head over drug deals, arrested, imprisoned, now looking at serious prison time. All the while help has been available. So far he hasn't accepted it. You are right. I may be a trigger. If he has to cut me out of his life to get better I accept that. I just wish he would get better.

[Resiliant]

 
That's all I've got
Thinking of you 

[Swimmy55]

Good post. Faith , I know what you mean by help being available and DS just kicks it in the teeth at every turn. Sometimes the pain is excruciating. When I put a restraining order against DS this past Spring,  I thought for sure he would have come to his senses.  I even had fantasies of being able to lift the restraining order as he got better with time.  None of that has materialized, of course. 

He probably sees the restraining order as abandonment, not as a realization of how dangerous he has become.  My T told me I have to deal in reality and truth, not what is going on in his head.  It's not that I want him living back at home with me, but just to be able to have lunch with him , check in.  I don't miss the raging out of control person he has become, but what he was before when we  forced him to get help in his teens.   He really did well when he was living in therapeutic hospital and group home for 2.5 of years  .  He was raging and out of control then ( without the hard drugs) , but 2.5 years really set him on course where he could function.  I dearly wish he could enter a group home again and I hate the laws as they are now. An ill adult without any awareness is helpless and can't make decisions , as we all know. 

I am with you , Faith.  Accepting the lack of control we have , in addition to the chronic sorrow for a living person is very overwhelming.   I am grateful he is out of the house, but how he is out of the house is heartbreaking.  I try to journal 5 things each day that I am grateful for.  The first on the list is that no one is dead( myself or DS) yet.  The second is that I am safe and not living with an out of control, terrifying , large man .

You are right, I have to sit with it, but I often avoid it with "busyness".  Thanks for the reminder.  Stay strong, today everyone.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks for the hug, Resilient.

Swimmy, I also am trying to focus on gratitude and looking at the many blessings in my life even now.

[twocrazycats]

You are not alone, Faith. It is so true that some days it just hurts. Deeply.

Sending hugs and prayers.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks CrazyCats